tears of confusion...

i can't stop crying.
i've known since a week ago today that i'm not accepted into grad school.
and today chris found out that he is.
and i am so torn.
i'm so happy for him. SO happy.
he needed this much more than i.
but i've wanted it for much longer...
not that that justifies my admittance.
but i just wish something would.
i mean, i just finished taking my graduation exit exam and went right through it. not difficult.
but does that matter?
i just don't know anymore.
right now it's about him. and it SHOULD be about him. he's the bride.
and he says he understands.
but i feel like the worst friend ever right now.
i'm happy for him. i'm so proud of him.
and i'm miserable.
but what do i do?
he was right: i don't know that i could move down there and drive to that place every day, knowing that i wasn't good enough.
what do i do with this passion that has been thwarted?
how do i show my true happiness for him?
God, are you trying to separate us?
i don't know what to do anymore.
all i know is that i feel so alone in the world right now.
and i don't care.
i don't want anyone at all.
no comfort.
i just....don't know anymore.
where do i go?
or do i stay?
God, when am i ever going to be happy?
what can i do to make this time come?
because this year has been a big pile of shit.
where's the light? the darkness has consumed me.
and i am so afraid of the darkness.
i'm just waiting for chris to sing,
"i will not fail so you can be comfortable, dana. i will not lose because you can't win."
because he would be completely justified.
with some details switched or changed...there are a lot of parallels between my relationship with chris...and the last 5 years.
and that just...makes me so sad.
i think i'm done.

p.s.

i am so glad chris is here for me.
i really don't know what i would do.
i love him.
he's such a good friend. (even better than gretchen weiners)
i hope i never take him for granted.
he is so beautiful.
and he always knows how to make me laugh.
even when i don't want to.
love him.
and...i don't know if i'm allowed to say this...but i'm glad he's all mine.
just for right now.
but i know that compromises his happiness.
but not mine.
but...i know there will come a time when he must choose.
and i want him to be happy.
because ultimately, that will be the best moment of our lives.
it's just nice to have someone hold onto me.
with no agenda.
but just to love...
even if he doesn't completely understand what that means.
right now, at least.
but someday...

God really does close doors...

i remember when i was applying to grad school in OKcity, and i asked God to close the doors if this wasn't supposed to happen.
and during the entire process i had no qualms about it.
and then i get the letter yesterday.
apparently, God's just not wanting me to go. i just thought God would wait a minute so that i could get my neck out of the way.
so, ok. the only question i can think to ask is "what's next?"...if chris gets in, and he does decide to go, will i go with him? if he really wants to go, i will be right by him with all the support one can muster. but dear God, that'll be difficult.
but i would really be so happy if he got in. he needs to know from somewhere that he's good at this. someone needs to tell him other than me.
but now, i deal with my own doubts.
i failed my hearing last year.
i don't get into grad school.
they don't want me.
so, what do i do now?
is it time for me to face "the rest of my life"?
i'm not ready.
i don't want to be unhappy.
i don't know what to do.
i had a dream last night about living at home, above my mother, and i was happy. i remember that more than anything.
i was happy.
and i know that in time, everything will be better.
but it's just that whole time thing.
i'm not MEANT to go to grad school?
maybe God sees how petrified i am of real life, and so it would be a good idea for me to go on completely unprepared???
i have no clues into what God's methods really are.

against God's plan

apparently i'm missing something.
or doing everything wrong.
and i REALLY hope i'm not meant to live in kendallville for the rest of my life.
rejections from both OCU and the bank within a matter of two minutes.
wow.
but chris still has a chance. sounds like a GOOD chance, even. and really, good for him. i really hope he gets in. reallyreally.
but right now, i'm so hungry. or maybe it's just because i'm really empty so i feel i need to eat. nope. my stomach just growled. i guess i haven't eaten anything all day. oh well. i have no desire.
i don't know where to go from here.
all my doors have been closed. and i think i'm too blind to see where God is really wanting me to go. or maybe i'm just too blinded by pride. i don't even know.
all i know is that every crappy thing happens in the spring.
thank God i'm graduating. so far. who knows. maybe there'll be some freak glitch and i'll have to wait until next year or something. ha.
wouldn't that be a kick in the head?...
i want some ritter's frozen custard.
and greasy food.
yep. i'm an emotional eater.
but it's fine.
at least i've started exercising through my feelings too.
i guess that's all.
my brain is in overload mode.
the end.

think.think. BOOM!!

it's been another thinking day, due a lot to the fact that i'm reading a philosophically heavy book, and i didn't get much/enough sleep last night.
but i just keep thinking about morality.
i was reading my friend ashley's myspace blog and she was talking about how each day there's something in it that she wishes she could do over again. nothing life-changing, but just things. and i guess the one thing i can say is that it's nice to not be alone in that thought. but it's pretty sad if i feel that something needs to be changed every day. i don't know.
there are just some times when i feel like i need to vent...but there's no one to go to. chris can only handle so much. he's not strong in certain areas...same as me. and it usually just ends up complicating things even more, so not only am i dealing with my venting issue, there's also chris. ugh. i just don't know.
i'm just not happy where i am.
i don't know where i would be had i not started exercising. because seriously, that just may be the highlight of my day. haha, which isn't the worst thing, i guess...but it's still...pretty lame.
maybe i should just make a list of things i don't like...
yep.

things i don't like:
*secrets being kept from me
*lies
*desperation
*selfishness
*rudeness
*melodrama
*divas
*how my clock won't stop falling off my bedpost
*losing
*insensitivity
*being misunderstood
*fat
*pity (both from self and others)
*having no gas so i can't have coffee dates
*having no job to pay my bills
*when my mother unexpectedly snaps at me
*overdraft charges when they shouldn't even EXIST.
*cold feet
*bitterness
*repetition
(wow, i'm actually starting to feel a little better)
*jealousy
*cankles
*white shoes
*not being needed
*symmetry
*that all my good friends aren't here
*unnecessary noise
*complaints (hahaha, appropriate that i'm making a list right now, right?)
*nasally singing voices
*cockiness
*being ignored
*OCD in relation to continual computer use

okay...i think i'll just stop there. but that's definitely helped. i now remember why everything seemed a bit easier when i wrote all the time. i could write it down and then just leave it. resolve it somewhat in my mind. however, the way i am, i must make a list of things that is at LEAST as long about things that i like.

things i like:
*children's laughter
*spring rain showers
*tulips & calililies
*the last exercise on my pilate video
*lying under a piano and being surrounded, engulfed in sound
*smooth, shaven legs
*andy vaught's hugs (hahah, i almost wrote "jugs"...hahahhaah)
*singing at the mirror as high as i can with my mouth open as wide as i can (i'm alway alone, of course)
*elephants, of course
*music of all kinds
*fresh french fries
*blueberry tea
*coffee dates with nate
*the freckle under chris's right eye
*when chris sings from his heart...or really does ANYTHING from his heart.
*literary sarcasm
*"Broken Wings" by Rebekah Gene Liston
*wind on warmer days
*stars
*red shoes
*liza swart's hair
*giggling & sighing
*sweaters
*green eyes
*well-maintained man hands
*good, solid naps
*numerical palindromes! like...12:21 as it is right now.
*oranges
*mashed potatoes
*languages
*artsy photos

i guess that's all for right now. there are still a lot of things worth thinking about, but all in time, i suppose. i remember when i didn't like to think so much. but now it's not so bad. goodnight.

z2q

i really enjoy this blog.
it's like someone could just sit down with a cup o' joe and read for hour. (because i don't think there's enough stuff to read for more than an hour..)
my vagina hurts. and so does my right hand around my thumb area. i had a run-in with a metal chair, and the chair definitely whipped me good.

in other news, today, i pierced my ear again. my left one. it's in between the two already-pierced locations. why? you may ask. well, i'm done with college. undergrad, at least. the show closed last night so i have no more responsibility holding me to this school, and to commemorate sans tattoo (which was the original hasty plan), i pierced my ear. kind of symbolic of the pain i've gone through. there's the numbing, the bleeding, the nausea..and then then annoyance until everything heals. very much resembles my college experience. and at the end, i have exactly what i wanted in the first place. look at me being so smart.

right now, chris is studying for music history. i wish he had my brain right now. i know he's completely discouraged. and out of the both of us, if only one of us can get into OCU for grad school, i want it to be him. even though i want it badly, he NEEDS it more. he needs to know that someone other than me wants him to fulfill his desires as a musical theatre performer. he's slowly losing his zest. and that's very discouraging to see.

i have had a twitch in my right eyebrow for this entire day. that is all.

i had a job interview at a bank downtown this past thursday and i'm supposed to hear back from them within the coming week. wait. you already know that because i talked about it in my last post. ok. act like this tiny paragraph never happened.

on page 78 from the book DYNAMIC SINGING by bachner, it states "many singers complain of a "thick" tongue." i just turned to it, and that's the first full sentence. hmmm...that's something for me to think about. i have at one time said that i had a fat tongue. this writer understands me.

i think i'm gonna go for the moment...i'm gonna play some german music...i love wolf..and mahler..and strauss...and, and, and....heehe. music...how wonderful...

haha, i so funny!

doot da doo.
i just read my last post, and you know what?
the super double chin is nonexistent.
chris and i have been working out and it feels so good.
aside from that, nothing's happened that's been a big deal or anything.
i love hayley. again. i must state it.
and i love pose and deanna.
and i love cara...most of the time. but sometimes...
but, that's not important.
what is most important is that i share with you something that made me happiest about yesterday. before chris and i both had our interviews, he dropped me off so i could pick up my car, and as though we have known each other for 20 years, he said 'good luck', and we gave each other a good luck kisspeck. cutest thing. i love that boy. hehehe he's a good guy. and we both had good interviews. he should know soon (possibly today), and i'll know sometime next week. wow, 40 hours a week! money! finally!
aaaaaaaaand, i think that's it.