tears of confusion...

i can't stop crying.
i've known since a week ago today that i'm not accepted into grad school.
and today chris found out that he is.
and i am so torn.
i'm so happy for him. SO happy.
he needed this much more than i.
but i've wanted it for much longer...
not that that justifies my admittance.
but i just wish something would.
i mean, i just finished taking my graduation exit exam and went right through it. not difficult.
but does that matter?
i just don't know anymore.
right now it's about him. and it SHOULD be about him. he's the bride.
and he says he understands.
but i feel like the worst friend ever right now.
i'm happy for him. i'm so proud of him.
and i'm miserable.
but what do i do?
he was right: i don't know that i could move down there and drive to that place every day, knowing that i wasn't good enough.
what do i do with this passion that has been thwarted?
how do i show my true happiness for him?
God, are you trying to separate us?
i don't know what to do anymore.
all i know is that i feel so alone in the world right now.
and i don't care.
i don't want anyone at all.
no comfort.
i just....don't know anymore.
where do i go?
or do i stay?
God, when am i ever going to be happy?
what can i do to make this time come?
because this year has been a big pile of shit.
where's the light? the darkness has consumed me.
and i am so afraid of the darkness.
i'm just waiting for chris to sing,
"i will not fail so you can be comfortable, dana. i will not lose because you can't win."
because he would be completely justified.
with some details switched or changed...there are a lot of parallels between my relationship with chris...and the last 5 years.
and that just...makes me so sad.
i think i'm done.