feelings...

i try to run from how you made me feel.
i knew you for...a couple weeks, and you left a distinct impression on me.
one that made me feel like i meant something.
that you looked at me and i fidgeted because i was so exposed and vulnerable.
you made me look at who i was, and not feel ashamed, or feel like something needed to change.
but you liked me for who i was, where i was. everything.
at least, i thought you did.
but you don't write anymore.
and you've forgotten.
and so it leads me to believe that anything you may have thought of me has vanished; out of sight, out of mind.
and this hurts more than i thought it would.
and it's something that haunts me unexpectedly.
and i can't shake it; and when it hits me i can't move.
everything within me wants to cry out, to sob; but my pride covers it up, by saying that these feelings aren't real, or that i shouldn't be feeling them, because i barely knew you.
but the things i knew were real. and the feelings i had were true. and i was giddy when i saw you through the window; and i was excited when i knew you were going to be standing next to me. and my heart pounded through my skin when you grazed my skin.
and there was something there.
and now it's gone.
and i really don't know what to do with myself.
besides doing the only thing i know and say, 'meh. it doesn't matter.'
and all of this is easier to write than to say out loud.
and i don't know why, and i don't want to take time to realize why.
so here it is, my heart laid bare...and you don't want it.

everything feels wrong.

how about i just stifle everything i am?
apparently that's the way to get through this life.
who cares if i leave myself behind?
if all the truth, all the genuine feelings are nothing more than a shell?
i'll say all the right things to all the right people.
and you know what?
i still won't be happy.
so i guess...
i would rather be myself right now, living in misery...
than be a carbon-copy of someone else's idea of me.
i just don't like waking up every day with a darkness over me.

this, too, shall pass...

sometimes, this is just what i have to say to remember how to breathe again.
over-dramatic?
sure, if you wanna look at it that way.
but it doesn't make it any less true. it doesn't make me feel things differently.
i'm empty. and i don't wanna be.
i'm insecure. and i don't wanna be.
there are so many things that i see in myself that i just don't wanna be anymore.
i'm tired of not being who i want to be, and i'm the only one who can change that.
i desire comfort. and understanding.
and i just want to feel proud of who i am.
instead of continuing to apologize for who i'm not.
that is all.

hunh...life is something else.

you know, i think i'm more Grace than i realized. and i don't know how much i like it. i swear, i've been "such a good friend" to so many guys.
guys who say i'm beautiful and have so much to offer...and all the while i'm staring back at them saying, why am i not beautiful enough for you?
and then i find out, hello! a couple years later, they're ALL GAY.
now, don't get me wrong. i don't mind them being gay.
but before, when they said all that 'beautiful' junk and then dated one of my best friends? yeah, hard to swallow.
kyle was the first guy i ever denied a kiss.
and then he did all these things to try to prove himself.
and he was gay all that time?
what the HELL does that mean?
i'm not really disappointed or sad or anything.
i think i just needed a good sulk.
it just seems that life is one big ironic stone thrown at my face lately.
meh. whatev. life will always go on.
i'll just make sure that i end up with someone who is not remotely attractive, or at least someone i don't find attractive. because then he MUSt be straight, right?
hahahaha, DOUBTFUL! oh well, maybe he'll be attractive to chris. something good could come out of all these friendships, yes?
it's fine.
really, it is.
fine, i'm fine.
but sometimes, it'd be nice to be better than fine.
time for me to stop taking certain things for granted, i'd say.
and there's always chris.
i love him. and i'm content to wait. until God hands me someone. if He decides to, that is. because really, honestly....maybe i'm just not meant to experience those things in my life.

what a day...

it's been good.
i like when my mom and i are friends...
we went and saw BECAUSE I SAID SO, and it was great. i love diane keaton, and she did not disappoint. and amazingly enough, neither did mandy moore.
we ate at the olive garden, had lots of good talks...
at this point in my life, i'm glad we know how to be friends AND family.
and i think it's a good thing that we saw that movie together.
but now i'm just so tired! i was up way too early without a shower because missi jumped in RIGHT when my alarm went off.
bleh.
so i think i'm gonna go home and take a shower...and maybe nap a bit...
and i should probably eat?
meh, maybe.
but yeah...a good day...

but i don't think chris is having a good day. i know he's super-stressed out...and i wish there was more that i could do...but i just really don't know that there IS anything more. would it help him to have space?
i just hate feeling like i'm disappointing him...

*scowl*

let it be known, that i do NOT like jay.
that is all.

if i were ever 800 lbs...

if i were 800 lbs, i would feel so proud of myself to have lost 3/4 of my weight.
however, i'm not, nor will i ever be, 800 lbs. so...it's hard to feel proud of myself. i feel like i've been working pretty hard...with no results. my pants are probably bigger only because i haven't washed them in a couple weeks.

meh...whatev. all in time, i suppose. it's not like i'm going anywhere.
the end. time to study up...

i had the strangest dream...

lately, i've had all these dreams about me being held by someone. and a part of me wants it. (probably the sick, dependent part.) yet there is a stronger part that is so happy with independence. it's much better for me right here and now. and like i've said before, no one trumps chris. yet? maybe never...and sometimes, i wouldn't mind never...
anyway, i just thought i would import a little piece of stuff that i wrote around valentine's day. just because i think it's pretty well written and something that i shouldn't forget too soon. so, here it is...

(a CD in the making...)

The Nearness of You, Norah Jones
Come What May, Ewan McGregor/Nicole Kidman
At Last, Etta James
Your Body is a Wonderland, John Mayer
I Want You to Be My Love, Over The Rhine
The Luckiest, Ben Folds
No Other Way, Jack Johnson
Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
Head Over Feet, Alanis Morissette
Never Saw Blue, Shawn Colvin
Kind & Generous, Natalie Merchant
The Way You Look Tonight, Toni Bennett
Feels Like Home, Chantal Kreviazuk
Come Down Now, Sufjan Stevens
Have You Seen My Love?, Rosie Thomas
You Take My Breath Away, Eva Cassidy
The Morning Song, Jewel
I've Never Been in Love Before, Linda Ronstadt

i don't even know if you exist; the thought of you, yes; the hope of you, yes...but you actually existing. for only me. i just don't know. and i'm not waiting around for you or searching to find you. but maybe one day you'll surprise me in the only way you could. and it'll be real and true and not just my hopeful imagination or my idealistic cliche of romance. but you'll love me. in the only way i am to be loved. and there'll be no insecurity; you'll be the only one who knows how to make me believe in you and i as one. you'll be the one to uncover my eyes and my heart and help me take that risk. that chance to love and allow myself to be loved with a love that is so frightening, but worth every thing in the world. maybe you'll come and teach me to forget my worries and confide in you. with one "beautiful" maybe i'll see myself the way you see me. maybe you will be my mirror that does not lie. i don't want to fall in love if you're not the one to catch me the first time. i know how to take chances, but i want my first and last time to be only for you. and, as chances are, this may not happen. there may be another that enchants my heart. but i pray this prayer: that the pain i may receive will only enhance all the love you have for me; that i will not be jaded and turn you away.
i want so desperately to hold on to someone as tightly as they hold me. i want to love straight-forwardly, without question or doubt. i want to read a sonnet and not just understand it; not just interpret it; but feel it.
in one look, i want you to see me. all of me that has been waiting here for you. i live for you to invade my privacy, my most intimate thought. for your very touch to consume every part of me. to lead me through difficulties and uncomfortabilities while holding tightly onto my hand. i will give you my innocence. the light you will carry in your hard shall evaporate the raining tears i quietly, unexpectedly cry over you. or at least, the very thought of you. and that is why the hope of you is so very scary.
what if all these words are for naught? and what if all this leads to is more scoffing to cover up a bleeding, truthful heart?
i do not want to be infected with envy or jealousy.
i will love you and on your lips i will kiss happiness itself.
i want us to be filled with laughter and a love that even Neruda cannot write.
so...these songs are only a piece at capturing my lyrical heart. but one look you will find in my eyes will say more than my mouth will ever utter. and one kiss will say forever.
so, maybe...if you do, perchance, exist, you will find me. and you will love me fiercely and without pride or complexities.
and i won't feel like a fool in love, saying these words. i won't feel as silly as i do right now, just writing these feelings. i won't put up my walls and defenses. but i will lay my heart bare. and i hope, i will always hope, continue to hope, that the idea of you exists in a body. because you must exist. and i will wait. because one year with you will be like an eternity in heaven.

i wrote this in the deepest parts of my sickness. which is very obvious in a lot of places. but...it's still truthful in many places. the hopeful (sick) romantic strikes again. and i'm not opposed.

hmph.

i don't feel like myself.
or who i'm supposed to be.
i have no ambition right now.
to do or be anything.
i don't feel like a Christian.
i don't feel like a friend.
something is wrong with me...
i'm irritable.
i'm irresponsible.
i cry at the drop of a hat.
about anything and everything.
i wear a mask.
everything i thought i stood for...
i can't find it.
i feel like i'm always in the wrong.
and i can't do anything right.
i'm miserable.
and i've isolated myself.
and i don't know how to make this better.
i keep running and running...
and i can't find any comfort.
someone...please.
help me.

my eyes are opened...my heart is warmed

there's nothing greater than making a connection with someone, at the very basis of your humanity. to be understood so deeply that once again, you see what it's like to understand yourself for the first time...to talk and talk and discover...and have someone right alongside you.
this may not make sense to anyone but me...but that's really all that matters.
it makes this dreary day so much brighter.

crappy valentine's day with debbie downer...

i'm heartsick.
and i don't even have anyone that i want to be with.
and i'm not lonely.
i'm just...yep. heartsick.
confused.
it's like, there are all those people who have had a billion relationships (collectively), and they say that i can't understand them until i've experienced it. alone on valentine's day is apparently better than being dumped right before.
and so i sit here, thinking if i could just understand...have one relationship. then i would see. i could relate with others.
but it's not even worth it.
i don't want to have a relationship to prove something.
does that even make any sense?
all i know is that there is a person out there at this very moment who wants to give me a big hug...and there's no way to get there.
and right now, i think that's all i really, really need.
being sick sucks.
so does being on your period.
but it simply takes the cake when they're both simultaneous events.
again...burying myself in the 3-foot snow drifts seems a lot better than dealing with these thoughts of mine.

hmmm...

praise goes a long way.
and it's been a while.
and so i'm feeling like nothing really matters anymore.
i feel like i should just keep on trucking to pay the bills.
other than that, why bother?
i mean, how good am i?
what is it worth in the end?
will i ever have the "in/it" voice?
the look?
ugh, it's all pointless.
at least, right now it is.
maybe my grad program shouldn't include music, but something practical, like international business. i'd get to still be with people, smart people, and i'd get to travel.
bah.
i'm just gonna stop before i feel like burying myself in the layers of snow outside.