i had the strangest dream...

lately, i've had all these dreams about me being held by someone. and a part of me wants it. (probably the sick, dependent part.) yet there is a stronger part that is so happy with independence. it's much better for me right here and now. and like i've said before, no one trumps chris. yet? maybe never...and sometimes, i wouldn't mind never...
anyway, i just thought i would import a little piece of stuff that i wrote around valentine's day. just because i think it's pretty well written and something that i shouldn't forget too soon. so, here it is...

(a CD in the making...)

The Nearness of You, Norah Jones
Come What May, Ewan McGregor/Nicole Kidman
At Last, Etta James
Your Body is a Wonderland, John Mayer
I Want You to Be My Love, Over The Rhine
The Luckiest, Ben Folds
No Other Way, Jack Johnson
Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
Head Over Feet, Alanis Morissette
Never Saw Blue, Shawn Colvin
Kind & Generous, Natalie Merchant
The Way You Look Tonight, Toni Bennett
Feels Like Home, Chantal Kreviazuk
Come Down Now, Sufjan Stevens
Have You Seen My Love?, Rosie Thomas
You Take My Breath Away, Eva Cassidy
The Morning Song, Jewel
I've Never Been in Love Before, Linda Ronstadt

i don't even know if you exist; the thought of you, yes; the hope of you, yes...but you actually existing. for only me. i just don't know. and i'm not waiting around for you or searching to find you. but maybe one day you'll surprise me in the only way you could. and it'll be real and true and not just my hopeful imagination or my idealistic cliche of romance. but you'll love me. in the only way i am to be loved. and there'll be no insecurity; you'll be the only one who knows how to make me believe in you and i as one. you'll be the one to uncover my eyes and my heart and help me take that risk. that chance to love and allow myself to be loved with a love that is so frightening, but worth every thing in the world. maybe you'll come and teach me to forget my worries and confide in you. with one "beautiful" maybe i'll see myself the way you see me. maybe you will be my mirror that does not lie. i don't want to fall in love if you're not the one to catch me the first time. i know how to take chances, but i want my first and last time to be only for you. and, as chances are, this may not happen. there may be another that enchants my heart. but i pray this prayer: that the pain i may receive will only enhance all the love you have for me; that i will not be jaded and turn you away.
i want so desperately to hold on to someone as tightly as they hold me. i want to love straight-forwardly, without question or doubt. i want to read a sonnet and not just understand it; not just interpret it; but feel it.
in one look, i want you to see me. all of me that has been waiting here for you. i live for you to invade my privacy, my most intimate thought. for your very touch to consume every part of me. to lead me through difficulties and uncomfortabilities while holding tightly onto my hand. i will give you my innocence. the light you will carry in your hard shall evaporate the raining tears i quietly, unexpectedly cry over you. or at least, the very thought of you. and that is why the hope of you is so very scary.
what if all these words are for naught? and what if all this leads to is more scoffing to cover up a bleeding, truthful heart?
i do not want to be infected with envy or jealousy.
i will love you and on your lips i will kiss happiness itself.
i want us to be filled with laughter and a love that even Neruda cannot write.
so...these songs are only a piece at capturing my lyrical heart. but one look you will find in my eyes will say more than my mouth will ever utter. and one kiss will say forever.
so, maybe...if you do, perchance, exist, you will find me. and you will love me fiercely and without pride or complexities.
and i won't feel like a fool in love, saying these words. i won't feel as silly as i do right now, just writing these feelings. i won't put up my walls and defenses. but i will lay my heart bare. and i hope, i will always hope, continue to hope, that the idea of you exists in a body. because you must exist. and i will wait. because one year with you will be like an eternity in heaven.

i wrote this in the deepest parts of my sickness. which is very obvious in a lot of places. but...it's still truthful in many places. the hopeful (sick) romantic strikes again. and i'm not opposed.