4.17.2008
an empty canvas
i realize even though time continues to pass, my life really has not begun. i say this because, though a bit naive, it produces a much better feeling, a more hopeful feeling, than to think that this is the life i have chosen to begin living. filled with no excitement. this is not how i was born to be. sure, i may not be doing exactly what i wish i was doing, but i have always been known to have a life filled with excitement. now i occupy myself with boredom and basically shoot myself in the foot. i'm really not that unhappy; i'm just supremely restless. i've never really been in the same place for longer than a four year stretch and i'm going on...six years i think? it's no good. maybe i'll go teach english in india, or learn a different culture in africa. or reproduce a glorious english accent. who knows, who knows...i just have to continue to remember that as long as i keep moving, so will God.
4.08.2008
i want to write so that i can cry...
so, last night i prayed for a long time about where i am, where i'm going, what i'm doing, and what i should be doing. and the more i know, the more i realize i don't know.
many of my passions come and go. none of them ever leave me, but there is time devoted to each of them, and like anything else, i'm stricken by certain ones more heavily.
at this point in time, with the threat of this TMJ debacle scares me. the whole "use it or lose it" ideal keeps haunting me. i'm not using my musical talents at all, so maybe God is trying to show me just how important these gifts are to me. and i have this fire burning in me to write and sing. this has always been scary to me because being vulnerable through music has always been difficult. it's the quickest way to my heart and if there's a person i trust and admire who says "meh, she's ok" or "um...wow, i expected more" i know i'll just close up and never want to do anything ever again. but i know i owe it to myself to dedicate myself to this project and to follow through it with discipline. i hope this makes sense because i'm not totally focused. i just want to have fun with music again.
i want to use my music to make me feel again. to want to cry because of something so God-inspired and beautiful.
so here goes nothing...or everything. whichever.
many of my passions come and go. none of them ever leave me, but there is time devoted to each of them, and like anything else, i'm stricken by certain ones more heavily.
at this point in time, with the threat of this TMJ debacle scares me. the whole "use it or lose it" ideal keeps haunting me. i'm not using my musical talents at all, so maybe God is trying to show me just how important these gifts are to me. and i have this fire burning in me to write and sing. this has always been scary to me because being vulnerable through music has always been difficult. it's the quickest way to my heart and if there's a person i trust and admire who says "meh, she's ok" or "um...wow, i expected more" i know i'll just close up and never want to do anything ever again. but i know i owe it to myself to dedicate myself to this project and to follow through it with discipline. i hope this makes sense because i'm not totally focused. i just want to have fun with music again.
i want to use my music to make me feel again. to want to cry because of something so God-inspired and beautiful.
so here goes nothing...or everything. whichever.
4.06.2008
(T)ear (M)y (J)aw off!
TMJ--Temporomandibular joint and muscle disorders, commonly called "TMJ," are a group of conditions that cause pain and dysfunction in the jaw joint and the muscles that control jaw movement.
most commonly TMJ is defined as the ultimate destroyer of all my future hopes, dreams, aspirations connected to my chosen major and career path.
my left jaw has popped for...six years. before going into college, i scheduled an appointment with my dentist to get everything checked out so that i would have nothing to worry about while pursuing my dreams of being an opera star. well, the dentist said everything i wanted to hear. that nothing would keep me from singing.
well...things have gotten progressively worse. today i woke up and my jaw was locked closed. couldn't open the mouth. and of course who doesn't freak about something like that? especially when you're an eater! how was i supposed to eat breakfast? lunch? all five of my daily snacks? hahah, you get the idea. needless to stay, stressing didn't help because it caused me to carry even more tension in my jaw. i knew in order to have any hope of getting anything in my mouth of any nutritional value for the day, i would just have to hunker down and crack the jaw open. (which is always EXTREMELY painful) so i went ahead and started crying a little bit, just to get everything in motion. and it popped open and i wanted to faint or puke or stuff an ice packet in my jaw.
i recently got my insurance cards, and hopefully they're effective, because i really need to see what i can do about this. i've read a bunch of things about it and the disorder runs in cycles where i'll be fine for a while and then it'll hit all at once. but it's getting worse and worse, so i just need to see what can be done.
boo.
oh, and it probably didn't help that i was over at lynsi's. because i wanted to act like i was having a great time. let's just say i'm a really great actor. so, i guess if i can't sing ever for the rest of my life, i'll have something to do. yeah. it's starting to hurt when i sing now. i usually ignore the pain. don't know if i should do that.
just a big day filled with OUCH.
fast forward 10 minutes later: i just had a major sneezing fit...and i was very close to having my jaw fly out of my face. hahaha, what a day.
most commonly TMJ is defined as the ultimate destroyer of all my future hopes, dreams, aspirations connected to my chosen major and career path.
my left jaw has popped for...six years. before going into college, i scheduled an appointment with my dentist to get everything checked out so that i would have nothing to worry about while pursuing my dreams of being an opera star. well, the dentist said everything i wanted to hear. that nothing would keep me from singing.
well...things have gotten progressively worse. today i woke up and my jaw was locked closed. couldn't open the mouth. and of course who doesn't freak about something like that? especially when you're an eater! how was i supposed to eat breakfast? lunch? all five of my daily snacks? hahah, you get the idea. needless to stay, stressing didn't help because it caused me to carry even more tension in my jaw. i knew in order to have any hope of getting anything in my mouth of any nutritional value for the day, i would just have to hunker down and crack the jaw open. (which is always EXTREMELY painful) so i went ahead and started crying a little bit, just to get everything in motion. and it popped open and i wanted to faint or puke or stuff an ice packet in my jaw.
i recently got my insurance cards, and hopefully they're effective, because i really need to see what i can do about this. i've read a bunch of things about it and the disorder runs in cycles where i'll be fine for a while and then it'll hit all at once. but it's getting worse and worse, so i just need to see what can be done.
boo.
oh, and it probably didn't help that i was over at lynsi's. because i wanted to act like i was having a great time. let's just say i'm a really great actor. so, i guess if i can't sing ever for the rest of my life, i'll have something to do. yeah. it's starting to hurt when i sing now. i usually ignore the pain. don't know if i should do that.
just a big day filled with OUCH.
fast forward 10 minutes later: i just had a major sneezing fit...and i was very close to having my jaw fly out of my face. hahaha, what a day.
4.03.2008
spring awakening (not the musical)
Mary Lennox: "Hello, Pretty Robin. Show me the way to the gate. Please."
i say this every time i see a robin. then this line is usually followed with bad cockney accents as i also try to be Dickon and Martha. and of course sometimes, on the days that it rains, i try to be Colin and scream and wail and say something like "THE SPORES! THE SPORES! Someday I'm going to die!" of course people here think i'm crazy. but hey, why not? you only live once, right?
all this to say i saw a robin today. it's the first i've seen since the beginning of spring. of course this comes as no shock as robins only venture out on typically warm days. it alway makes my heart a little happy as i see them, because i know that spring weather will follow for the day.
and in honor of the movie made in the early 90s, i'm listening to the soundtrack that is SO beautiful by a mr.zbigniew preisner.
and i love when i get up early on my days off. it hardly ever happens because usually my story is "i love to sleep in on my days off." but jack was nosing my face to go outside, and though i usually just burrow deeper into the covers, i saw the sun shining and thought, well, why not? i'm half awake already anyway. so, here i am, blogging to all you readers about my little bit of crazy. but i'm sure i'm not alone.
however, i must depart for the time being. jack is running around the room with a BBQ sauce packet and a sock. it goes without saying this is a recipe for disaster!
i say this every time i see a robin. then this line is usually followed with bad cockney accents as i also try to be Dickon and Martha. and of course sometimes, on the days that it rains, i try to be Colin and scream and wail and say something like "THE SPORES! THE SPORES! Someday I'm going to die!" of course people here think i'm crazy. but hey, why not? you only live once, right?
all this to say i saw a robin today. it's the first i've seen since the beginning of spring. of course this comes as no shock as robins only venture out on typically warm days. it alway makes my heart a little happy as i see them, because i know that spring weather will follow for the day.
and in honor of the movie made in the early 90s, i'm listening to the soundtrack that is SO beautiful by a mr.zbigniew preisner.
and i love when i get up early on my days off. it hardly ever happens because usually my story is "i love to sleep in on my days off." but jack was nosing my face to go outside, and though i usually just burrow deeper into the covers, i saw the sun shining and thought, well, why not? i'm half awake already anyway. so, here i am, blogging to all you readers about my little bit of crazy. but i'm sure i'm not alone.
however, i must depart for the time being. jack is running around the room with a BBQ sauce packet and a sock. it goes without saying this is a recipe for disaster!
3.07.2008
um...
have i done anything in my life that has signaled men to not love me like crazy? or that i don't know how to love him like crazy back? i feel like i don't speak in code, and i don't try to be sneaky and manipulate things. but it's just not happening for me. maybe i'll go to a faraway land where there'll be a reason for no one to want to be with me. i don't know. i'm not being dumb and emotional for no reason. i have a reason. but i just care not to share. i went out looking for answers and came back with more questions. but that's usually the way it works, isn't it?
maybe i'm just not anyone's type...
or maybe i'm just super-lame for even talking about this.
i guess it's because during my time on facebook, long-lost friends have come to add me as friends and i look at their profiles to find that almost 90% of them have gotten married and have settled down with children and are just content for the most part with where their lives have led them. it's just strange. for the most part, i too am happy. but where do i put all this love that i have? i don't want to become the crazy person who puts all their life into a song. but honestly...
maybe i'm just not anyone's type...
or maybe i'm just super-lame for even talking about this.
i guess it's because during my time on facebook, long-lost friends have come to add me as friends and i look at their profiles to find that almost 90% of them have gotten married and have settled down with children and are just content for the most part with where their lives have led them. it's just strange. for the most part, i too am happy. but where do i put all this love that i have? i don't want to become the crazy person who puts all their life into a song. but honestly...
2.24.2008
am i a member of "the stupid girl club"?
have you ever sat around, trying to occupy yourself with seemingless tasks, allthewhile waiting for a ding from your gmail inbox, saying you've gotten an email from the one person you're hoping would drop you a line?
if no, just stop reading altogether. this blog will be meaningless to you. though possibly comical.
if yes, are we among the group i so fondly label "the stupid girl club"?
chris texted me a few half-hours ago stating that he hates being single. and for the first time in a long time, i admitted the same.
sure, i don't mind it most of the time. but i believe my life would be a lot more fulfilling, knowing that i would get to share this amazing love that has been built into me for the past 24 and counting years. but i have been suffocating myself with excuses of "i'm not ready" or "i need to work on myself first"...i mean, i'm so close to perfection, just give me a few more weeks. who's going to burst my bubble and say it's not possible? who? because that someone....you would be my hero and knight of rationality.
underneath all the excuses and subject changes, truth be told, i'm just terrified. crazed with fear that i'll just royally screw up someone's life because i'm not decisive enough to know whether or not i want to be with him. or whether i'm good enough, or do the right thing, or say the right thing...
and then there's this person.
i go back and forth, back and forth on how to feel. not knowing if he would ever love me the way i long to be loved by another. wondering if we truly have enough in common, if we would mesh the way i so hope we would. but instead of seeking out these answers, i hide behind my doubts and turn THOSE into the truths so i don't have to worry about the moment of rejection, or as my mother stated last night, the moment of affirmation. the moment when he could say that he loves me. or that he wants to be with me. am i ready for that? will i ever be ready?
i play devil's advocate all the time in my head. i tell myself the reasons i shouldn't date are because of the marriage failures in my family that haunt me. but then another part of me rebuts by saying, but you've never even tried. you're just sitting on your hands waiting for something to happen. you have to move in order to be moved. maybe you're just not mature enough. to which i quickly recant with, shah! like you know me? i'd be one of the most responsive, most caring people you could ever be with!...and then i think about how crazy i am and sigh and just drop everything altogether.
i have all these thoughts that run through my head, things that "i want! i want! i want!"...yet i don't have the gumption to go out on a limb and even try. i'm still the chubby (one of the words i HATE) girl with big ol' honkin' glasses that incessantly slid down her nose as she walks up to the boy she has loved since kindergarten, holding in her shaking hands the letter to change her future, filled with all the feelings and emotions that can be had by a sixth grader. she hands it off to him, waiting to see his response, hoping it to be a hug of acceptance. what she sees instead is him smile (reassuring) and then hand it off to his idiot sidekick (nauseating), followed by him laughing and flashing a look as if to say "you?? you really thought i would like YOU?" and then run off to class. i turn around, holding my head up in dignity, passing by all the snickering girls who were equally infatuated with him, and hop into a bathroom, looking unscathed, only to fall apart in a bathroom stall, acknowledging that my dreams have been torn to pieces.
no, i don't want this to happen again.
but...i know that this guy? he cares about me. he loves me as a friend should love. and i know that he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt me. one of the number one reasons i'm drawn to him. he's a softy.
also, what's the risk? in the grand scheme of things, i know i'll still learn something from taking a step. good or bad, there's always something to be learned.
so, in closing, i'd like to reflect on some great wisdom from one of the most celebrated, empassioned singers of our time: celine dion. :-)
"what do you say to taking chances? what do you say to jumping over the edge? never knowing if there's solid ground below, a hand to hold, or hell to pay...what do you say?"
what do you say?
oh, celine. amen.
if no, just stop reading altogether. this blog will be meaningless to you. though possibly comical.
if yes, are we among the group i so fondly label "the stupid girl club"?
chris texted me a few half-hours ago stating that he hates being single. and for the first time in a long time, i admitted the same.
sure, i don't mind it most of the time. but i believe my life would be a lot more fulfilling, knowing that i would get to share this amazing love that has been built into me for the past 24 and counting years. but i have been suffocating myself with excuses of "i'm not ready" or "i need to work on myself first"...i mean, i'm so close to perfection, just give me a few more weeks. who's going to burst my bubble and say it's not possible? who? because that someone....you would be my hero and knight of rationality.
underneath all the excuses and subject changes, truth be told, i'm just terrified. crazed with fear that i'll just royally screw up someone's life because i'm not decisive enough to know whether or not i want to be with him. or whether i'm good enough, or do the right thing, or say the right thing...
and then there's this person.
i go back and forth, back and forth on how to feel. not knowing if he would ever love me the way i long to be loved by another. wondering if we truly have enough in common, if we would mesh the way i so hope we would. but instead of seeking out these answers, i hide behind my doubts and turn THOSE into the truths so i don't have to worry about the moment of rejection, or as my mother stated last night, the moment of affirmation. the moment when he could say that he loves me. or that he wants to be with me. am i ready for that? will i ever be ready?
i play devil's advocate all the time in my head. i tell myself the reasons i shouldn't date are because of the marriage failures in my family that haunt me. but then another part of me rebuts by saying, but you've never even tried. you're just sitting on your hands waiting for something to happen. you have to move in order to be moved. maybe you're just not mature enough. to which i quickly recant with, shah! like you know me? i'd be one of the most responsive, most caring people you could ever be with!...and then i think about how crazy i am and sigh and just drop everything altogether.
i have all these thoughts that run through my head, things that "i want! i want! i want!"...yet i don't have the gumption to go out on a limb and even try. i'm still the chubby (one of the words i HATE) girl with big ol' honkin' glasses that incessantly slid down her nose as she walks up to the boy she has loved since kindergarten, holding in her shaking hands the letter to change her future, filled with all the feelings and emotions that can be had by a sixth grader. she hands it off to him, waiting to see his response, hoping it to be a hug of acceptance. what she sees instead is him smile (reassuring) and then hand it off to his idiot sidekick (nauseating), followed by him laughing and flashing a look as if to say "you?? you really thought i would like YOU?" and then run off to class. i turn around, holding my head up in dignity, passing by all the snickering girls who were equally infatuated with him, and hop into a bathroom, looking unscathed, only to fall apart in a bathroom stall, acknowledging that my dreams have been torn to pieces.
no, i don't want this to happen again.
but...i know that this guy? he cares about me. he loves me as a friend should love. and i know that he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt me. one of the number one reasons i'm drawn to him. he's a softy.
also, what's the risk? in the grand scheme of things, i know i'll still learn something from taking a step. good or bad, there's always something to be learned.
so, in closing, i'd like to reflect on some great wisdom from one of the most celebrated, empassioned singers of our time: celine dion. :-)
"what do you say to taking chances? what do you say to jumping over the edge? never knowing if there's solid ground below, a hand to hold, or hell to pay...what do you say?"
what do you say?
oh, celine. amen.
2.06.2008
where is my life?
i can't sleep.
so i thought i would tell you where i am, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
right now i'm in my apartment that i share with chris. (don't know if you knew i was living with him or not. it's the best of times, it's the worst of times.) i'm watching my dog jack sleep on my bed right now (he's a black lab), and i'm questioning life.
lately i've just wanted to be a hermit and just get back to communing solely with God. i miss Him.
i've been binge eating because i'm stressed, unhappy, confused, scared. slap on another hundred pounds of mashed potatoes. maybe then i'll find comfort.
i drive 1.5 hours to work every day and then turn around and drive 1.5 hours back home. i feel like one of the most retarded people on the planet, driving like this. i feel like i'm wasting tons of money. well, because i am. i thought maybe i could break my lease, move down to the same city (kokomo) where i work, but found that the apartment complex would demand more money than i have to give them in order to leave. so it's just really awful.
it wasn't financially bad until my car died forever (on christmas eve). then i had to get a new car (which i'm thankful for but which takes a lot of my paycheck) and the insurance was not a price of my liking. so i'm just barely floating on the water, slowly feeling the chains starting to tug me under. but as long as i stay breathing and don't panic. sometimes i think that i'm over my head, having to prove myself to everyone; that i can be a responsible girl and pay all my bills and earn a living. be independent.
my mother recently started dating this guy from tennessee (she divorced my step-dad; it was finalized the 12thish of december; she's now Diane Owsley). she called me tonight saying she's getting ready to hop on her plane for valentine's day week and spend the time with him. he seems really nice, and he seems to make her happy. but she's super-involved with him already so we don't really get to talk much anymore about anything other than this Carl guy. she always wants my opinion but i hold off. i think she's moving too fast, and that she's not thinking too clearly and that she's settling for the first guy who has shown her some positive attention. and like i said, he's nice. but there are a lot of really nice guys out there, you know? i just want to make sure that my mom finally finds the best guy for her. for her to feel like she can take her time and find the one who's been waiting for her all his life. she deserves the supreme romance. she's dealt with too much to not finally have a break.
i think i'm becoming skeptical about finding love. or feeling love from someone else. or if i truly, truly understand love myself. i read first corinthians 13 a lot, hoping that i will be able to create this love that Christ has given us. but i just feel like i'm missing some great step. i'm afraid of stepping out. afraid of not being accepted. afraid of being that 6th grade girl again who finally got the nerve to call the boy she absolutely died for, only to have him laugh at her and tell her that she was too ugly and fat to ever be loved by him. sure, that may have been half a lifetime ago, but sometimes it feels just like yesterday. and then sometimes i think i hide behind my weight because that should be the first thing that deters anyone from liking me. but what if the reason i'm rejected is because of who i am? not what i look like?
i stare at this keyboard that i have in my room. i haven't played my music for a long time now. i can't really say why. i guess maybe i'm afraid yet again of feeling lost. or feeling trapped and like this really shouldn't be my life. that i should be in grad school, developing my craft so that i can find a way to use the gifts that God has so graciously given me.
i'm afraid of opening up. afraid that no one will want to listen. so i just listen to the same life stories, over and over. not to mention that i've been having a lot of trouble with my jaw lately. it locks up all the time, which wouldn't be so serious if i didn't want my singing to be my livelihood. i'm scared that because i'm not using my gift, God is slowly taking it away.
i miss beka.
sometimes my heart just aches for her. when i was with her, things were simple and they made sense, and i knew there was someone to love me as hard as i loved her. she's only about an hour away, but with my work schedule/driving schedule, i haven't seen her since my senior recital. and that's just so ridiculous and awful to me.
sometimes i listen to music and it just makes me so disheartened. i feel my dreams longing to be sought after, but feeling so overwhelmed with this "real life" deal that they just sit there.
these are things that i just never want to say. i don't want to be accused of complaining. i don't want to feel weak by letting someone know all these things. i never want to talk about life because there's nothing going on that makes it more than bleak.
the one shining light: i do enjoy my job. but i know there's so much more for me. so much that waits at my fingertips.
sometimes i just feel like a little broken bird. my wings need a mending because my heart is aching to fly.
i hate crying now. i used to not care. i used to be emotional all the time. but now i guess i fear that it will be seen as some passing weakness. that i'll just realize that this is what life is. that i'll grow up. that i'll realize that emotion doesn't solve anything. why cry? just do something already!
therefore, you can probably tell what the state of my soul is. i'm hurting. i'm grasping for support. to just be held like the child that i am. in my Daddy's arms. where i know i'll feel loved. safe and sound and at peace. i feel like a big screw-up when He had me set up for all these great things.
i don't know if this is exactly what you had in mind to hear from me. but it's where i am. i didn't want to share this, because i don't like being this way. but facts are facts i guess, and it's time i face them. and not face them alone, but with someone else.
yeah, that's all i got.
how about you?
so i thought i would tell you where i am, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
right now i'm in my apartment that i share with chris. (don't know if you knew i was living with him or not. it's the best of times, it's the worst of times.) i'm watching my dog jack sleep on my bed right now (he's a black lab), and i'm questioning life.
lately i've just wanted to be a hermit and just get back to communing solely with God. i miss Him.
i've been binge eating because i'm stressed, unhappy, confused, scared. slap on another hundred pounds of mashed potatoes. maybe then i'll find comfort.
i drive 1.5 hours to work every day and then turn around and drive 1.5 hours back home. i feel like one of the most retarded people on the planet, driving like this. i feel like i'm wasting tons of money. well, because i am. i thought maybe i could break my lease, move down to the same city (kokomo) where i work, but found that the apartment complex would demand more money than i have to give them in order to leave. so it's just really awful.
it wasn't financially bad until my car died forever (on christmas eve). then i had to get a new car (which i'm thankful for but which takes a lot of my paycheck) and the insurance was not a price of my liking. so i'm just barely floating on the water, slowly feeling the chains starting to tug me under. but as long as i stay breathing and don't panic. sometimes i think that i'm over my head, having to prove myself to everyone; that i can be a responsible girl and pay all my bills and earn a living. be independent.
my mother recently started dating this guy from tennessee (she divorced my step-dad; it was finalized the 12thish of december; she's now Diane Owsley). she called me tonight saying she's getting ready to hop on her plane for valentine's day week and spend the time with him. he seems really nice, and he seems to make her happy. but she's super-involved with him already so we don't really get to talk much anymore about anything other than this Carl guy. she always wants my opinion but i hold off. i think she's moving too fast, and that she's not thinking too clearly and that she's settling for the first guy who has shown her some positive attention. and like i said, he's nice. but there are a lot of really nice guys out there, you know? i just want to make sure that my mom finally finds the best guy for her. for her to feel like she can take her time and find the one who's been waiting for her all his life. she deserves the supreme romance. she's dealt with too much to not finally have a break.
i think i'm becoming skeptical about finding love. or feeling love from someone else. or if i truly, truly understand love myself. i read first corinthians 13 a lot, hoping that i will be able to create this love that Christ has given us. but i just feel like i'm missing some great step. i'm afraid of stepping out. afraid of not being accepted. afraid of being that 6th grade girl again who finally got the nerve to call the boy she absolutely died for, only to have him laugh at her and tell her that she was too ugly and fat to ever be loved by him. sure, that may have been half a lifetime ago, but sometimes it feels just like yesterday. and then sometimes i think i hide behind my weight because that should be the first thing that deters anyone from liking me. but what if the reason i'm rejected is because of who i am? not what i look like?
i stare at this keyboard that i have in my room. i haven't played my music for a long time now. i can't really say why. i guess maybe i'm afraid yet again of feeling lost. or feeling trapped and like this really shouldn't be my life. that i should be in grad school, developing my craft so that i can find a way to use the gifts that God has so graciously given me.
i'm afraid of opening up. afraid that no one will want to listen. so i just listen to the same life stories, over and over. not to mention that i've been having a lot of trouble with my jaw lately. it locks up all the time, which wouldn't be so serious if i didn't want my singing to be my livelihood. i'm scared that because i'm not using my gift, God is slowly taking it away.
i miss beka.
sometimes my heart just aches for her. when i was with her, things were simple and they made sense, and i knew there was someone to love me as hard as i loved her. she's only about an hour away, but with my work schedule/driving schedule, i haven't seen her since my senior recital. and that's just so ridiculous and awful to me.
sometimes i listen to music and it just makes me so disheartened. i feel my dreams longing to be sought after, but feeling so overwhelmed with this "real life" deal that they just sit there.
these are things that i just never want to say. i don't want to be accused of complaining. i don't want to feel weak by letting someone know all these things. i never want to talk about life because there's nothing going on that makes it more than bleak.
the one shining light: i do enjoy my job. but i know there's so much more for me. so much that waits at my fingertips.
sometimes i just feel like a little broken bird. my wings need a mending because my heart is aching to fly.
i hate crying now. i used to not care. i used to be emotional all the time. but now i guess i fear that it will be seen as some passing weakness. that i'll just realize that this is what life is. that i'll grow up. that i'll realize that emotion doesn't solve anything. why cry? just do something already!
therefore, you can probably tell what the state of my soul is. i'm hurting. i'm grasping for support. to just be held like the child that i am. in my Daddy's arms. where i know i'll feel loved. safe and sound and at peace. i feel like a big screw-up when He had me set up for all these great things.
i don't know if this is exactly what you had in mind to hear from me. but it's where i am. i didn't want to share this, because i don't like being this way. but facts are facts i guess, and it's time i face them. and not face them alone, but with someone else.
yeah, that's all i got.
how about you?
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