where is my life?

i can't sleep.
so i thought i would tell you where i am, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
right now i'm in my apartment that i share with chris. (don't know if you knew i was living with him or not. it's the best of times, it's the worst of times.) i'm watching my dog jack sleep on my bed right now (he's a black lab), and i'm questioning life.
lately i've just wanted to be a hermit and just get back to communing solely with God. i miss Him.
i've been binge eating because i'm stressed, unhappy, confused, scared. slap on another hundred pounds of mashed potatoes. maybe then i'll find comfort.
i drive 1.5 hours to work every day and then turn around and drive 1.5 hours back home. i feel like one of the most retarded people on the planet, driving like this. i feel like i'm wasting tons of money. well, because i am. i thought maybe i could break my lease, move down to the same city (kokomo) where i work, but found that the apartment complex would demand more money than i have to give them in order to leave. so it's just really awful.
it wasn't financially bad until my car died forever (on christmas eve). then i had to get a new car (which i'm thankful for but which takes a lot of my paycheck) and the insurance was not a price of my liking. so i'm just barely floating on the water, slowly feeling the chains starting to tug me under. but as long as i stay breathing and don't panic. sometimes i think that i'm over my head, having to prove myself to everyone; that i can be a responsible girl and pay all my bills and earn a living. be independent.
my mother recently started dating this guy from tennessee (she divorced my step-dad; it was finalized the 12thish of december; she's now Diane Owsley). she called me tonight saying she's getting ready to hop on her plane for valentine's day week and spend the time with him. he seems really nice, and he seems to make her happy. but she's super-involved with him already so we don't really get to talk much anymore about anything other than this Carl guy. she always wants my opinion but i hold off. i think she's moving too fast, and that she's not thinking too clearly and that she's settling for the first guy who has shown her some positive attention. and like i said, he's nice. but there are a lot of really nice guys out there, you know? i just want to make sure that my mom finally finds the best guy for her. for her to feel like she can take her time and find the one who's been waiting for her all his life. she deserves the supreme romance. she's dealt with too much to not finally have a break.
i think i'm becoming skeptical about finding love. or feeling love from someone else. or if i truly, truly understand love myself. i read first corinthians 13 a lot, hoping that i will be able to create this love that Christ has given us. but i just feel like i'm missing some great step. i'm afraid of stepping out. afraid of not being accepted. afraid of being that 6th grade girl again who finally got the nerve to call the boy she absolutely died for, only to have him laugh at her and tell her that she was too ugly and fat to ever be loved by him. sure, that may have been half a lifetime ago, but sometimes it feels just like yesterday. and then sometimes i think i hide behind my weight because that should be the first thing that deters anyone from liking me. but what if the reason i'm rejected is because of who i am? not what i look like?
i stare at this keyboard that i have in my room. i haven't played my music for a long time now. i can't really say why. i guess maybe i'm afraid yet again of feeling lost. or feeling trapped and like this really shouldn't be my life. that i should be in grad school, developing my craft so that i can find a way to use the gifts that God has so graciously given me.
i'm afraid of opening up. afraid that no one will want to listen. so i just listen to the same life stories, over and over. not to mention that i've been having a lot of trouble with my jaw lately. it locks up all the time, which wouldn't be so serious if i didn't want my singing to be my livelihood. i'm scared that because i'm not using my gift, God is slowly taking it away.
i miss beka.
sometimes my heart just aches for her. when i was with her, things were simple and they made sense, and i knew there was someone to love me as hard as i loved her. she's only about an hour away, but with my work schedule/driving schedule, i haven't seen her since my senior recital. and that's just so ridiculous and awful to me.
sometimes i listen to music and it just makes me so disheartened. i feel my dreams longing to be sought after, but feeling so overwhelmed with this "real life" deal that they just sit there.
these are things that i just never want to say. i don't want to be accused of complaining. i don't want to feel weak by letting someone know all these things. i never want to talk about life because there's nothing going on that makes it more than bleak.
the one shining light: i do enjoy my job. but i know there's so much more for me. so much that waits at my fingertips.
sometimes i just feel like a little broken bird. my wings need a mending because my heart is aching to fly.
i hate crying now. i used to not care. i used to be emotional all the time. but now i guess i fear that it will be seen as some passing weakness. that i'll just realize that this is what life is. that i'll grow up. that i'll realize that emotion doesn't solve anything. why cry? just do something already!
therefore, you can probably tell what the state of my soul is. i'm hurting. i'm grasping for support. to just be held like the child that i am. in my Daddy's arms. where i know i'll feel loved. safe and sound and at peace. i feel like a big screw-up when He had me set up for all these great things.
i don't know if this is exactly what you had in mind to hear from me. but it's where i am. i didn't want to share this, because i don't like being this way. but facts are facts i guess, and it's time i face them. and not face them alone, but with someone else.
yeah, that's all i got.
how about you?