am i a member of "the stupid girl club"?

have you ever sat around, trying to occupy yourself with seemingless tasks, allthewhile waiting for a ding from your gmail inbox, saying you've gotten an email from the one person you're hoping would drop you a line?
if no, just stop reading altogether. this blog will be meaningless to you. though possibly comical.
if yes, are we among the group i so fondly label "the stupid girl club"?
chris texted me a few half-hours ago stating that he hates being single. and for the first time in a long time, i admitted the same.
sure, i don't mind it most of the time. but i believe my life would be a lot more fulfilling, knowing that i would get to share this amazing love that has been built into me for the past 24 and counting years. but i have been suffocating myself with excuses of "i'm not ready" or "i need to work on myself first"...i mean, i'm so close to perfection, just give me a few more weeks. who's going to burst my bubble and say it's not possible? who? because that someone....you would be my hero and knight of rationality.
underneath all the excuses and subject changes, truth be told, i'm just terrified. crazed with fear that i'll just royally screw up someone's life because i'm not decisive enough to know whether or not i want to be with him. or whether i'm good enough, or do the right thing, or say the right thing...
and then there's this person.
i go back and forth, back and forth on how to feel. not knowing if he would ever love me the way i long to be loved by another. wondering if we truly have enough in common, if we would mesh the way i so hope we would. but instead of seeking out these answers, i hide behind my doubts and turn THOSE into the truths so i don't have to worry about the moment of rejection, or as my mother stated last night, the moment of affirmation. the moment when he could say that he loves me. or that he wants to be with me. am i ready for that? will i ever be ready?
i play devil's advocate all the time in my head. i tell myself the reasons i shouldn't date are because of the marriage failures in my family that haunt me. but then another part of me rebuts by saying, but you've never even tried. you're just sitting on your hands waiting for something to happen. you have to move in order to be moved. maybe you're just not mature enough. to which i quickly recant with, shah! like you know me? i'd be one of the most responsive, most caring people you could ever be with!...and then i think about how crazy i am and sigh and just drop everything altogether.
i have all these thoughts that run through my head, things that "i want! i want! i want!"...yet i don't have the gumption to go out on a limb and even try. i'm still the chubby (one of the words i HATE) girl with big ol' honkin' glasses that incessantly slid down her nose as she walks up to the boy she has loved since kindergarten, holding in her shaking hands the letter to change her future, filled with all the feelings and emotions that can be had by a sixth grader. she hands it off to him, waiting to see his response, hoping it to be a hug of acceptance. what she sees instead is him smile (reassuring) and then hand it off to his idiot sidekick (nauseating), followed by him laughing and flashing a look as if to say "you?? you really thought i would like YOU?" and then run off to class. i turn around, holding my head up in dignity, passing by all the snickering girls who were equally infatuated with him, and hop into a bathroom, looking unscathed, only to fall apart in a bathroom stall, acknowledging that my dreams have been torn to pieces.
no, i don't want this to happen again.
but...i know that this guy? he cares about me. he loves me as a friend should love. and i know that he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt me. one of the number one reasons i'm drawn to him. he's a softy.
also, what's the risk? in the grand scheme of things, i know i'll still learn something from taking a step. good or bad, there's always something to be learned.
so, in closing, i'd like to reflect on some great wisdom from one of the most celebrated, empassioned singers of our time: celine dion. :-)
"what do you say to taking chances? what do you say to jumping over the edge? never knowing if there's solid ground below, a hand to hold, or hell to pay...what do you say?"
what do you say?
oh, celine. amen.