today has been great. it started off waking up around 2 in the afternoon *hehehe*
and then chris and i just lazed around watching will and grace.
he left for work, i called shaun and we talked through a bunch of different topics until we were on the same page. it was very comforting and it made the future a little clearer.
and then i went to hayley's bonfire...and there were a lot of my good guy friends there. i miss boys. one in particular. and man, he looked good. :-) and he hugged me for a LOOOONG time (which shocked me because he isn't a physical person). he got his hair cut and he looked trim and healthy and he was just really...excited to see me. that's attractive, you know? another sunken gardens evening is at play for tomorrow. it'll be perfect talking with him. he just makes me so happy.
and now i've come back home to hang out with jack and continue the on-going marathon of will and grace until chris gets home from work...although i may be asleep by then. hopefully i'll last that long. :-)
so yeah...a beautiful day indeed. weather was perfect, and i'm hoping tomorrow will be the same.
7.07.2007
7.05.2007
insecurities...
i hate 'em.
i hate doubt and fear when they really have no motivation to be in a certain place.
what am i here for? to serve God only. no other gods before him. and yet every day, there is something new that i'm devoting my attention fully to. not God. but Chris, or wellsfargo, or my new shoes, or working out, or food. it's ridiculous! i hate being distracted from what truly counts.
and it doesn't really matter how much i talk about it, because nothing happens. i still go through the same motions every day, still frustrated at the end, wondering how i'm going to live my life like this.
and oklahoma. i'm so GLAD i'm going to oklahoma. i love new beginnings. they're scary, but SO exciting. i love starting over. lovelovelove. but i need to keep into perspective the reasons i'm going there. because if not, things are not going to be so enjoyable for me. and that's just not fair.
day by day, step by step.
God is good.
and He's always faithful. even when i'm not.
i hate doubt and fear when they really have no motivation to be in a certain place.
what am i here for? to serve God only. no other gods before him. and yet every day, there is something new that i'm devoting my attention fully to. not God. but Chris, or wellsfargo, or my new shoes, or working out, or food. it's ridiculous! i hate being distracted from what truly counts.
and it doesn't really matter how much i talk about it, because nothing happens. i still go through the same motions every day, still frustrated at the end, wondering how i'm going to live my life like this.
and oklahoma. i'm so GLAD i'm going to oklahoma. i love new beginnings. they're scary, but SO exciting. i love starting over. lovelovelove. but i need to keep into perspective the reasons i'm going there. because if not, things are not going to be so enjoyable for me. and that's just not fair.
day by day, step by step.
God is good.
and He's always faithful. even when i'm not.
7.01.2007
on the brink of exhaustion
physically tired.
mentally tired.
emotionally tired.
spiritually wired.
that is what is keeping me moving right now. but it also keeps me silent. i'm waiting for a word or a sign or just something to know that everything is happening just the way God has planned it. but then i realize that's not a way to live. i work so hard every day to do what is right and genuine and pleasing in the eyes of God. and sometimes i just forget to LOVE God. to LOVE and relish the fact that i am a child of the most awesome Father figure in the world. today was a day for relishing. and it's left me in awe. thinking about how things could be so much worse for me. thinking of how it would feel to have no hope. no compassion. no grace or acceptance for people. to look at people as though their darkest sin is written across their bodies.
i was talking with my mom today and in between all my confessing and crying i told her something that i have always kept to myself. that sometimes, i feel i have been given the eyes of God. that i see people through God's perspective. i've always kept it to myself because i've always been afraid of being laughed at, or chastised because i'm some horrific blasphemer. but i was just so filled with raw emotion and so completely tired today that i just said it. and i felt so naked. why is that? it just made me realize that people don't really know me. and the thoughts i think are not heard by anyone. i know it's a shocker that i have to say this, but i think it's because when beka was so close to me, it's as though we just understood one another and always shared the same thoughts. beka is my spiritual twin. (i miss her.)
i just long to feel holiness. i long to be in the presence of my God. i want to go home. i want to have God's unconditionally loving arms wrapped around my entire self, telling me it's all okay, and then knowing INSTANTLY that it's true. that there will be no more crying, no more worry, no more pain. there will be beauty and perfection and peace. i know it will be here in an eternal blink of an eye. but right now, in earth time, it seems like it's taking a bit too long.
but.
as long as i keep working for the Lord and not for men, i will inherit my own lil' mountaintop mansion. glory, glory, amen. (and the funniest thing about this post is that i just accidentally typed "aman". hehe.)
mentally tired.
emotionally tired.
spiritually wired.
that is what is keeping me moving right now. but it also keeps me silent. i'm waiting for a word or a sign or just something to know that everything is happening just the way God has planned it. but then i realize that's not a way to live. i work so hard every day to do what is right and genuine and pleasing in the eyes of God. and sometimes i just forget to LOVE God. to LOVE and relish the fact that i am a child of the most awesome Father figure in the world. today was a day for relishing. and it's left me in awe. thinking about how things could be so much worse for me. thinking of how it would feel to have no hope. no compassion. no grace or acceptance for people. to look at people as though their darkest sin is written across their bodies.
i was talking with my mom today and in between all my confessing and crying i told her something that i have always kept to myself. that sometimes, i feel i have been given the eyes of God. that i see people through God's perspective. i've always kept it to myself because i've always been afraid of being laughed at, or chastised because i'm some horrific blasphemer. but i was just so filled with raw emotion and so completely tired today that i just said it. and i felt so naked. why is that? it just made me realize that people don't really know me. and the thoughts i think are not heard by anyone. i know it's a shocker that i have to say this, but i think it's because when beka was so close to me, it's as though we just understood one another and always shared the same thoughts. beka is my spiritual twin. (i miss her.)
i just long to feel holiness. i long to be in the presence of my God. i want to go home. i want to have God's unconditionally loving arms wrapped around my entire self, telling me it's all okay, and then knowing INSTANTLY that it's true. that there will be no more crying, no more worry, no more pain. there will be beauty and perfection and peace. i know it will be here in an eternal blink of an eye. but right now, in earth time, it seems like it's taking a bit too long.
but.
as long as i keep working for the Lord and not for men, i will inherit my own lil' mountaintop mansion. glory, glory, amen. (and the funniest thing about this post is that i just accidentally typed "aman". hehe.)
6.25.2007
big fat liar
i think i've gotten into the awful habit of occasionally lying to myself.
and i don't realize it until i have these super moments of clarity when i can see what exactly i'm doing, or what i'm missing. and then i just want to slap myself in the face.
i usually do.
i've lived fully for 23 & 3/4 years...and i wonder where i will be in 23 & 3/4 more.
wonder. it's a good thing to have. i think wonder inspires hope. if you forget to look at things through new eyes, you don't ever see anything new and then i think your hope begins to die.
i think that may be why it's so hard for me to work at the bank on some days. every morning, no matter from where i'm coming, once i walk through that door, i pick up my attitude and know that i will do my very best that day, and that i'm not always going to be there if i'm going to be unhappy. and yet, there are a couple young girls around me who are paid very well, who do their job very well, but seldom do i hear a positive or encouraging word uttered from their lips. maybe it's because they both have problems with each other. but regardless, this is no excuse to be so sour as soon as you walk through the door! they have a responsibility to set an example for themselves and for everyone else. do they not enjoy helping people every day? then LEAVE! do something you love! or deal with your life! because i seriously don't want to hear about something you don't take the time on to fix.
maybe that's me being insensitive or naive. i really just hope it's me being truthful. times are hard, things don't always work out the way you plan, but things can ALWAYS be worse! and they WILL be. so enjoy the moment for what it is! enjoy the breath you are taking in, even if it's suffocated with sweltering heat!
and i know i don't always take this advice. but i'm going to. starting right now. i will hold myself accountable for my attitude. God knows EXACTLY what He's doing. every minute of every day. and i need to learn how to trust that.
and i don't realize it until i have these super moments of clarity when i can see what exactly i'm doing, or what i'm missing. and then i just want to slap myself in the face.
i usually do.
i've lived fully for 23 & 3/4 years...and i wonder where i will be in 23 & 3/4 more.
wonder. it's a good thing to have. i think wonder inspires hope. if you forget to look at things through new eyes, you don't ever see anything new and then i think your hope begins to die.
i think that may be why it's so hard for me to work at the bank on some days. every morning, no matter from where i'm coming, once i walk through that door, i pick up my attitude and know that i will do my very best that day, and that i'm not always going to be there if i'm going to be unhappy. and yet, there are a couple young girls around me who are paid very well, who do their job very well, but seldom do i hear a positive or encouraging word uttered from their lips. maybe it's because they both have problems with each other. but regardless, this is no excuse to be so sour as soon as you walk through the door! they have a responsibility to set an example for themselves and for everyone else. do they not enjoy helping people every day? then LEAVE! do something you love! or deal with your life! because i seriously don't want to hear about something you don't take the time on to fix.
maybe that's me being insensitive or naive. i really just hope it's me being truthful. times are hard, things don't always work out the way you plan, but things can ALWAYS be worse! and they WILL be. so enjoy the moment for what it is! enjoy the breath you are taking in, even if it's suffocated with sweltering heat!
and i know i don't always take this advice. but i'm going to. starting right now. i will hold myself accountable for my attitude. God knows EXACTLY what He's doing. every minute of every day. and i need to learn how to trust that.
6.21.2007
yep
so, i was about ready to just start spewing about a bunch of the things that are on my heart right now...because it's just been awhile. but they're probably things that i've already said before, and i just don't know how to change. so i'm not even gonna bother right now, because where i would usually say something? i'm just completely exhausted.
6.11.2007
and so it begins (one week later)
i decided to change my life. and some of my habits. such as my eating habits.
i joined weight watchers after swallowing a lot of pride, fear, frustration, and (it goes without saying) food.
this whole week there's been a slight feeling of desperation because i keep thinking about chocolates and pastries AND I DON'T EVEN EAT SWEETS! how crazy is that?! i go from hating chocolate to thinking my body needs it. survival mode, anyone? but i feel good. i feel healthy. even if i did gain .6 of a pound. the leader said it was completely normal to gain up to 3 pounds the first week because your body is going through such a shock. this definitely lifted my spirits as i stepped off the scale earlier this evening.
however, i really don't think the meetings are for me. i'm definitely the youngest girl in the room, and all the crazy women talk about craving peanut butter, and about another handle of women RUSH to her rescue with suggestions until the anxiety attack passes. and i really don't want to get caught laughing at them...
so yeah...i think that's about all i have to say about that. updates soon to come.
i joined weight watchers after swallowing a lot of pride, fear, frustration, and (it goes without saying) food.
this whole week there's been a slight feeling of desperation because i keep thinking about chocolates and pastries AND I DON'T EVEN EAT SWEETS! how crazy is that?! i go from hating chocolate to thinking my body needs it. survival mode, anyone? but i feel good. i feel healthy. even if i did gain .6 of a pound. the leader said it was completely normal to gain up to 3 pounds the first week because your body is going through such a shock. this definitely lifted my spirits as i stepped off the scale earlier this evening.
however, i really don't think the meetings are for me. i'm definitely the youngest girl in the room, and all the crazy women talk about craving peanut butter, and about another handle of women RUSH to her rescue with suggestions until the anxiety attack passes. and i really don't want to get caught laughing at them...
so yeah...i think that's about all i have to say about that. updates soon to come.
6.02.2007
why?
why are some people just...angry? or really irritable? i look around in their lives and i see nothing they are lacking. and yet they still remain belligerent and conceited. and just...always upset.
this concerns me. because i know that SOMETHING has to be wrong. maybe they're not being genuinely loved enough. maybe they have no control over the things going on around them and they feel so very desperate to maintain control over SOMETHING. which is their attitude. but you would THINK they would choose to be happy. but not all of them do.
i don't know really what brought this about. i guess i've just been thinking about it a lot lately. i've been thinking about how little things can literally destroy a person's ego or self-esteem. how an unkind word can rip another apart. the more i learn, the more i realize i still need to learn. SO desperately. God, please never let me take for granted the things/people/love i have in my life. i don't ever want to be bitter. or ungrateful.
thank you, God, for the reminder of your presence every day. whether it be in the HUGE puffy clouds in the sky, or the screaming children that run past my door. :-)
thank you for loving me enough to cushion when i fall. i love you. and i am trying to learn more about you day by day.
hahah...every time i use that phrase my heart goes back to all the memories of GODSPELL. i wish the very best for the second group taking it out. God knows, they're gonna need it to top last year's group. i'm not being cocky or conceited...just truthful...
this concerns me. because i know that SOMETHING has to be wrong. maybe they're not being genuinely loved enough. maybe they have no control over the things going on around them and they feel so very desperate to maintain control over SOMETHING. which is their attitude. but you would THINK they would choose to be happy. but not all of them do.
i don't know really what brought this about. i guess i've just been thinking about it a lot lately. i've been thinking about how little things can literally destroy a person's ego or self-esteem. how an unkind word can rip another apart. the more i learn, the more i realize i still need to learn. SO desperately. God, please never let me take for granted the things/people/love i have in my life. i don't ever want to be bitter. or ungrateful.
thank you, God, for the reminder of your presence every day. whether it be in the HUGE puffy clouds in the sky, or the screaming children that run past my door. :-)
thank you for loving me enough to cushion when i fall. i love you. and i am trying to learn more about you day by day.
hahah...every time i use that phrase my heart goes back to all the memories of GODSPELL. i wish the very best for the second group taking it out. God knows, they're gonna need it to top last year's group. i'm not being cocky or conceited...just truthful...
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