on the brink of exhaustion

physically tired.
mentally tired.
emotionally tired.
spiritually wired.
that is what is keeping me moving right now. but it also keeps me silent. i'm waiting for a word or a sign or just something to know that everything is happening just the way God has planned it. but then i realize that's not a way to live. i work so hard every day to do what is right and genuine and pleasing in the eyes of God. and sometimes i just forget to LOVE God. to LOVE and relish the fact that i am a child of the most awesome Father figure in the world. today was a day for relishing. and it's left me in awe. thinking about how things could be so much worse for me. thinking of how it would feel to have no hope. no compassion. no grace or acceptance for people. to look at people as though their darkest sin is written across their bodies.
i was talking with my mom today and in between all my confessing and crying i told her something that i have always kept to myself. that sometimes, i feel i have been given the eyes of God. that i see people through God's perspective. i've always kept it to myself because i've always been afraid of being laughed at, or chastised because i'm some horrific blasphemer. but i was just so filled with raw emotion and so completely tired today that i just said it. and i felt so naked. why is that? it just made me realize that people don't really know me. and the thoughts i think are not heard by anyone. i know it's a shocker that i have to say this, but i think it's because when beka was so close to me, it's as though we just understood one another and always shared the same thoughts. beka is my spiritual twin. (i miss her.)
i just long to feel holiness. i long to be in the presence of my God. i want to go home. i want to have God's unconditionally loving arms wrapped around my entire self, telling me it's all okay, and then knowing INSTANTLY that it's true. that there will be no more crying, no more worry, no more pain. there will be beauty and perfection and peace. i know it will be here in an eternal blink of an eye. but right now, in earth time, it seems like it's taking a bit too long.
but.
as long as i keep working for the Lord and not for men, i will inherit my own lil' mountaintop mansion. glory, glory, amen. (and the funniest thing about this post is that i just accidentally typed "aman". hehe.)