my final post.

you know how you can read things you've written in times past and just feel completely ridiculous about yourself? that's me right now.
i will keep this blog open only so that i may view it from time to time to measure growth. another chapter done.

choo choo...

so i'm sitting at my mother's house in cleveland, on her computadora. it's ten-of-the-clock, and there is a silence. the parents have gone to bed. i walk outside and look up to see the most beautiful vision of stars, a celestial body that is meant only for the country. i look across to see the mountains' silhouette outlined by the shining moon. though there are many perks to daylight, there is a peace and quiet of the night that cannot be matched.
can you even imagine the beauty of God? of heaven? when you see these gorgeous views? we drove through pigeon forge and the smokey mountains and the majesty of these formations left me speechless. they're beautiful and rolling and breath-taking.

tomorrow we shall go to downtown chattanooga. there was a very cute shop i stopped in on monday; however, all the shops close at five, so i didn't get a chance to spend too much time down there. sooo...tomorrow we shall go again. and i may later drive over to helen, georgia where i hear there is more beautiful landscape!

this journey has been a long time coming...feels so good.

God is moving...

so, i was driving home tonight on seemingly danger-less roads. key word being "seemingly". as i was driving home a little under the speed limit, the control of my car was taken from me and given completely to a monstrous snow drift, and far be it from me to do something only half-way. my little Kia did a 540 (an entire revolution + half a second one) and threw me quickly and gracefully into the ditch. THANK, THANK, THANK GOD no one was behind me, because it could have been much, much worse. Amazingly enough, nothing broke (on me or my car). however, i was in somewhat of a predicament, seeing as that the only visibility i had out of my left-side window was surrounded in snow. yes, i had hit so hard that i had basically buried myself in the snow. what was completely unlike me was that i didn't panic. i just kind of felt like, 'well, darn it.' and pulled out my driver's manual and coupon for a free tow. as i was getting ready to call the number, a man stopped and asked if i had anyone coming for me, and when i said 'no' he said he was going to pull me out, because it was too cold for 'a little lady' to be waiting on someone. and within half an hour, he had dug me out, pulled me up onto the road, and helped me get facing the right direction. and then i drove under 40 the rest of the way home.

when i am still, God is moving. when i am quiet, God is speaking. when i am scared, God is loving me. when i doubt, God is constant. when i fear, God protects me. i am unbelievably blessed to know these things.

jackary linus clouse von pfeffer

it does not matter what is going on in my head or my heart. jack is always there as a comfort and a source of joy and entertainment. he never lets me down. God bless Jack. (my black lab)

love is loaded

today has been a day of discovery.
i'll try to write later about this, because right now i'm just too exhausted from it all...

happy new year!

well, another year has come and gone.
and i didn't really need to set a lot of "new year resolutions" because i've been working on them for the past three months. that's encouraging. :-)

slow & steady wins the race.

sometimes i forget

there was a whispering in my ear today. in the midst of a lot of occupational turmoil, i was told there would be clear skies tonight. i thought i would go for a walk and try to remember to look up at the stars.

and i did.

i got home, and though it was chilly, i took the time to just bask in the glory. troubles vanished, thoughts dissipated, and it was just me and God and all his magnificent creation. and i worshiped.

sometimes i forget that though i breathe day in and day out (praise God), i am not in control. this breath that i breathe is a present. what happens if i don't wake up tomorrow? what if this is my very last night? why kill myself with the problems i can't change? why worry myself to death when the very thing that i can do most and best is to pray? God will guide me through the darkness. "yea, even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i fear no evil, for Thou art with me."

jealousy/anger/fear has a way of creeping up on me and swallowing every good thought. instead of being overjoyed that a person may have found love, these thieves will turn the feelings of happiness into cynicism and nagging questions of "when will it be MY turn? why doesn't he love ME? cry cry cry, sniffle sniffle sniffle." and i'm just tired of being like that. where's my heart? and when did it get so far off track?

life could be so much worse. i need to be thankful for the things i am fortunate enough to have, take the bad with the good, and not get caught up in all the extra junk that ultimately has no effect on my life.

*sigh* sweet dreams.

where?

where does God want me?

i can tell that it's not in Indiana, but i'm making the best of it for the time being.
i feel like my judgment has gotten clouded and i can't decipher what He may be saying to me. it used to be easy, but then i had to start "growing up" and somewhere, i lost the ability to hear those graceful promptings. i must set aside time for quiet, because right now it's killing me to not have the ease of silence.

chris recently added a post about all the options he has for the coming future...and while i'm sure i can say "the sky is the limit", i feel the sky is a lot shorter than i had imagined. it's like all the blue is down around me ears and i'm suffocating. now, this is going to be a list of things i don't want; this may or may not line up with where i am called...
i don't want to be wrapped up in a state with no beauty. sure, some can say you can find beauty if you look for it. but i really don't want to look anymore. i want something new and fresh. i don't want to be landlocked.
i was looking at apartments all up and down the coasts and while there were some BEAUTIFUL apartments, i'm not prepared to sacrifice my body parts limb after limb in order to pay rent every month. welcome to the feeling of unwelcomed entrapment.

there is also the option of saving more money and moving down to tennessee and living close to/with my mom...but it's different now because she's remarried and has a completely new life. and while it's great for her, i've never been very good at sharing my mother...which i think is why it's been easier for me to just let her go while i stay here. carl is a good man and treats her better than she's ever been treated in her lifetime. i'm grateful, but i think it's good for them to have their first year all to themselves.

work is mundane and unfulfilling, and the only thing keeping me there is its steadiness, and just the sheer thankfulness i feel for still having a job while so much of the population is being laid off. and i am a person who needs to feel appreciated or at least affirmed that i'm doing an ok job. i don't need tons of accolades, but an acknowledgment. i just feel like a whiny baby any time i address these issues, because as i said, i'm fortunate to still have an income...should that be accolades enough?

i haven't looked into grad school because i simply don't know. when i can't hear God's voice telling me what to do, and when prayer isn't bringing me the 100% answers (yes, my faith is shaken lately), i just sit here, on my bed, with the only comforting thing being how Jack loves me no matter what and wants to be by my side. i think he can sense that i'm just having a rough patch of it.

i don't have the answers. i don't know where i'm to go. it's almost january. our lease is up in april. and i just...want a new beginning in some form. to shed some (or all) of the anger/resentment/sadness that has been crowding my heart these past few months. these inner battles grow stronger and stronger and i know i'm not going to lose, but there sure have been some dark spots.

my hopes and dreams are unsteady, but i feel they would be revived with the ocean's view from my window or the mountains in which i could lose myself...or get eaten by bears :-)...i want to be closer to God. i need every day to be a beautiful sunrise or sunset. i need to see His beauty. because the ordinary...it's just not working anymore.

pray for my spirit. it's never felt this heavy before.

lovey & twinkle-eyed

how does christmas music possess such a power to make me just want to sway and dance? i'm home alone right now, (besides jack being my dancing fool of a partner. he loves it.) and i feel like i'm home. like my mom may be in the room over, my brother and dad maybe down the street. and that gramma & grampa are a short drive to see.

the aura of love is surrounding, and everything feels okay, even if only for the length of a carol or two. hahaha, and here is nsync: "merry christmas...happy holiday" hehehee

if i could make a burnt CD for the whole world to hear, this would be the one. it'd be the best way to share love around the world. i wonder how i can make this happen...
well, here's a start: send me your address, and i'll mail you one. no matter who you are, whether i know you or not.

merry christmas season. and as my mom's little lapel pin says on her winter coat without fail "Jesus is the reason for the season."
and as Tiny Tim says "God bless us, everyone."

"i don't wanna be Jesus"

i just awoke from the strangest dream. i will do what i can to keep it in its entire true form and describe it as vividly as i felt it.

i was back on the huntington campus to visit some friends, but as i started walking around, i realized that i didn't know anyone. i was looking for pose, or hayley, or deanna...anyone, really. but i kept walking through the cold, without a coat, the beauty and music of the campus gone, until i got into the library (which had a Subway sandwich station inside). now as i walked in, there were these booths that people were sitting in reading. and as soon as i started to look around, i saw this little girl pop up on top of the counter with her face painted white along with a single tear (one of the very popular mime faces, of course). and she started dancing. like kristen dances. just very graceful and sweeping with lots of emotion and without music. it was like the music was inside this girl and she wanted it to come out for everyone to hear it. i saw that she was just so sad. then, in walks bill fisher who is staring at the girl, at no one else. he rips her down off the counter and she kind of folds in two and then he drags her out of there into his office. at seeing this i was completely astonished and had no idea what to think of what was going on, and kristen walks in. i tell her about what had just happened and she said "i know; that's how i got this." and she raised up the entire back of her shirt to reveal this spine-length scar. i just mouth an "oh" and didn't address it any further.
i knew i needed to save this girl. so i walked to bill's office so hear no screaming, no fighting or flailing. just silence. and as i peered through the windows of his office, i saw all my friends in these bottles. (like the size of nalgene bottles but shaped like old-school coke bottles.) this is where i find pose, and hayley, and deanna, and drew wutke, and many more of my music friends as well. my breath was taken away and all i could do was stare until kristen broke this trance by saying, "i fought. that's why i'm here and not in one of those jars. they all tried, but he's very strong. he doesn't like passion."
out of sheer disbelief, and then panic, i start to run out of the HUB and toward the new dorm building, to seek some type of refuge from this craziness. and as i ran i got hit in the back of the leg with a rock by bill. (this ended up giving me a charlie horse in my sleep.) but i was too far ahead and was safely inside the dorms (it was like i was a gypsy crying out for 'sanctuary' from the madness outside. note: i did watch Hunchback Of Notre Dame this week.)
now as soon as i arrived inside, it was like i was in a museum built for art. but there was no art. no paintings. no statues. nothing on the walls. so i took out these pastel paints from my back pocket, along with a rolled-up piece of parchment from under my right arm. i laid them out and began to paint with these broad, rich strokes colors of brilliance and warmth. i was painting this knowing that it was meant to bring beauty and love into this place. to show that i would protect those who were persecuted and shelter those who couldn't shelter themselves. and i kept painting, painting faster and faster until from behind, i was jerked up, away and folded in half, being dragged backwards as the little girl had been, staring at the tiles as they quickly swept past me. i was terrified, because i didn't want to become a capture in a trophy bottle. but i didn't struggle. i didn't try to free myself. bill threw me into a corner of the museum's room to trap me. and as he inched closer and closer, i saw people walking all around, to and from classes, and so i yelled out for some help. but no one stopped. all their faces were cast down, solemn and grave. as bill flew toward me, i pushed up with my feet and kept going higher and higher every time bill lunged until i got caught on this nail that was jutting out from the wall and once i was stuck there, bill smiled satisfactorily, admiring his work, and walked away.
still people walked by, but they didn't stop. they didn't speak. they didn't look up. and i was up there, resigned to the fact that i would remain here because no one could see. i couldn't breathe.
and it slowly morphed into a hillside, where there were two other nails on either side of me in the room. two were hanging as i was and no one dared to take us down. and then, i felt like i was Jesus. there was suddenly a mass of people around, doing nothing to help me and i knew i was to die here. no one cared. no one understood. and i was devastated. my heart grew heavy along with my eyelids, and i knew i was to die. i just wanted people to understand what love means. that anywhere, love can be found. and then, i cried softly "i don't wanna be Jesus."

i woke up in a sweat, tired and stiff, but i couldn't go back to sleep. i started telling the dream to chris and i couldn't hold back my emotions. it just puts things into more of a perspective for me...

"maybe i should try humpback"

hehehee. this is the second day in a row where i've watched FINDING NEMO. and it never fails; this lil' clip makes me laugh out loud. the way ellen and the animators team up together...just perfection. the sounds/animation that follow after "maybe i should try humpback" KILLS me. hehehehe :-)

i don't know what it is about disney films, but there really is magic in them. i watch one and i always feel a little more childlike, a little happier.

other things that make me happier: tomorrow is abigail grace allwein's senior voice recital. and i'm excited to hear some good singin'. yay!

anger, helplessness, and fear

about five-and-a-half years ago (wow, i can't believe it's been that long; it doesn't feel it), i sat in on, taking many notes on an insightful HEARTLAND message with the katies on either side of me (katie kobelski on my left, katie jones on my right). many things were said in this divine message, but the one that has consistently stayed with me is that "anger is a product of fear and the first sign of helplessness." the message talked about healing your heart's wounds, the importance of reconciliation and taking steps to get your life back on track. how to cope and how to praise and worship even when times are hard. one journal entry later, i was sobbing over katie's death.

five-and-a-half years. and i'm still dealing with my heart: its unanswered questions, the vulnerability, the helplessness. the fear and anger.

the message is now instrumental yet again. my life is consistently in turmoil. my brains versus my heart almost 24/7; still without answers to questions i never thought i'd have to entertain. but i have been given a great burden...though i still can't decipher whether i blessed myself with it or if God has given it to me to make me more compassionate. (even though i thought i had already covered that.) i'm learning slowly the power of prayer and to be careful for what you ask.

my heart is burdened. my heart is tired.
i long for my dear friend in times like these. even though i know to have her back would mean too many struggles for her. she's where she belongs. and i'm sure she's out-singing all of those angels.

this was a song that i wrote down that was part of the worship service that sunday morning.

COME, COME, COME by benjamin steenke
all who are weary, all who are broken
all who are burdened, all who can't cope
all who are guilty, all who have sinned
all who are hopeless, all who despair
all who are helpless, the lonely and weak
all of the outcasts, those covered in shame
all of the orphans, be loosed from the chains
come, come, come, be found by the Father
let His radiance burn away your shame.
run, run, run into His shelter
immerse your heart
come and find rest, rest for your souls
come and find peace
peace like you've never known.

and my toils...it just makes me call out for home.
and this journey is my own.

PTO

so, it is thursday, and i have been on PTO for...5 days now. and it's so nice. no stress. i've read one-and-a-half jane austen books and have just RELAXED. i have not had a break like this since before i worked at wells fargo.

i want a job to which i want to return, and not view it so much like a death sentence. good things come to those who wait? ha. good things come to those who go out searching for their own happiness. so, i guess there's only one things left for me to do...

pray for guidance.

my heart

i have always been an emotional person.
i was labeled "the cry-baby" very early in life...but that was usually because i wasn't getting something that i wanted.
i feel things deeply, hope for things deeply, and cry easily.
until a handful of years ago.

i remember my mother saying (and chris a short time later)that crying doesn't solve the problem. and after that, i understood that maybe it hurt them too much, or it was too much for them to handle, when they saw me cry.
now, whether i'm talking with them about hard situations or even sitting next to them in a sappy tear-jerker of a movie, i hold it back.
i don't cry to solve problems. i don't cry to get out of situations.

but it's because of my heart. my heart is so overwhelmed (whether it be by joy, pain, confusion, frustration)that there is no other outlet. i hear a song that identifies with a situation in my life, and i lose it. it is my physical relief.

when katie died, i didn't cry instantly. and i don't remember exactly when it finally all poured out. but i remember my body feeling like it was pent up and needed to release. but i wouldn't let myself. maybe it was because i knew that once i cried i would know she was gone. and i just wasn't ready.

needless to say, there is a lot on my heart right now. things that i thought i had dealt with are coming back double, and i don't know what to do with myself.

maybe i should just move to ireland. they get to keen there...

FINDING NEVERLAND reminds me of..."the sickness".

so, i went to the carmel-clay public library....mmm, i love libraries. all the education in one building. all the endless card catalogs. it's like home. only...not.
amidst all the choices of audio selections, i found the lovely soundtrack of FINDING NEVERLAND. not only does it bring me fond memories of watching this movie for the first time, but it reminds me of GODSPELL summer. and the sickness that i was assured would remove me from this earth.

hahaha...i remember being on a stripped-bare dorm mattress with a snuggly blanket and pillow, slipping in and out of consciousness, mumbling and moaning, drinking powerade and downing vicodin. having a few phone conversations with chris that i never remembered having. i chose to watch this movie FINDING NEVERLAND, but i'm pretty sure i still have only seen parts of it. though i have the motif of the DVD menu etched into my memory forever. i would wake up, push play, pass out, and wake up to the menu recycling the motif over and over. i remember eric church's pumas as he sat on THE PIANO HOUSE's futon, his satchel of movies; i remember pose having a bout of sickness as well, failing to make it to the bathroom and back and chose just to lie down in the middle of the hallway where we gargled disjunct conversation back and forth till one or both of us dozed off. and cara running in (literally) with her mouth and nose covered yelling "i'm moving into the Late House!" and running back out with a handful of clothes to wear. to this day i don't really remember how long i was down with the wretched disaster. a week maybe? and i only remember taking two vicodin....hmm...

but i do know that it will be a very long time (if ever) before i will drink blue powerade again.

but FINDING NEVERLAND...a most beautifully composed movie score.

oh, bernadette...

watch this video. now.



i remember strolling along the youtube universe and stopping at this beautiful gem. i cannot imagine what musical theatre would have been like for all aspiring actresses without this woman. sure, you'd still have your idina's and sherie's...but i have yet to hear anyone be so consistent in both recordings and live performances. and the emotion! of course, i live for emotion. at least on the stage. sometimes it seems like everything can be said better from the stage. it makes you understand a little more clearly, bringing you poignant moments of liberation. and in this small, small clip, you don't listen for the imperfections in her voice, to make sure her vowels are rounded and that her posture is supportive of good sound. you just watch her face. the feeling that is there...is heart-wrenching and beautiful.

i know i'm somewhat alone in my love for bernadette. she's not in our "generation of musical theatre acceptance" at all. i mean, after all, she is 60. 60!! but i sure do hope that i sound as seasoned and as polished as she does when i turn 60.

it is amazing what God gives us. he never leaves us without a medium of communicating to others. if you can't speak definitively, he'll make you a painter, or a pianist, or a passionate vocalist. and then everything you do with your art will be your voice. i love how it all works out. glory.

(sigh) God bless Bernadette.

"has to be, HAS to be!!"

rebekah posegate: known lovingly to many as "pose", this girl has a way of making my spirit dance.

for the first time in a couple months, i got to see her up in huntington while chris rehearsed some songs with another dear one, abi. it's always funny when we first start talking because we just kind of smile and "yeah" a lot. lots of nodding and haha's...we aren't big talkers together.
i remember during GODSPELL summer, one of the reasons that i loved our house was because cara, pose, and i were quiet. and it worked well. it's not because we didn't want to talk to one another. or that we HATED one another. i think we just enjoyed the silence after having all those rambunctious rehearsals and performances. some of my best moments of communion happened with those girls.
in the times where we DID actually talk, there was no boredom. we'd talk about hopes and dreams and thoughts on life. we'd enjoy bubble tea and the calm.

and seeing her at huntington this time was no different. after we got through all the giggles and formalities of "what's new", we broke open to both our hearts and just let them sit out on the table in the MCA's room 106. again, we talked about life, hopes and dreams, and enjoyed the short time of calm and okayness. i wish i had this girl forever in my life. she's a jewel.

we talked about our future plans, about kristen in L.A., the loves of our life. we talked about silly things and important things. just so good.

mmm...so good.
love that girl.

(there's tons more that can be said about this girl, but honestly...the blog post would never end.)

if you hold it too close, you'll lose it...

it's funny how you can hear a song years before you'll understand its relevance...

today i was listening to some older music of rebecca st.james, just by chance, and i came across a song that speaks about the worries of life, what's to become of it, what i'm supposed to do with it, and the like...and the chorus rang true to me:

"don't worry about your life 'cause if you hold it too close, you'll lose it."

and that's basically what i've been doing for the past couple years...and instead of living life, i've just let time slip by, wondering when my life will start, when i'll start my life-long mission...
but i'm in it. i'm doing it right now. every day is a new mission. every day there are chances upon chances to see God's direction in my life. but i keep waiting for something bigger.

i think a lot about how all i'm doing is being a retail manager, forcibly convincing people with little money to spend beyond their means, coaxing them into applying for credit cards, inevitably setting them up for credit failure or more unneeded distress. i know this isn't where i'm supposed to spend the rest of my time...

and then, along with rebecca's words, today i strolled across a dear friend's facebook site to pick up another empowering piece:

If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well.

finding the extraordinary in the ordinary.

it's amazing how my faith has come full circle. there were months upon months where i doubted, i questioned, and i had no answers. i neglected the church, i neglected many Godly perspectives because i didn't want to believe just to believe. or practice just to practice. and now, i'm thirsty again. i'm hungry for Truth. every sunday i work makes me more and more desperate for a spiritual nourishment. and i realize now, that i am at war. far greater than any earthly war. and i want to win.

oh, God...help.

to build a home

how appropriate that i recently found a song called "to build a home".

today was a fantastic day, again helping me to realize the reasons i was put here on this planet.

early, early this morning a group of american eagle managers (and a few associates) helped to build five houses for habitat for humanity; two for hamilton county and three for hurricane katrina victims in new orleans. it was sponsored by a church that holds a lot of clout in the community. so a few opening inspirational words were to be said at 8:30 and then all the hammering would commence. well, seeing as a lot of men were the heads of the teams, a lot of hammering started as soon as they had the tools and wood in hand. 8:30 rolls around and the head pastor gets up to say a few words about which woods get certain nails, blahblahblah...and then he asked us all to bow our heads for a word of prayer.
and all the sound stopped. all sound. silence and quiet. it was the greatest example of how everyone is drawn to commune with God. and then as soon as the amens came, the hammering began exactly where it had left off. absolutely comforting, that moment.

then, throughout the hours, frustrations came and went, and fatigue began to set in. but finally, we were all done. one house was put together for publicity shots and the like. and it was just so fantastic to see how every small piece of wall could be put together to make a home.
then it was time for the dedication ceremony for the two families who would be getting the houses in hamilton county. both were single mothers. one (mrs.sanchez) had three daughters, probably in their mid-teens. the other (dawn) had a tiny, little girl named olivia. and when the habitat for humanity leader asked if the little girl had anything to say, she pointed to the wooden frame that was freshly erected and said excitedly and very matter-of-factly, "that's my house! that's MY house!"
and i lost it. and all the mother could get out was a 'thank you', as she swept up her daughter in her arms, knowing that all the hard times were going to be washed away in these last tears.

and everything inside of me went crazy. there is a fire within me. and i will not put it out. because i don't want to put it out. i want to make a difference in this world. and it has started by building houses.

and even though i had to work after and close the store, i just stood around all night, thinking about olivia. how she would have her very own room, how her mother would have cupboards for all the groceries, and thinking how all those walls were built with love and sweat and the hopes of a new future.

God bless Habitat for Humanity.
God bless Mrs.Sanchez and her daughters.
God bless Dawn and little Olivia.

"that's my house! that's MY house!"
i wish everyone in the world could have seen that little girl's face.

the big move.

well, not too big, but for me, kinda big. i've lived in northern indiana all my life. and though i have felt pulled to go everywhere all at once, i am remaining in indiana. but have moved more central. to the nice little area of carmel. it seems nice, it looks nice, and it's nice to have my dear friend lynsi griffin as a next door neighbor.
now, if i can get the rest of my life to start lining up for me, i think i'll be fantastic!
now my body just needs some time to recuperate. i moved on sunday and monday and then it was straight to work yesterday and today. thankfully i was smart enough to take a PTO day for tomorrow...because i feel pretty dead right now. everything just needs to lay in the bed just a bit longer.
nothing new other than the move though. the prospects are promising...