if you hold it too close, you'll lose it...

it's funny how you can hear a song years before you'll understand its relevance...

today i was listening to some older music of rebecca st.james, just by chance, and i came across a song that speaks about the worries of life, what's to become of it, what i'm supposed to do with it, and the like...and the chorus rang true to me:

"don't worry about your life 'cause if you hold it too close, you'll lose it."

and that's basically what i've been doing for the past couple years...and instead of living life, i've just let time slip by, wondering when my life will start, when i'll start my life-long mission...
but i'm in it. i'm doing it right now. every day is a new mission. every day there are chances upon chances to see God's direction in my life. but i keep waiting for something bigger.

i think a lot about how all i'm doing is being a retail manager, forcibly convincing people with little money to spend beyond their means, coaxing them into applying for credit cards, inevitably setting them up for credit failure or more unneeded distress. i know this isn't where i'm supposed to spend the rest of my time...

and then, along with rebecca's words, today i strolled across a dear friend's facebook site to pick up another empowering piece:

If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well.

finding the extraordinary in the ordinary.

it's amazing how my faith has come full circle. there were months upon months where i doubted, i questioned, and i had no answers. i neglected the church, i neglected many Godly perspectives because i didn't want to believe just to believe. or practice just to practice. and now, i'm thirsty again. i'm hungry for Truth. every sunday i work makes me more and more desperate for a spiritual nourishment. and i realize now, that i am at war. far greater than any earthly war. and i want to win.

oh, God...help.