anger, helplessness, and fear

about five-and-a-half years ago (wow, i can't believe it's been that long; it doesn't feel it), i sat in on, taking many notes on an insightful HEARTLAND message with the katies on either side of me (katie kobelski on my left, katie jones on my right). many things were said in this divine message, but the one that has consistently stayed with me is that "anger is a product of fear and the first sign of helplessness." the message talked about healing your heart's wounds, the importance of reconciliation and taking steps to get your life back on track. how to cope and how to praise and worship even when times are hard. one journal entry later, i was sobbing over katie's death.

five-and-a-half years. and i'm still dealing with my heart: its unanswered questions, the vulnerability, the helplessness. the fear and anger.

the message is now instrumental yet again. my life is consistently in turmoil. my brains versus my heart almost 24/7; still without answers to questions i never thought i'd have to entertain. but i have been given a great burden...though i still can't decipher whether i blessed myself with it or if God has given it to me to make me more compassionate. (even though i thought i had already covered that.) i'm learning slowly the power of prayer and to be careful for what you ask.

my heart is burdened. my heart is tired.
i long for my dear friend in times like these. even though i know to have her back would mean too many struggles for her. she's where she belongs. and i'm sure she's out-singing all of those angels.

this was a song that i wrote down that was part of the worship service that sunday morning.

COME, COME, COME by benjamin steenke
all who are weary, all who are broken
all who are burdened, all who can't cope
all who are guilty, all who have sinned
all who are hopeless, all who despair
all who are helpless, the lonely and weak
all of the outcasts, those covered in shame
all of the orphans, be loosed from the chains
come, come, come, be found by the Father
let His radiance burn away your shame.
run, run, run into His shelter
immerse your heart
come and find rest, rest for your souls
come and find peace
peace like you've never known.

and my toils...it just makes me call out for home.
and this journey is my own.