my heart

i have always been an emotional person.
i was labeled "the cry-baby" very early in life...but that was usually because i wasn't getting something that i wanted.
i feel things deeply, hope for things deeply, and cry easily.
until a handful of years ago.

i remember my mother saying (and chris a short time later)that crying doesn't solve the problem. and after that, i understood that maybe it hurt them too much, or it was too much for them to handle, when they saw me cry.
now, whether i'm talking with them about hard situations or even sitting next to them in a sappy tear-jerker of a movie, i hold it back.
i don't cry to solve problems. i don't cry to get out of situations.

but it's because of my heart. my heart is so overwhelmed (whether it be by joy, pain, confusion, frustration)that there is no other outlet. i hear a song that identifies with a situation in my life, and i lose it. it is my physical relief.

when katie died, i didn't cry instantly. and i don't remember exactly when it finally all poured out. but i remember my body feeling like it was pent up and needed to release. but i wouldn't let myself. maybe it was because i knew that once i cried i would know she was gone. and i just wasn't ready.

needless to say, there is a lot on my heart right now. things that i thought i had dealt with are coming back double, and i don't know what to do with myself.

maybe i should just move to ireland. they get to keen there...