well, yesterday i got my first two checks from GAP. i am beginning to feel a little adult-like...now i just need to get a couple other big situations taken care of, and i'll be on my way.
i've been looking at a lot of grad schools lately, because i've finally had good chunks of time to devote to the searching...amazingly enough, i could be returning to the roots...to oklahoma city university. it's only 30 dollars to apply. so i think i'm going to look into it. it's scary...and exciting...and it would be really fun to be with chris and experience all these things. we've kind of been questioning if we were to live together...because it's been so difficult lately. but the past few days, dave has pretty much let me live in his room, since he's left for the holidays...and it's been a lot easier. in every sense of the word. it makes future plans look a lot easier. we'll see, we'll see. i'm going to keep looking, but i'll keep you updated...
11.29.2006
11.28.2006
i carry it in my heart...
so, i recently watched the movie IN HER SHOES, with toni collette and cameron diaz and shirley macclaine.
and at the end of the movie, cameron's character reads to her sister a poem by e.e. cummings called "i carry your heart".
it's a beautiful, beautiful poem. one that carries great meaning for me.
my freshman year, i sang a song by john duke, where he had adapted that poem into song. and it still remains one of my faves. and i would always sing it to katie to put her to sleep. and i remember singing it to her twice the night before she died...because she said she wanted to hear me sing those words to her until her world stopped spinning.
needless to say, i completely bawled at the end of the movie. i mean, i came completely unglued. i don't know that i'll ever be completely healed from my experience my freshman year. and maybe i'm not supposed to be. because maybe that means letting go of the impact she had on my life, and of her memory. and i definitely don't want that to happen. ever.
but, so you can see the beauty of the poem, here it is for you: (if only i had the song to put in here...*sigh*...absolutely beautiful.)
i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it
anywhere i go, you go, my dear
and whatever is done by me is your doing, my darling
i fear no fate for you are my fate, my sweet
i want no world for, beautiful, you are my world, my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart:
i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart
man, he surely knew what he was talking about. cummings said everything perfectly. i miss katie. but i was blessed beyond measure just having the chance of loving her...
and at the end of the movie, cameron's character reads to her sister a poem by e.e. cummings called "i carry your heart".
it's a beautiful, beautiful poem. one that carries great meaning for me.
my freshman year, i sang a song by john duke, where he had adapted that poem into song. and it still remains one of my faves. and i would always sing it to katie to put her to sleep. and i remember singing it to her twice the night before she died...because she said she wanted to hear me sing those words to her until her world stopped spinning.
needless to say, i completely bawled at the end of the movie. i mean, i came completely unglued. i don't know that i'll ever be completely healed from my experience my freshman year. and maybe i'm not supposed to be. because maybe that means letting go of the impact she had on my life, and of her memory. and i definitely don't want that to happen. ever.
but, so you can see the beauty of the poem, here it is for you: (if only i had the song to put in here...*sigh*...absolutely beautiful.)
i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it
anywhere i go, you go, my dear
and whatever is done by me is your doing, my darling
i fear no fate for you are my fate, my sweet
i want no world for, beautiful, you are my world, my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart:
i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart
man, he surely knew what he was talking about. cummings said everything perfectly. i miss katie. but i was blessed beyond measure just having the chance of loving her...
on this winter's night with you...
i love the winter. it's coming quickly, but we definitely haven't experienced the artic blasts yet.
however, reports and studies have shown that people tend to kill themselves more often in the winter...because it's a melancholy and highly depressed time of the year. people can't buy presents for their children for christmas. they have no one to kiss on the new year. people are grieving the awful departure of friends and loved ones that they've lost.
today i came to learn that something happened with the payment of my cingular bill and therefore, my service was temporarily disconnected (it still may be; i don't have my phone with me at this time)...and so i called my mom with chris's phone.
and she had been worried about me. because GAP had called her about me missing work (PURELY accidental), and then i was busy yesterday and didn't return her call...and then today she tried to call me on her lunch hour only to hear my phone say that i wouldn't be accepting phone calls at this time...so, she thought i was in trouble because i was susceptible to bouts of depression "like my father", she said. and it just made me stop and take a look at my life.
do i really seem THAT unhappy? true, i hate transition. and i hate not being able to provide for myself. true, i've been having a rough time with friends (or lack thereof), and there are a lot of things that i've been trying to better in myself. which inevitably makes me worse at first.
but i am happy. i think happiness is a mindset. your attitude is everything. i don't hate everything. i do what i can to the best of my ability. all these things that i have trouble with right now...will pass.
yes, i'm alone. i'm a singleton. but i don't think that's the worst thing for me. right now, though i hate to admit it, i think it's the BEST thing for me. how can i work on the things in my life without first grabbing onto God with my everything...and then letting someone else grab on to me?
so, sure. things aren't the greatest. but i love the coming winter. because of the peace it brings. because of the lights that shine in the darkness.
however, reports and studies have shown that people tend to kill themselves more often in the winter...because it's a melancholy and highly depressed time of the year. people can't buy presents for their children for christmas. they have no one to kiss on the new year. people are grieving the awful departure of friends and loved ones that they've lost.
today i came to learn that something happened with the payment of my cingular bill and therefore, my service was temporarily disconnected (it still may be; i don't have my phone with me at this time)...and so i called my mom with chris's phone.
and she had been worried about me. because GAP had called her about me missing work (PURELY accidental), and then i was busy yesterday and didn't return her call...and then today she tried to call me on her lunch hour only to hear my phone say that i wouldn't be accepting phone calls at this time...so, she thought i was in trouble because i was susceptible to bouts of depression "like my father", she said. and it just made me stop and take a look at my life.
do i really seem THAT unhappy? true, i hate transition. and i hate not being able to provide for myself. true, i've been having a rough time with friends (or lack thereof), and there are a lot of things that i've been trying to better in myself. which inevitably makes me worse at first.
but i am happy. i think happiness is a mindset. your attitude is everything. i don't hate everything. i do what i can to the best of my ability. all these things that i have trouble with right now...will pass.
yes, i'm alone. i'm a singleton. but i don't think that's the worst thing for me. right now, though i hate to admit it, i think it's the BEST thing for me. how can i work on the things in my life without first grabbing onto God with my everything...and then letting someone else grab on to me?
so, sure. things aren't the greatest. but i love the coming winter. because of the peace it brings. because of the lights that shine in the darkness.
11.27.2006
"EFE YOU! EFE YOU!"
well, chris is working on his spanish. haha, he really likes it. nope. not at all. but man, it's laugbable.
chris:"a head dress? no, ajedrez."
chris:"me gusta tocar el verana. verana...isn't that window?" me:"no. ventana. ventana is window. and veranO is summer."
hahahahaha
chris:"me gusta picar...how do you say 'glass'? no...me gusta picar el gato."
chris:"a head dress? no, ajedrez."
chris:"me gusta tocar el verana. verana...isn't that window?" me:"no. ventana. ventana is window. and veranO is summer."
hahahahaha
chris:"me gusta picar...how do you say 'glass'? no...me gusta picar el gato."
i love you just the way you are...
oh, billy joel. you know exactly how i feel...
tonight has been a good night with chris. when we click, we really connect. and i love it. we have laughed more in the past few hours than we have in a long time. and a lot is because of the intensity of our conversation last night. i think we finally see each other without our halos. or at least, without MY halo. i'm imperfect; he's neither spiteful nor neglectful. we're both just trying to live the best way we can. he really is a terrific friend. i know i've said these things before. but it always rings true.
i guess that's really everything.
i don't want chris to change.
i want him to forever be my friend.
i love 'im...
tonight has been a good night with chris. when we click, we really connect. and i love it. we have laughed more in the past few hours than we have in a long time. and a lot is because of the intensity of our conversation last night. i think we finally see each other without our halos. or at least, without MY halo. i'm imperfect; he's neither spiteful nor neglectful. we're both just trying to live the best way we can. he really is a terrific friend. i know i've said these things before. but it always rings true.
i guess that's really everything.
i don't want chris to change.
i want him to forever be my friend.
i love 'im...
11.26.2006
my, how i've learned...
i remember when i was younger, thinking how i knew it all, that there could be very little that i still had to learn. i can't even imagine what a pain i was to my mother and my brother. last night i learned more about myself...well, really, this entire WEEKEND i've learned more about myself...than i have in my entire lifetime. i see what i can do under pressure. i have seen what happens to me when i'm longing for attention and to be heard.
for the most part, i like who i've become. but there are a few areas that seriously need work.
i have always thought i was a great friend. and i think that, for the most part, i am. but what happens when my codependency takes over? it's like i hone in all my special powers of manipulation, but paint them over with smiles, trying to disguise my treachery even to myself! and the sad thing...i usually succeed. but last night, i did not. and i hurt myself in the process.
i have never thought i was one to take things too seriously, or too far. but last night, i did. i'm not a serious person, and i'm never out to hurt anyone. but when i get the best of myself, i swing completely out of control and beat myself until i can barely see straight and then i take people down with me.
i know there are no specifics with this; maybe i'll elaborate later.
all i know is this: God is filled with grace and mercy. but He is also filled with wrath. i am not one who should assume that i get all the grace and someone else gets all the wrath. i've never been ignorant, so why start now? i know God loves me. but hasn't loved my actions as of late. i need to get myself into a routine that is honoring and pleasing to the both of us.
another thing i know: i have one of the most tortured souls as my best friend. and i love him unconditionally. he is by far one of the most trusting and most beautiful creatures i have EVER been allowed to keep. God, thank you for my imperfect friend. he teaches me every day a little more about You...
for the most part, i like who i've become. but there are a few areas that seriously need work.
i have always thought i was a great friend. and i think that, for the most part, i am. but what happens when my codependency takes over? it's like i hone in all my special powers of manipulation, but paint them over with smiles, trying to disguise my treachery even to myself! and the sad thing...i usually succeed. but last night, i did not. and i hurt myself in the process.
i have never thought i was one to take things too seriously, or too far. but last night, i did. i'm not a serious person, and i'm never out to hurt anyone. but when i get the best of myself, i swing completely out of control and beat myself until i can barely see straight and then i take people down with me.
i know there are no specifics with this; maybe i'll elaborate later.
all i know is this: God is filled with grace and mercy. but He is also filled with wrath. i am not one who should assume that i get all the grace and someone else gets all the wrath. i've never been ignorant, so why start now? i know God loves me. but hasn't loved my actions as of late. i need to get myself into a routine that is honoring and pleasing to the both of us.
another thing i know: i have one of the most tortured souls as my best friend. and i love him unconditionally. he is by far one of the most trusting and most beautiful creatures i have EVER been allowed to keep. God, thank you for my imperfect friend. he teaches me every day a little more about You...
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