my, how i've learned...

i remember when i was younger, thinking how i knew it all, that there could be very little that i still had to learn. i can't even imagine what a pain i was to my mother and my brother. last night i learned more about myself...well, really, this entire WEEKEND i've learned more about myself...than i have in my entire lifetime. i see what i can do under pressure. i have seen what happens to me when i'm longing for attention and to be heard.
for the most part, i like who i've become. but there are a few areas that seriously need work.
i have always thought i was a great friend. and i think that, for the most part, i am. but what happens when my codependency takes over? it's like i hone in all my special powers of manipulation, but paint them over with smiles, trying to disguise my treachery even to myself! and the sad thing...i usually succeed. but last night, i did not. and i hurt myself in the process.
i have never thought i was one to take things too seriously, or too far. but last night, i did. i'm not a serious person, and i'm never out to hurt anyone. but when i get the best of myself, i swing completely out of control and beat myself until i can barely see straight and then i take people down with me.
i know there are no specifics with this; maybe i'll elaborate later.
all i know is this: God is filled with grace and mercy. but He is also filled with wrath. i am not one who should assume that i get all the grace and someone else gets all the wrath. i've never been ignorant, so why start now? i know God loves me. but hasn't loved my actions as of late. i need to get myself into a routine that is honoring and pleasing to the both of us.
another thing i know: i have one of the most tortured souls as my best friend. and i love him unconditionally. he is by far one of the most trusting and most beautiful creatures i have EVER been allowed to keep. God, thank you for my imperfect friend. he teaches me every day a little more about You...