time.

tick-tock goes the clock in my life.
i haven't done a great many things.
and i haven't really done great things.
but i wish to.
i was just thinking about how i haven't seen things that i wish to see.
i haven't even had a vacation in longer than a year...i've been working and working since i got my wells fargo job. i haven't had more than 2 days off at a time. this i find to be ridiculous. am i waiting for someone to schedule a vacation FOR me? apparently, yes.
i'm sitting here, seeing where all my friends are now, where they may be going, all the things that are constantly changing in their lives, lives filled with excitement.
and then here i am, sitting in my desolate fort wayne apartment, taking my next "adventurous" step to carmel, indiana. have i not said that i'm NOT a fan of indiana? i make plans that never come to fruition, and then i sit here make ridiculously depressing posts about how i wish, how i hope, how i want.
i have this poem that i wrote the very day before katie died, talking about the sound of the african drum and the pulling of my heartstrings to a foreign world.

i'm pretty sure i just make things a lot harder than necessary. i used to not be that way. i used to not think all the time. i used to be a little kid. why do i need an apartment, a car and insurance payment, a cell phone...
and it all boils down to time. and what is most important.
i want to experience life, not just watch it slip past.

child-likeness

so, today after work, like any other day when i want to treat myself, i stopped into starbucks, a)to get out of the unrelenting heat and b)to get a delicious mocha frappuccino. as i was enjoying the cool of their chilled ac, i heard a little child whimpering in his stroller. i didn't need to look at the menu because i knew exactly what i wanted, so i searched for the anxious toddler. and of course this was just an ordinary child, maybe 2 years old. and his mother was standing at the back of the stroller, looking up at what to order, not leaving the child alone, but out of his sight line. and he continued whimpering, looking around, making hard lefts and rights in his seat. and then his mother came up beside him, ready to order; and he saw just a small piece of the hem in her pants, and he quieted instantly.
now usually i wouldn't think much about this, but because everything in my life right now is in upheaval, it really grabbed my attention. i am that little child, wishing that i could just get a glimpse of God's hem in the corner of my eye, wishing i could see Him, have Him right beside me, comforting me, within hug's reach. but the whole time, right now, He's right behind me. He's making sure i'm ok, even though i am looking hard left and right and can't see Him at this very second. He's not going to steer me in the wrong direction. i just have to trust and hold my heart like that of a child.

looking out on the morning rain...

it's a sunday. early. it's 5:01 am. my sleeping pattern is officially set to being very late. if that even makes any sense. probably not.
but i'm listening to aretha and she just always makes me happy.
lack of sleep can make you really crazy. emotionally, physically, spellingly.
i act before i think, and i type before i think. basically everything happens before i think. like right now, everything i'm typing is mumbo-jumbo. it is unneeded blather.

i'm being transferred to jefferson pointe. this is a prayer answered at just the right time. yes, God knows how to work his magic charm. :-)
it'll be sad to leave, but my store manager barb has already been transferred so, besides all the associates, there's really no reason to stay, you know?

and there's only one month left on our lease. it's crazy to think of what one year has done for me. hopefully more good than bad but i haven't really assessed everything.

i hate being bored. so you would think i would just go to bed instead of staying up in my restless misery. bleh. but here i am...

"dooooo you love me...as i love you..."

i'm listening to "in the still of the night" from DELOVELY as the rain patters consistently upon my window.

"in the still of the night as i gaze from my window at the moon in its flight my thoughts all stray to you.
in the still of the night all the world is in slumber...all the times without number darling when i say to you:
do you love me as i love you?
are you my life, to be my dream come true?
or will this dream of mine fade out of sight like the moon growing dim on the rim of the hill in the chill still of the night?"

i have these thoughts a lot.
i was listening to this program on NPR about how when you love someone close to you (nonromantically), if you're doing your job they end up not needing to lean on you but learning to lean on themselves. this probably should be comforting, but i think since i suffer from codependency, it's like experiencing an identity crisis.

yeah.

i need to work on this...

in all these things, love...

i don't even know where to start. the beginning is too long ago, and the present is too confusing and complicated. all i know is that i thought everything was fine a few days ago and now it kind of feels like my heart has been turned upside down.
i was told a few days ago that i think more than i feel. i didn't think that was a bad thing really. but then someone told me that it was bad if i blocked emotion because my thought said it was irrational to emote. anything.

and as soon as i decided to let my thinking slip away, i realized, i FELT, how much i have been trying to disguise. i watched MADE OF HONOR, after being in the mood to watch MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING. and i just started sobbing. it was like when chris and i went to see BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN and afterwords we had to pull over because he was inconsolable. it feels physically as though my heart is enlarged and sitting on top of my trachea, disallowing any air to pass through. the thing is that none of these thoughts/feelings are more than just that. feelings. thoughts. nothing confirmed in my heart. but i just feel so tired. so heavy. i'm not depressed. but i've never felt so confused.

what does all this rubbish have to do with? well, what else can make one so crazy, but love? or the detection of love? the comings and goings and ups and downs...

so often i mistake infatuation and love. and i search for love in all the wrong places. my expectations are invariably crushed when things just were not made to be by God. and since i feel well-endowed with wisdom, i find myself just blocking off or bottling up emotions, thinking they'll dissipate. and i don't think i've ever really known true love. true love from the opposite sex. and i think subconsciously i'm always waiting for that one person to come and find me and be completely enamored with me. well, i'm almost 25 and the chances are continuing to grow dim. not being pessimistic, but realistic.

i often tell myself that i'm not ready, and that God knows that. but i'm wondering if that's just a spell i place on myself so as to not have to try. to not break out of my shell and actually do something when a man advances. telling myself they're not "the one".

alllllll this to start this ridiculous story. i shall try to be completely honest with myself. this will be an amazing feat.
i have known and loved you for...roughly five years. and this love has taken on many forms. i have been the damsel, the mother, the hopefully twitterpated, but the one that has stuck...the best friend. or maybe, the family. and as i type this, i am overjoyed to think of myself as your family. to think of the love that is shared between a brother and sister. but there is a part of me that still holds on to the time of when i first loved you, seeing you as a man with so much to give someone. hoping that i would be that someone, that you would see something in me that was unlike any other. that you would want to hold on to me forever as i want to hold on to you. but so many times i see how i'm dispensable. as you have traveled through many relationships. and i think to myself how much better i could treat you, that i know how to cherish you. and that if you would just look you would see that i would take care of you. better than anyone else.
but you will always want more. and sometimes, without thinking it through, i get so angry because i fear i will one day watch you walk away from me and leave me feeling empty. a part of me is defined with you at my side. and in those moments when i ask you questions about what you're doing, who you're talking to, there's a feeling of despair that creeps up and begins to strangle the air that i breathe.
you're going to leave. i must accept this.
i look at myself in the mirror when i'm alone, trying to find what it is i'm longing for. there is a place you can't fill. i avoid talking about relationships you have or intimacy because it just hurts too much. i never tell you all of this because you will begin treating me differently, thinking i'm infatuated or in love with you. this is by no means the case. i don't wish for you to be sensitive to my "fragile feelings" or think that i swoon every time i see you.
however, every time i do see you, i feel incredibly lucky to have you in my life. it's in my weak moments when i find myself growing desperate or jealous or envious. and then i feel the greatest amount of shame because i love you so much and hate that these human atrocities find their way into my heart.
i know i have found something special with you. that's why in the times when you expect me to leave you, i feel the same way about you. that this is all just too good to be true and that all these growing pains will be for naught and you'll be yet another man to gain my heart and then to walk out.
chris, you are my family. what's more, you're my CHOSEN family. and this has been the very thing i haven't known how to share with you. so many times we share the very same insecurities and emotions but there's something that keeps us from sharing with each other.
i think this all hit me due to the fact that i haven't been home a lot lately. and i miss you when i'm away. i can always count on you to make me feel comfortable and welcome. and you always understand.
i know it hasn't been easy, and i know sometimes we both have wanted out. but what we have, so many wait for their whole lives.

i find myself clearing things up in my head every time i write. this time is no exception. it makes a lot of my past actions make sense. i can remember when my mother was dating adel and how much it took out of me to be nice to him. it's because i didn't want her to get hurt again. and this applies to you and your relationships. i'm always waiting for someone to hurt you and so i get so angry when you get into these premature relationships. because i know no matter what you do, no matter who you are or how you act, i will always love you. and nothing can change that. but there are some relationships where i know they only love you because of how you present yourself or because of how you look. but the last one presented a problem because it was as though i was watching myself in a relationship with you. same thoughts, same actions. same devotion. this was a threat to my friendship with you. i thought this relationship would be separation; and at times it did. but it also put me in my place and helped me understand where i am meant to be for you. thought it was hard to watch, it showed me how to be a better friend.

i just want us to be together forever. i want us to always be each other's accountability. i want nothing, no one to separate us. i think you're just too important to let go.

through all these hard times, this past year and even before, you have taught me about love. what to look for, what is possible.
this brings me back to both movies mentioned above.
there are a couple lines in MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING:
julia roberts, talking about her love life, says that she's never been in a substantial relationship because they don't compare to the one she's measured everyone against. nothing has come close to comparing to you.
and then after she chases cameron diaz's character away and confesses how awful she feels, dermot mulroney's character says "but thank you. for loving me so much."

and this is just a time when it's too overwhelming to talk about it.
sorry to worry you so much. just too many thoughts to talk all at once. they needed to be put down on a canvas...

parenting 101

today is sunday. church day.
i have heard more cursing today outside my window than i have heard in a looong time. sure, this is depressing, but what's more: the cussing is coming from kids. little ones. maybe 10 or 11 at most. at first, it made me really angry, but now i'm just at a loss. it made me wonder where everything goes wrong. what second was the parent not looking? when did they blink and miss their child going off in this direction? i mean, this is also supposing that the parents actually nurture their children. sure, mistakes are left to be made as always, but my brother and i turned out alright for the most part. maybe it's in our genes?

yesterday when i was working this mid-40s man came in wheeling around a stroller like a crazy person, entertaining the heck out of this little boy. (yesterday was the day for happy babies. we had at least 6 in there throughout my shift.) it was a grandfather with his grandson, just out and about for the day, gramma searching around good ol' AE for the deals. i talked with him about church and parenting and grandparenting, and he made me understand what it's like to be a parent, struggling to bring the kids up right.
then i think about my mom. having to support 2 kids all by herself, never getting to buy nice things for herself, struggling so hard to make it from paycheck to paycheck. how on earth did she do it? i think about myself now, and how i struggle just by my own little self! she had 2 children. wow.

then last night chris and i went to see BABY MAMA with tina fey and amy poehler. SOO funny, and again made me ponder parenthood.

i think i have it in me to be a terrific mother. but right now i'm fully aware that i'm completely unprepared and too selfish to be even considering the complexitites and wonder of children. sorry, mom. no grandkids from me for QUITE a while.

i ought to be in bed...

so, i have a lot of things to say and hopefully i can keep them all in this one post and remember them all. hopefully, hopefully. plus it's late and i'm pretty drowsy so there's no telling what may befall this little space.

okay, for starters, some quotes i've come across in the past week:

"love is not a feeling; it's an ability."
"i've realized that in all the great stories, even if there's a happily-ever-after ending, there's something sad."

the first quote is from the movie DAN IN REAL LIFE and the second is from the amazingly talented emma thompson. i just think that, though they're very simple thoughts, they're also very insightful.

also, as i was rummaging through my iTunes, i noticed that there were a lot of songs that talk about "home"...it seems that everyone has something to say about home...possibly because it's something that everyone knows something about. whether good or bad, it's still a definite fixture in life. everyone has a home.

i need to write hayley a letter this week so that it gets to her before the school year is finished. and i need to give her dawson's creek back to her. :-)

i have discovered that i am an endomorph, meaning that my body has one of the lowest metabolic rates, but that i have the highest potential to lose weight quickly and easily and to become healthy at a steady pace. i am to stay away from simple carbs (candies, sweet fruits, juices) and breads and pasta. wow...good thing my favorite fast food pit stops does not include panera....

i've been sick pretty much this entire week with an illness that chris bequeathed unto me. it started with a nasty headache and trickled on down into my lungs where it has set up camp. i am not happy about this. but i've been sharing my bed with my good friend mr. vick's vapo-rub while listening to the newly purchased sounds of the ocean waves (thanks to chris). i'm listening to the waves right now, and if i close my eyes, i actually feel like i'm sleeping by the ocean's shore.

i inherited the most unhealthy feet from my mother. i have smothered my heels in vaseline and covered them with socks in an effort to make my heels stop cracking. it is utterly painful, and i hate summertime because i just want to run around barefoot.

i don't know who deserves my vote. obviously it will be one of the democratic candidates. i've been talking with a few people i work with and they all have differing opinions. i've heard gret things about both candidates and of course they both have differing strengths and weaknesses. chris says he's an obama-mama. and i can support that. i think maybe i am too. i just know that hillary has a lot of great ideas, you know?

oh, and here's a good ponderful thought....let's talk about sex, baby.
i am so...blown away by sex. as everyone in the english-speaking world knows, i have never had this beautiful experience yet. yes, and i am almost 25. and i'm okay with this. because i don't know what i'm missing, which is what all the "well-rounded" folks say. i just think of how much trouble i've seen it cause when done outside the confines of marriage. people have been hurt, had pregnancy scares, infections...addictions. then i think about all those who have discussed their sex lives with me, and it just keeps cycling over and over in my head "they have sex, they havesex,theyhavesex........" this is not continuous, but when sex is brought into conversation, i really never have much to say...it is still a mystery. i'm an "innocent" as some would like to say.

i know there's more. i've had a whole week's worth of thoughts. but i guess if this is all i can remember, i'll be okay with that.