in all these things, love...

i don't even know where to start. the beginning is too long ago, and the present is too confusing and complicated. all i know is that i thought everything was fine a few days ago and now it kind of feels like my heart has been turned upside down.
i was told a few days ago that i think more than i feel. i didn't think that was a bad thing really. but then someone told me that it was bad if i blocked emotion because my thought said it was irrational to emote. anything.

and as soon as i decided to let my thinking slip away, i realized, i FELT, how much i have been trying to disguise. i watched MADE OF HONOR, after being in the mood to watch MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING. and i just started sobbing. it was like when chris and i went to see BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN and afterwords we had to pull over because he was inconsolable. it feels physically as though my heart is enlarged and sitting on top of my trachea, disallowing any air to pass through. the thing is that none of these thoughts/feelings are more than just that. feelings. thoughts. nothing confirmed in my heart. but i just feel so tired. so heavy. i'm not depressed. but i've never felt so confused.

what does all this rubbish have to do with? well, what else can make one so crazy, but love? or the detection of love? the comings and goings and ups and downs...

so often i mistake infatuation and love. and i search for love in all the wrong places. my expectations are invariably crushed when things just were not made to be by God. and since i feel well-endowed with wisdom, i find myself just blocking off or bottling up emotions, thinking they'll dissipate. and i don't think i've ever really known true love. true love from the opposite sex. and i think subconsciously i'm always waiting for that one person to come and find me and be completely enamored with me. well, i'm almost 25 and the chances are continuing to grow dim. not being pessimistic, but realistic.

i often tell myself that i'm not ready, and that God knows that. but i'm wondering if that's just a spell i place on myself so as to not have to try. to not break out of my shell and actually do something when a man advances. telling myself they're not "the one".

alllllll this to start this ridiculous story. i shall try to be completely honest with myself. this will be an amazing feat.
i have known and loved you for...roughly five years. and this love has taken on many forms. i have been the damsel, the mother, the hopefully twitterpated, but the one that has stuck...the best friend. or maybe, the family. and as i type this, i am overjoyed to think of myself as your family. to think of the love that is shared between a brother and sister. but there is a part of me that still holds on to the time of when i first loved you, seeing you as a man with so much to give someone. hoping that i would be that someone, that you would see something in me that was unlike any other. that you would want to hold on to me forever as i want to hold on to you. but so many times i see how i'm dispensable. as you have traveled through many relationships. and i think to myself how much better i could treat you, that i know how to cherish you. and that if you would just look you would see that i would take care of you. better than anyone else.
but you will always want more. and sometimes, without thinking it through, i get so angry because i fear i will one day watch you walk away from me and leave me feeling empty. a part of me is defined with you at my side. and in those moments when i ask you questions about what you're doing, who you're talking to, there's a feeling of despair that creeps up and begins to strangle the air that i breathe.
you're going to leave. i must accept this.
i look at myself in the mirror when i'm alone, trying to find what it is i'm longing for. there is a place you can't fill. i avoid talking about relationships you have or intimacy because it just hurts too much. i never tell you all of this because you will begin treating me differently, thinking i'm infatuated or in love with you. this is by no means the case. i don't wish for you to be sensitive to my "fragile feelings" or think that i swoon every time i see you.
however, every time i do see you, i feel incredibly lucky to have you in my life. it's in my weak moments when i find myself growing desperate or jealous or envious. and then i feel the greatest amount of shame because i love you so much and hate that these human atrocities find their way into my heart.
i know i have found something special with you. that's why in the times when you expect me to leave you, i feel the same way about you. that this is all just too good to be true and that all these growing pains will be for naught and you'll be yet another man to gain my heart and then to walk out.
chris, you are my family. what's more, you're my CHOSEN family. and this has been the very thing i haven't known how to share with you. so many times we share the very same insecurities and emotions but there's something that keeps us from sharing with each other.
i think this all hit me due to the fact that i haven't been home a lot lately. and i miss you when i'm away. i can always count on you to make me feel comfortable and welcome. and you always understand.
i know it hasn't been easy, and i know sometimes we both have wanted out. but what we have, so many wait for their whole lives.

i find myself clearing things up in my head every time i write. this time is no exception. it makes a lot of my past actions make sense. i can remember when my mother was dating adel and how much it took out of me to be nice to him. it's because i didn't want her to get hurt again. and this applies to you and your relationships. i'm always waiting for someone to hurt you and so i get so angry when you get into these premature relationships. because i know no matter what you do, no matter who you are or how you act, i will always love you. and nothing can change that. but there are some relationships where i know they only love you because of how you present yourself or because of how you look. but the last one presented a problem because it was as though i was watching myself in a relationship with you. same thoughts, same actions. same devotion. this was a threat to my friendship with you. i thought this relationship would be separation; and at times it did. but it also put me in my place and helped me understand where i am meant to be for you. thought it was hard to watch, it showed me how to be a better friend.

i just want us to be together forever. i want us to always be each other's accountability. i want nothing, no one to separate us. i think you're just too important to let go.

through all these hard times, this past year and even before, you have taught me about love. what to look for, what is possible.
this brings me back to both movies mentioned above.
there are a couple lines in MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING:
julia roberts, talking about her love life, says that she's never been in a substantial relationship because they don't compare to the one she's measured everyone against. nothing has come close to comparing to you.
and then after she chases cameron diaz's character away and confesses how awful she feels, dermot mulroney's character says "but thank you. for loving me so much."

and this is just a time when it's too overwhelming to talk about it.
sorry to worry you so much. just too many thoughts to talk all at once. they needed to be put down on a canvas...