things that make me laugh (and other stuff)

while in the mall's bathroom: hearing that, in fact, celine's heart will go on while someone "sinks their own ship"...hahah, kinda gross, but somehow really funny to me!

hearing a little girl yell "poopy in the pants!" while a WASPish woman tries desperately to silence her before she is found to have an improprietous daughter! *gasp!*

and i was slightly comforted that as i was leaving tonight, celine was again on the radio singing. i started and ended my day with her. celine is always there for you. man oh man.

tonight i had an all-staff meeting for the holiday. i felt good because i knew almost all the answers in our little game we played about product knowledge. tomorrow is day one on the job. i'm nervous, but tonight was a good ice-breaker. i don't know. i just don't know where i belong right now. i think i'm gonna have a problem with one of the girls. i'm hoping that everything plays out so that it's all good, but i can't be too sure. i hope, i hope.
tomorrow morning i have to be there at 8 for a manager meeting and then i think i'll be out of there (hopefully) by 5. i guess i'm just gonna have to get used to being consumed by the job. but if i enjoy my job, i don't think it'll be bad. after working at WF i'm just apprehensive about not enjoying my job. and i know that as soon as i see that first paycheck it'll all be good!

well, it's late, and i need some sleep so i don't fall asleep at the wheel tomorrow. by the way, it takes half a tank to get from here to there and back home again. and right now, that equals almost 15 dollars a day. yikes. it'll all work out. i just need my paycheck.

my perfect guy

i've been thinking about this a lot lately, finding the perfect guy. i think about what it must be like to have God just throw someone in my lap. and maybe it'll happen and i'm just not ready for it right now, which for the most part i would completely agree. but then i think about, what do i do in those situations where i just want to hold on to someone? where i want someone to cuddle with where i know my heart is being cared for and held onto tightly so that i won't go away? someone who will cherish me in spite of all the faults i see within myself? where is this guy?
i found a bit of my old "boy crazy" self this past week during training (of all times). my trainer was very much the same as the first boy i ever "loved", whose first name graced the pages of my very first diary. i knew for certain he was my perfect guy.
it's funny to think about those old days of sixth grade. i was more brave then than i am today. and it may be because of the infamous heartbreak day in sixth grade.
i had loved michael (funny, because that was the name of my trainer as well!) since we shared polly-wogs while at the library in kindergarten. we had shared cubbies, been in two lil' grade school musicals together, and competed academically in everything. and then somehow, i mustered up the courage to write him a letter. but mine was not the ordinary "do you like me?-circle yes or no or MAYBE" letter. i just told him every thing i had ever thought or felt and how i didn't know the best way to tell him to his face, how i didn't want him to hate me, and how if he didn't like me, not to tell me, but to just act like this letter never happened and to keep being my friend. well, he did his best to keep it to himself. but his friends didn't. i was taunted and humiliated and degraded. i was laughed at and told that i would never have a chance with someone like michael and that i should just go eat some more. middle schoolers are cruel. and michael and i never really spoke much again ever.
now, i know that was...thirteen years ago, but maybe since i have a partially romantic brain of a 12-year-old, i just can't get past that taste of rejection. i was completely alone and no one understood. i continued to like him even though i didn't want to, and even now, i think about him from time to time, hoping his life has been good to him and just wondering where he is.

then there is the grown-up in me, who has had many guys come and go because of two reasons: 1) i don't think he's good enough or 2) i don't think i'm good enough. and i guess that's what dating all boils down to. the first couple of dates, you're both trying to grab hold of something meaningful and fulfilling, and sometimes you're just so worried about being liked that you forget to enjoy the experience! therefore, i do not date. but i watch, and i shop and look around for things that would make up my perfect guy. yes, i will openly admit that i am a coward. and maybe someday that will change. when i meet someone who makes me feel crazy and in love and overwhelmed in God's goodness. then maybe i'll have gained the courage to tell that guy just how he makes me feel. but until then, these are the things i look for:

*he's genuine.
*he's faithful.
*he understands the need for God in his life, even if he struggles with that need.
*he's open-minded and liberal.
*he's confident in himself and in me.
*he's encouraging.
*he values my company.
*he's independent and doesn't mind that i'm the same.
*he has telling eyes and a smile that blows my mind.
*he knows how to make me laugh but knows when to be serious.
*he's a good conversationalist and has opinions that he likes to share.
*he's not afraid to be vulnerable.
*he's not easily jealous.
*he understands the importance music has in my life.
*he would enjoy dancing in the middle of our house to ella or eva or billie.
*he would want to share a notebook kind of love.
*he would love his mom.
*he would love playing with my hair.
*he would allow me to love him unconditionally, and would appreciate my worrying over him sometimes. :-)
*he's gentle and compassionate and cares for things deeply in the same manner as me.

i don't know...there are just a lot of things. many, many more.
he's someone i would have to be attracted to spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally. and honestly there have been a few that have come close. but there's an unrelenting characteristic that just won't let go. and so i still wait. not so patiently sometimes, but i wait all the same. someday my prince will come...

the dreaded red monster and its accomplice, the white cotton pony

i'm a beast. and i'm an unpredictable beast. these are two things that should never happen. i try to be calm, and i tell myself that every time this period (ha. no pun intended) comes to play, i will change. i will conduct myself differently. but i think it's just safe to say that i should just seclude myself to associate only with myself. that way i don't blame anyone for my "hurt feelings" or my "bleeding heart" or feeling like no one cares or listens and last, but CERTAINLY not least, my lack of substantial male relationships. i get all hormonal and crazy and pissed off and dramatic...it's just not a pretty sight.
today chris and i got home from our week of carmel training and we have two days off until we jump into our first week. i think it was a good day to end on, seeing that mike our trainer was becoming unbearably attractive to me; those work situations are very hard to learn in. so, though it was sad, it was time. besides, he gave me a little love memento before our parting. GASP! sigh...
it's amazing the memories a certain shampoo can bring back. i found some FINESSE, which i'm pretty sure got recalled maybe a decade ago, but it was my favorite hair product. it was at kroger tonight when i went to find something that would treat my hair to some dignity and respect and there it was. made me so happy.
speeching of being so happy (yes, i said speeching), sara groves greeted me from the mail today. her newest CD that i pre-ordered was awaiting my turn and i'm just now getting ready to stick it in my computer for a listen.
i hope i can be patient and understanding this week. i'm trying to keep track of my actions. i don't want to mistreat people.
jack is snoring over on the couch. i've missed him greatly.
well, i guess this is a good time to just close up for awhile.
God, give me strength to resist the beast that lies within...

will&grace/chris&dana

i'm watching w&g right now....and it always gets me to thinking about my life. and chris's life. and the life we share together. in retrospect, i never thought i would have a best friend like chris. and i am thankful every day, which isn't always easy. but there's always some comfort or some laughter that i couldn't imagine my day without. we are each other's best friends and sometimes each other's worst enemies. we know how to annoy one another; we know which buttons we shouldn't push...but still do sometimes. but we also know when the other is hurting, when the other needs to be held onto a little more tightly. i always realize just how much i love him after a huge misunderstanding. i am reminded of how much i really do cherish his friendship.
i want us to grow alongside each other. to experience joys and sorrows. i want us to always be a will&grace sitcom. what we have is something that comes along once in a lifetime. and not for everyone. but just those who would need it most, understand it most. chris and i are among the lucky ones.

day one & the AE experience (and odds-n-ends of the weekend)

so, i really enjoyed today. it was a very FULL day of training. chris and i woke up at 6:30, arrived at the carmel location for training by 10 am, and set to work, completing our days around the 7:30pm area. it was amazing, and our trainer mike is wonderful, and i really enjoyed the customer service in the realm of retail. clothing stores are much more my niche than banks, that's for sure. and it was the coolest feeling to know i was learning how to be a manager. there were a few things i got lost on during all the expansive closing procedures, but a few more times and i'm sure i'll be on the ball.
it was so awful though; the one draw-back was that jack had to be in his cage ALL DAY! but he was super-excited to see us when we got home, and methinks he didn't hold anything against us. (he's snoring right now, by the way. what a cutie.)
chris and i had a nice heart-to-heart last night. i hope we can learn how to slowly respect each other's space. we're just so used to being so close and up in each other's business that our individuality was never even questioned. i don't know. i think we'll get better here soon.
ok, and happy halloween. no, i know it's not halloween yet, but man, do i have a story for you! chris and i went to a couple of haunting grounds on friday night. it was the creepiest (and craziest!) thing ever. the first was the main street bridge in downtown fort wayne where you're supposed to see a white-gowned lady walk around sometimes. i MAY have caught a glimpse of her, but we were so hopped up on our own irrational fears that i could have made that one up.
and then we went more north in fort wayne, off of dupont, to search for this valley in a road on griffin street where it is said that if you put your car in park at the base of this valley, an inexplicable force will push you up the hill. so, it is pitch black, not a light around and we're freaking out and feeding off of each other's wigging out, but we do it. we put the car in park in the deep of the valley. and we wait.
.........................................and i swear to you, there was a spirit that passed in front of the vehicle. days later it's hard to believe, but we know what we saw, even though we try to explain the phenomenon away by saying it was just a very definitive form of barb's exhaust...that came out of the woods?? needless to say i've had some really crazy dreams the last few nights. maybe tonight i'll have a more sound sleep! i still can't believe we actually did it. and apparently plans have already been made to go back when shaun comes here around thankgiving so we can "investigate". great. can't wait. sheesh.
i think that's a full update.
more to come soon hopefully...

bigger and better

i'm moving on. well, both chris and i are when it comes to jobs. while chris is getting promoted to be an american eagle manager, i got hired in as one. we'll both be starting out at kokomo and then chris will probably get moved back to the store in fort wayne. i hope my car's up for the drive. that's the only concern. but i helped with a floorset this past weekend and really enjoyed it. although my body is still recuping from it. it was really rewarding to see my work on display. :-)
you're now probably wondering what happened with my bank job at wells fargo. well, to put it plainly, i was tired of the unprofessional atmosphere and the continual disrespect. so this past saturday night, i went and dropped my keys off in the night drop along with the weight of the world that i had been carrying on my shoulders. now, i know that american eagle is not the perfect fit for me, but i know it will be a much better fit than a bank. i have to be able to live a little. and while the pay was nice, i'll be getting paid double for the same amount of work i did at the bank. i'll actually get paid my job's worth.
i think i start training in a week and i look forward to investing into a company that will invest themselves in me.
and there's something about a jewelry box that makes me feel like an adult. but the items it contains reminds me of my 12 year old style. :-) i'm not hatin' it.
now, i must go finish my book so i can move on to bigger and better things.

another man's shoes

continued faithfulness was too good to be true.
it hurts more than i care to share.
and then i think about how it must be in his shoes. how they must be so painful.
so heavy.
i could not bear to walk in them.
no matter how much shame or guilt i feel or heartache,
his soul must be filled with all these feelings.
what makes him do it?
what makes him hurt himself over and over again?
for just a few hours?
my heart is on fire yet my body is like ice.
i feel feverish all over, and i want to cry and i want to scream and punch.
i want to know everything and nothing.
and the room is spinning and things i believe in are worth naught.
people are people. not God.
people make mistake after mistake.
sex is cheapened to mean nothing more than selfishness.
gifts are made into manipulations.
i want to see life.
i want to feel hope.
i want to feel love.
and warmth and joy.
strength.
i want to rest in the arms of an angel.
if only for just a moment.
or maybe a few hours.
i want to understand.
i don't want to feel destitute.
i don't want to feel despair any longer.
i want to breathe fresh air.
i have chills all along my body.
it has gone cold. not even a blanket of warmth can give me back feeling.
and my heart is now cold. the last embers of joy are dwindling.
but there is always hope.
and i am so grateful that i do not walk miles in anyone's shoes but my own.
God, grant me strength, wisdom, understanding, peace, but most of all, above anything else, love and compassion.