my perfect guy

i've been thinking about this a lot lately, finding the perfect guy. i think about what it must be like to have God just throw someone in my lap. and maybe it'll happen and i'm just not ready for it right now, which for the most part i would completely agree. but then i think about, what do i do in those situations where i just want to hold on to someone? where i want someone to cuddle with where i know my heart is being cared for and held onto tightly so that i won't go away? someone who will cherish me in spite of all the faults i see within myself? where is this guy?
i found a bit of my old "boy crazy" self this past week during training (of all times). my trainer was very much the same as the first boy i ever "loved", whose first name graced the pages of my very first diary. i knew for certain he was my perfect guy.
it's funny to think about those old days of sixth grade. i was more brave then than i am today. and it may be because of the infamous heartbreak day in sixth grade.
i had loved michael (funny, because that was the name of my trainer as well!) since we shared polly-wogs while at the library in kindergarten. we had shared cubbies, been in two lil' grade school musicals together, and competed academically in everything. and then somehow, i mustered up the courage to write him a letter. but mine was not the ordinary "do you like me?-circle yes or no or MAYBE" letter. i just told him every thing i had ever thought or felt and how i didn't know the best way to tell him to his face, how i didn't want him to hate me, and how if he didn't like me, not to tell me, but to just act like this letter never happened and to keep being my friend. well, he did his best to keep it to himself. but his friends didn't. i was taunted and humiliated and degraded. i was laughed at and told that i would never have a chance with someone like michael and that i should just go eat some more. middle schoolers are cruel. and michael and i never really spoke much again ever.
now, i know that was...thirteen years ago, but maybe since i have a partially romantic brain of a 12-year-old, i just can't get past that taste of rejection. i was completely alone and no one understood. i continued to like him even though i didn't want to, and even now, i think about him from time to time, hoping his life has been good to him and just wondering where he is.

then there is the grown-up in me, who has had many guys come and go because of two reasons: 1) i don't think he's good enough or 2) i don't think i'm good enough. and i guess that's what dating all boils down to. the first couple of dates, you're both trying to grab hold of something meaningful and fulfilling, and sometimes you're just so worried about being liked that you forget to enjoy the experience! therefore, i do not date. but i watch, and i shop and look around for things that would make up my perfect guy. yes, i will openly admit that i am a coward. and maybe someday that will change. when i meet someone who makes me feel crazy and in love and overwhelmed in God's goodness. then maybe i'll have gained the courage to tell that guy just how he makes me feel. but until then, these are the things i look for:

*he's genuine.
*he's faithful.
*he understands the need for God in his life, even if he struggles with that need.
*he's open-minded and liberal.
*he's confident in himself and in me.
*he's encouraging.
*he values my company.
*he's independent and doesn't mind that i'm the same.
*he has telling eyes and a smile that blows my mind.
*he knows how to make me laugh but knows when to be serious.
*he's a good conversationalist and has opinions that he likes to share.
*he's not afraid to be vulnerable.
*he's not easily jealous.
*he understands the importance music has in my life.
*he would enjoy dancing in the middle of our house to ella or eva or billie.
*he would want to share a notebook kind of love.
*he would love his mom.
*he would love playing with my hair.
*he would allow me to love him unconditionally, and would appreciate my worrying over him sometimes. :-)
*he's gentle and compassionate and cares for things deeply in the same manner as me.

i don't know...there are just a lot of things. many, many more.
he's someone i would have to be attracted to spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally. and honestly there have been a few that have come close. but there's an unrelenting characteristic that just won't let go. and so i still wait. not so patiently sometimes, but i wait all the same. someday my prince will come...