an empty canvas

i realize even though time continues to pass, my life really has not begun. i say this because, though a bit naive, it produces a much better feeling, a more hopeful feeling, than to think that this is the life i have chosen to begin living. filled with no excitement. this is not how i was born to be. sure, i may not be doing exactly what i wish i was doing, but i have always been known to have a life filled with excitement. now i occupy myself with boredom and basically shoot myself in the foot. i'm really not that unhappy; i'm just supremely restless. i've never really been in the same place for longer than a four year stretch and i'm going on...six years i think? it's no good. maybe i'll go teach english in india, or learn a different culture in africa. or reproduce a glorious english accent. who knows, who knows...i just have to continue to remember that as long as i keep moving, so will God.

i want to write so that i can cry...

so, last night i prayed for a long time about where i am, where i'm going, what i'm doing, and what i should be doing. and the more i know, the more i realize i don't know.

many of my passions come and go. none of them ever leave me, but there is time devoted to each of them, and like anything else, i'm stricken by certain ones more heavily.
at this point in time, with the threat of this TMJ debacle scares me. the whole "use it or lose it" ideal keeps haunting me. i'm not using my musical talents at all, so maybe God is trying to show me just how important these gifts are to me. and i have this fire burning in me to write and sing. this has always been scary to me because being vulnerable through music has always been difficult. it's the quickest way to my heart and if there's a person i trust and admire who says "meh, she's ok" or "um...wow, i expected more" i know i'll just close up and never want to do anything ever again. but i know i owe it to myself to dedicate myself to this project and to follow through it with discipline. i hope this makes sense because i'm not totally focused. i just want to have fun with music again.

i want to use my music to make me feel again. to want to cry because of something so God-inspired and beautiful.

so here goes nothing...or everything. whichever.

(T)ear (M)y (J)aw off!

TMJ--Temporomandibular joint and muscle disorders, commonly called "TMJ," are a group of conditions that cause pain and dysfunction in the jaw joint and the muscles that control jaw movement.

most commonly TMJ is defined as the ultimate destroyer of all my future hopes, dreams, aspirations connected to my chosen major and career path.

my left jaw has popped for...six years. before going into college, i scheduled an appointment with my dentist to get everything checked out so that i would have nothing to worry about while pursuing my dreams of being an opera star. well, the dentist said everything i wanted to hear. that nothing would keep me from singing.

well...things have gotten progressively worse. today i woke up and my jaw was locked closed. couldn't open the mouth. and of course who doesn't freak about something like that? especially when you're an eater! how was i supposed to eat breakfast? lunch? all five of my daily snacks? hahah, you get the idea. needless to stay, stressing didn't help because it caused me to carry even more tension in my jaw. i knew in order to have any hope of getting anything in my mouth of any nutritional value for the day, i would just have to hunker down and crack the jaw open. (which is always EXTREMELY painful) so i went ahead and started crying a little bit, just to get everything in motion. and it popped open and i wanted to faint or puke or stuff an ice packet in my jaw.

i recently got my insurance cards, and hopefully they're effective, because i really need to see what i can do about this. i've read a bunch of things about it and the disorder runs in cycles where i'll be fine for a while and then it'll hit all at once. but it's getting worse and worse, so i just need to see what can be done.

boo.

oh, and it probably didn't help that i was over at lynsi's. because i wanted to act like i was having a great time. let's just say i'm a really great actor. so, i guess if i can't sing ever for the rest of my life, i'll have something to do. yeah. it's starting to hurt when i sing now. i usually ignore the pain. don't know if i should do that.

just a big day filled with OUCH.

fast forward 10 minutes later: i just had a major sneezing fit...and i was very close to having my jaw fly out of my face. hahaha, what a day.

spring awakening (not the musical)

Mary Lennox: "Hello, Pretty Robin. Show me the way to the gate. Please."

i say this every time i see a robin. then this line is usually followed with bad cockney accents as i also try to be Dickon and Martha. and of course sometimes, on the days that it rains, i try to be Colin and scream and wail and say something like "THE SPORES! THE SPORES! Someday I'm going to die!" of course people here think i'm crazy. but hey, why not? you only live once, right?
all this to say i saw a robin today. it's the first i've seen since the beginning of spring. of course this comes as no shock as robins only venture out on typically warm days. it alway makes my heart a little happy as i see them, because i know that spring weather will follow for the day.
and in honor of the movie made in the early 90s, i'm listening to the soundtrack that is SO beautiful by a mr.zbigniew preisner.

and i love when i get up early on my days off. it hardly ever happens because usually my story is "i love to sleep in on my days off." but jack was nosing my face to go outside, and though i usually just burrow deeper into the covers, i saw the sun shining and thought, well, why not? i'm half awake already anyway. so, here i am, blogging to all you readers about my little bit of crazy. but i'm sure i'm not alone.

however, i must depart for the time being. jack is running around the room with a BBQ sauce packet and a sock. it goes without saying this is a recipe for disaster!