fighting

ever felt like everywhere you went you fought? mentally or emotionally? (who knows, maybe even physically?) ever felt like all you could do was lose? well, happy new year and join the party! constantly i'm fighting inside, wondering what's right, what's wrong, how to be right with God, how to be faithful to God. when to speak, when to stay silent.
i guess a lot of these things would just be called "making choices". i've been searching for some silence and peace lately and it is definitely not searching for me. maybe it's running. but i have so many problems in my head. i think things that i've never thought before, questioned things that i thought were always going to be certainties. i know a lot of "grown-ups" have called this the process of growing up, but i think that's just something to say to ease the uncomfortable state of when i'm asking too many hard questions and they're just too overwhelmed to deal anymore.
i want to make a difference.

i want my words to mean something. i want to heal the world and make it better. i have a fire in my soul and it won't back down. and this is a good thing. i know it is. but what do i do with all this when i don't know where to go?