i've been thinking a lot lately about how i used to feel when God governed my thoughts and actions. i hope that i'm getting some of my wisdom back. i don't really know where i've been the past couple years, but i really wouldn't like to go back there.
tomorrow i work. i'm not a fan of working on saturdays, but thankfully, i'll be slightly comatose for most of it, because i don't really wake up until...11..and i work till 1. so, that'll be nice.
then it's lunch with latino and then checking out the willows at coventry. it would be nice if something worked out for apartments. really really nice. and maybe we'll stop by and see how chelsea's doing with her moving.
my contacts are blurry. i've had a rough day. i hope that things get better. because my attitude stinks right now. i just don't know what to do with myself sometimes. all i do know is that the time is growing closer for moving. and there are still some things i need to get in order before it all starts happening. ANYWAY...i'm done for right now. and i think the majority of this post was nonsense.
7.13.2007
7.09.2007
ahhh....
i'm so relaxed now.
and drinking a mountain dew. i'm telling you, i never wanted to drink it ever before (except at weird times when i'd get a dry patch that could only be quenched by the dew), never wanted to drink it before working with the wellsfargo girls. they're addicted.
tomorrow could possibly be my last day there. i'm putting in my 2-weeks notice, and they've been known to let people go on the spot. but hopefully, i can put in my 2-weeks and get paid and NOT work at the same time. wouldn't that be grand? but then amber says that there are security things they have to deal with so tomorrow's 3 hour day just may be my last with no more pay. but i really hope hope hope it works out in my favor. it's kind of surreal. it's been 2 months. only two months and already two months! that's the surrealism of it. there are more good things than bad things if tomorrow happened to be my workforce demise. worst thing: no more money-making, SOLID money-making, before taking off for OK. BUT good things: i can pack, i can relax, i can help chris with his exams, i can clean, i can focus on my in-shapeness, i could get my life in a little bit of order before everything goes crazy, and i can spend time with people like lynsi and my momma, daddy, maybe take a trip up to see my bro and then hit a stop at my grandparents' and aunt pam's. so, there's a part of me hoping for tomorrow as my last day...but of course i still want to make money.
but i miss the nights.
my best music making and thoughts come in the night and lately i've just not been making the time for it. and this is not good. like right now, it's 11:11 and even though i don't work until 11 tomorrow, i have the itch to go to bed. and i HATE that! i miss being a night owl! which makes me think if i have two part-time jobs, i would be happier. i just don't know. i don't know how to find what i'm passionate about and put it to practice. is it possible to have the day job and then perform at night? ooo, i hope.
because i was not born to be a bank teller. not at all.
oh johnny cash.
ok, i'm gonna go do ballet!
and drinking a mountain dew. i'm telling you, i never wanted to drink it ever before (except at weird times when i'd get a dry patch that could only be quenched by the dew), never wanted to drink it before working with the wellsfargo girls. they're addicted.
tomorrow could possibly be my last day there. i'm putting in my 2-weeks notice, and they've been known to let people go on the spot. but hopefully, i can put in my 2-weeks and get paid and NOT work at the same time. wouldn't that be grand? but then amber says that there are security things they have to deal with so tomorrow's 3 hour day just may be my last with no more pay. but i really hope hope hope it works out in my favor. it's kind of surreal. it's been 2 months. only two months and already two months! that's the surrealism of it. there are more good things than bad things if tomorrow happened to be my workforce demise. worst thing: no more money-making, SOLID money-making, before taking off for OK. BUT good things: i can pack, i can relax, i can help chris with his exams, i can clean, i can focus on my in-shapeness, i could get my life in a little bit of order before everything goes crazy, and i can spend time with people like lynsi and my momma, daddy, maybe take a trip up to see my bro and then hit a stop at my grandparents' and aunt pam's. so, there's a part of me hoping for tomorrow as my last day...but of course i still want to make money.
but i miss the nights.
my best music making and thoughts come in the night and lately i've just not been making the time for it. and this is not good. like right now, it's 11:11 and even though i don't work until 11 tomorrow, i have the itch to go to bed. and i HATE that! i miss being a night owl! which makes me think if i have two part-time jobs, i would be happier. i just don't know. i don't know how to find what i'm passionate about and put it to practice. is it possible to have the day job and then perform at night? ooo, i hope.
because i was not born to be a bank teller. not at all.
oh johnny cash.
ok, i'm gonna go do ballet!
glossy lips and bath time grooves
i'm getting ready to shave the legs. it always has a way of relaxing me.
and i'm gonna listen to the CD latino made me this past weekend and just soak and think.
besides, there's no hurry for bed: i don't work until 11 tomorrow (yet again) and it just may end up being my last day. i really hope not, but i have to stop hiding the fact that i'm leaving. man oh man...God be with me. draw me nearer, blessed Lord.
maybe i'll post later.
and i'm gonna listen to the CD latino made me this past weekend and just soak and think.
besides, there's no hurry for bed: i don't work until 11 tomorrow (yet again) and it just may end up being my last day. i really hope not, but i have to stop hiding the fact that i'm leaving. man oh man...God be with me. draw me nearer, blessed Lord.
maybe i'll post later.
7.07.2007
it's a beautiful day
today has been great. it started off waking up around 2 in the afternoon *hehehe*
and then chris and i just lazed around watching will and grace.
he left for work, i called shaun and we talked through a bunch of different topics until we were on the same page. it was very comforting and it made the future a little clearer.
and then i went to hayley's bonfire...and there were a lot of my good guy friends there. i miss boys. one in particular. and man, he looked good. :-) and he hugged me for a LOOOONG time (which shocked me because he isn't a physical person). he got his hair cut and he looked trim and healthy and he was just really...excited to see me. that's attractive, you know? another sunken gardens evening is at play for tomorrow. it'll be perfect talking with him. he just makes me so happy.
and now i've come back home to hang out with jack and continue the on-going marathon of will and grace until chris gets home from work...although i may be asleep by then. hopefully i'll last that long. :-)
so yeah...a beautiful day indeed. weather was perfect, and i'm hoping tomorrow will be the same.
and then chris and i just lazed around watching will and grace.
he left for work, i called shaun and we talked through a bunch of different topics until we were on the same page. it was very comforting and it made the future a little clearer.
and then i went to hayley's bonfire...and there were a lot of my good guy friends there. i miss boys. one in particular. and man, he looked good. :-) and he hugged me for a LOOOONG time (which shocked me because he isn't a physical person). he got his hair cut and he looked trim and healthy and he was just really...excited to see me. that's attractive, you know? another sunken gardens evening is at play for tomorrow. it'll be perfect talking with him. he just makes me so happy.
and now i've come back home to hang out with jack and continue the on-going marathon of will and grace until chris gets home from work...although i may be asleep by then. hopefully i'll last that long. :-)
so yeah...a beautiful day indeed. weather was perfect, and i'm hoping tomorrow will be the same.
7.05.2007
insecurities...
i hate 'em.
i hate doubt and fear when they really have no motivation to be in a certain place.
what am i here for? to serve God only. no other gods before him. and yet every day, there is something new that i'm devoting my attention fully to. not God. but Chris, or wellsfargo, or my new shoes, or working out, or food. it's ridiculous! i hate being distracted from what truly counts.
and it doesn't really matter how much i talk about it, because nothing happens. i still go through the same motions every day, still frustrated at the end, wondering how i'm going to live my life like this.
and oklahoma. i'm so GLAD i'm going to oklahoma. i love new beginnings. they're scary, but SO exciting. i love starting over. lovelovelove. but i need to keep into perspective the reasons i'm going there. because if not, things are not going to be so enjoyable for me. and that's just not fair.
day by day, step by step.
God is good.
and He's always faithful. even when i'm not.
i hate doubt and fear when they really have no motivation to be in a certain place.
what am i here for? to serve God only. no other gods before him. and yet every day, there is something new that i'm devoting my attention fully to. not God. but Chris, or wellsfargo, or my new shoes, or working out, or food. it's ridiculous! i hate being distracted from what truly counts.
and it doesn't really matter how much i talk about it, because nothing happens. i still go through the same motions every day, still frustrated at the end, wondering how i'm going to live my life like this.
and oklahoma. i'm so GLAD i'm going to oklahoma. i love new beginnings. they're scary, but SO exciting. i love starting over. lovelovelove. but i need to keep into perspective the reasons i'm going there. because if not, things are not going to be so enjoyable for me. and that's just not fair.
day by day, step by step.
God is good.
and He's always faithful. even when i'm not.
7.01.2007
on the brink of exhaustion
physically tired.
mentally tired.
emotionally tired.
spiritually wired.
that is what is keeping me moving right now. but it also keeps me silent. i'm waiting for a word or a sign or just something to know that everything is happening just the way God has planned it. but then i realize that's not a way to live. i work so hard every day to do what is right and genuine and pleasing in the eyes of God. and sometimes i just forget to LOVE God. to LOVE and relish the fact that i am a child of the most awesome Father figure in the world. today was a day for relishing. and it's left me in awe. thinking about how things could be so much worse for me. thinking of how it would feel to have no hope. no compassion. no grace or acceptance for people. to look at people as though their darkest sin is written across their bodies.
i was talking with my mom today and in between all my confessing and crying i told her something that i have always kept to myself. that sometimes, i feel i have been given the eyes of God. that i see people through God's perspective. i've always kept it to myself because i've always been afraid of being laughed at, or chastised because i'm some horrific blasphemer. but i was just so filled with raw emotion and so completely tired today that i just said it. and i felt so naked. why is that? it just made me realize that people don't really know me. and the thoughts i think are not heard by anyone. i know it's a shocker that i have to say this, but i think it's because when beka was so close to me, it's as though we just understood one another and always shared the same thoughts. beka is my spiritual twin. (i miss her.)
i just long to feel holiness. i long to be in the presence of my God. i want to go home. i want to have God's unconditionally loving arms wrapped around my entire self, telling me it's all okay, and then knowing INSTANTLY that it's true. that there will be no more crying, no more worry, no more pain. there will be beauty and perfection and peace. i know it will be here in an eternal blink of an eye. but right now, in earth time, it seems like it's taking a bit too long.
but.
as long as i keep working for the Lord and not for men, i will inherit my own lil' mountaintop mansion. glory, glory, amen. (and the funniest thing about this post is that i just accidentally typed "aman". hehe.)
mentally tired.
emotionally tired.
spiritually wired.
that is what is keeping me moving right now. but it also keeps me silent. i'm waiting for a word or a sign or just something to know that everything is happening just the way God has planned it. but then i realize that's not a way to live. i work so hard every day to do what is right and genuine and pleasing in the eyes of God. and sometimes i just forget to LOVE God. to LOVE and relish the fact that i am a child of the most awesome Father figure in the world. today was a day for relishing. and it's left me in awe. thinking about how things could be so much worse for me. thinking of how it would feel to have no hope. no compassion. no grace or acceptance for people. to look at people as though their darkest sin is written across their bodies.
i was talking with my mom today and in between all my confessing and crying i told her something that i have always kept to myself. that sometimes, i feel i have been given the eyes of God. that i see people through God's perspective. i've always kept it to myself because i've always been afraid of being laughed at, or chastised because i'm some horrific blasphemer. but i was just so filled with raw emotion and so completely tired today that i just said it. and i felt so naked. why is that? it just made me realize that people don't really know me. and the thoughts i think are not heard by anyone. i know it's a shocker that i have to say this, but i think it's because when beka was so close to me, it's as though we just understood one another and always shared the same thoughts. beka is my spiritual twin. (i miss her.)
i just long to feel holiness. i long to be in the presence of my God. i want to go home. i want to have God's unconditionally loving arms wrapped around my entire self, telling me it's all okay, and then knowing INSTANTLY that it's true. that there will be no more crying, no more worry, no more pain. there will be beauty and perfection and peace. i know it will be here in an eternal blink of an eye. but right now, in earth time, it seems like it's taking a bit too long.
but.
as long as i keep working for the Lord and not for men, i will inherit my own lil' mountaintop mansion. glory, glory, amen. (and the funniest thing about this post is that i just accidentally typed "aman". hehe.)
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