i love hayley.

a conversation between me and the johnson regarding love and life...and its many different facets:

H: Then I ask you...
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why am I still so attached

D: well...i have a theory
it's something i used to go through every time when chris made up his mind to like someone.
it's one of those things where you KNOW that you can treat him well, you know he would be safe with you, and that you
would care about every little part of him. even the dumb things...
it's kind of one of those things where you feel like you would be more apt to running HIS life more than your own
at least...that's how i kinda feel when i get crazy

H: yeah...
that's pretty much it
It's easier to take care of him than to take care of myself

D: yep
welcome to the world of co-dependency!
and i think it also deals a lot with attention. like, when josh/chris don't like anyone, we get a lot of their conversation. and
it's about meaningful/stupid stuff.
then, when a boy/girl comes along, they get swallowed up into their worlds, and think that we want to know EVERY LITTLE
THING about it...when really, it feels like we just don't matter as much anymore. that we're boring. or taken for granted,
because they KNOW we'll still be there if things don't work out
and then we think, well, we'll show them! i'm gonna be angry! and then i'm leaving! but then we don't. and we end up
screwing up our heads a little more...and hating ourselves a little more because we love them too much. and then things
don't work out, and the cycle continues...

H: until the end of time

D: yesssss

H: one big pile o' suck

D: It's true
But there are so many more good days than bad ones...and not just relationship shit. Like...there's so much that Josh does
that no one ever knows about that I can't even begin to describe to you, how much he wants me to be okay with myself
with life with everything.

H: And that's the big thing...the thing that really hurts me...that it's like...if I were just, not a quack...things would be
different...or that's what I tell myself
But there's no way of ever knowing that

D: i know exactly what you mean
i dealt with that a lot last year between chris and i.
hahah, it's kind of funnier (or saddddder in my case)...i kept thinking if things would have been different if i were a guy
because i know how much chris cares and it's a very similar relationship you have with josh (so it sounds)
and i would just pray to God to tell me what i'm supposed to feel

H: Yeah

D: it's hard when you want to be seen in one role or just TRY out a role, and he always sees you in another and hardly
considers the role you wish to be

H: exactly.

D: and even though you're discontent in that role, you still will stay in it, because at least you still get to know him, be with
him, love him. and have him get to know you, be with you, and love you. just not in the perfect way that you always think
it's one of the most splendid pickles i've ever known

H: hear hear

hayley and i will always be bonded together. there are so many little things that we just plain understand about each other, because we see the very same things in ourselves.