lazy...

oh my goodness.
i hate this word.
sometimes because it shouldn't be applied to me at all...
other times, because it's all i can be in life...
and other times, because i want to be...but secretly.

i hate not having a job.
i am forced to think about situations that are never bound to happen.
but sometimes, it's okay not having a job.
because then i have really fun adventures all by myself.
and some with chris.

but mostly, i hate the word "lazy"...and i hate not having a job.

and i feel like i'm growing a super-doublechin.
this stops today.
seriously.

i love hayley.

a conversation between me and the johnson regarding love and life...and its many different facets:

H: Then I ask you...
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why am I still so attached

D: well...i have a theory
it's something i used to go through every time when chris made up his mind to like someone.
it's one of those things where you KNOW that you can treat him well, you know he would be safe with you, and that you
would care about every little part of him. even the dumb things...
it's kind of one of those things where you feel like you would be more apt to running HIS life more than your own
at least...that's how i kinda feel when i get crazy

H: yeah...
that's pretty much it
It's easier to take care of him than to take care of myself

D: yep
welcome to the world of co-dependency!
and i think it also deals a lot with attention. like, when josh/chris don't like anyone, we get a lot of their conversation. and
it's about meaningful/stupid stuff.
then, when a boy/girl comes along, they get swallowed up into their worlds, and think that we want to know EVERY LITTLE
THING about it...when really, it feels like we just don't matter as much anymore. that we're boring. or taken for granted,
because they KNOW we'll still be there if things don't work out
and then we think, well, we'll show them! i'm gonna be angry! and then i'm leaving! but then we don't. and we end up
screwing up our heads a little more...and hating ourselves a little more because we love them too much. and then things
don't work out, and the cycle continues...

H: until the end of time

D: yesssss

H: one big pile o' suck

D: It's true
But there are so many more good days than bad ones...and not just relationship shit. Like...there's so much that Josh does
that no one ever knows about that I can't even begin to describe to you, how much he wants me to be okay with myself
with life with everything.

H: And that's the big thing...the thing that really hurts me...that it's like...if I were just, not a quack...things would be
different...or that's what I tell myself
But there's no way of ever knowing that

D: i know exactly what you mean
i dealt with that a lot last year between chris and i.
hahah, it's kind of funnier (or saddddder in my case)...i kept thinking if things would have been different if i were a guy
because i know how much chris cares and it's a very similar relationship you have with josh (so it sounds)
and i would just pray to God to tell me what i'm supposed to feel

H: Yeah

D: it's hard when you want to be seen in one role or just TRY out a role, and he always sees you in another and hardly
considers the role you wish to be

H: exactly.

D: and even though you're discontent in that role, you still will stay in it, because at least you still get to know him, be with
him, love him. and have him get to know you, be with you, and love you. just not in the perfect way that you always think
it's one of the most splendid pickles i've ever known

H: hear hear

hayley and i will always be bonded together. there are so many little things that we just plain understand about each other, because we see the very same things in ourselves.

29

twenty-nine is the seventh consecutive prime number of the whole number scale.
i remember when i used to say "brains before beauty"...
i don't know if i believe that anymore. and i think that's kind of sad.
i used to always identify myself by my intelligence and my beliefs.
well, my belief system is being constantly shaken, and getting smarter each day is no longer my focus.
it's getting thinner.
i used to always think, "well, if all else fails, i'll still be smart"...
and i don't think that was completely the right idea either.
after a very short tiff with chris, i thought i this revelation of where i was supposed to be. and who was supposed to be with me.
but i was wrong.
and i realized that it's not the intelligence that is going to get me somewhere.
and it's not the beauty.
it's the wisdom.
and lately wisdom has been in short supply.
but it's okay.
there's always time to learn.
and be whoever i am built to be. short or tall, fat or thin, pretty or ugly. smart or dumb.
it's okay.
God knows more than i will ever need to know. about everything.
and if He is for me, who can be against me?
yesh, i guess that is all.
nothing profound.
but truthful just the same.

whaoapeoriane

i feel like i can't even control my head anymore.
there's this pain that i've just kind of gotten used to.
and is it really okay to feel as nauseous as i have lately?
hmm, probably not.
i think it's my sleeping patterns...
like right now, normal people are sleeping. even college kids are sleeping.
but what am i doing?
not sleeping.
and my eyelashes are falling out.
seriously.
i think i've seen at least ten fall out today.
maybe it's the mascara i'm using today. maybe i've rubbed my eyes too much.
meh.
there's no time to be concerned.
there's no money to be concerned.
i'm just hangin' on in this wild ride.

and i love my mom.
she is a really great friend.

oh, body clock...

so, chris and i have been on a crazy sleep pattern for about the past week. and a half, for me.
but it's been kind of fun. i actually feel like i have more energy, even though i've gotten less sleep.
and my goodness, i have watched so many movies. i've watched 2.5 seasons of THE OFFICE (heehee), Pride & Prejudice (2X), The Little Mermaid, (currently) Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone, Employee of the Month, The Devil Wears Prada, and there are still more to come.
yesterday evening i went with piano house (cara & pose) to fort wayne, and that was a great time for me.
and it's been nice just hanging out with an unstressed chris...well, as unstressed as possible. there's always something for him to be stressed about. but i don't fear for his life so much since he dropped his Venice class.
(sidenote: i think my favorite part of the first movie of Harry Potter is the oversized chess match that ron has to play for harry to get through to the Stone.)
tomorrow i'm going home. i haven't been home in a long time. mostly because i don't like going to church. which i never thought i would say. and it's not that i don't like going to church...but i don't like going to my "home" church. i just don't understand anita or june anymore. everyone else, i'm fine with. but those two...*sigh* i just get so sad. psh. no one's gonna steal my joy. and it will be good to spend time with mom, and do laundry, and love on buddy and sarah. and see dad and gramma & grampa. and maybe even aunt pam. yay!
well, back to my movie!