10.23.2008
"maybe i should try humpback"
hehehee. this is the second day in a row where i've watched FINDING NEMO. and it never fails; this lil' clip makes me laugh out loud. the way ellen and the animators team up together...just perfection. the sounds/animation that follow after "maybe i should try humpback" KILLS me. hehehehe :-)
i don't know what it is about disney films, but there really is magic in them. i watch one and i always feel a little more childlike, a little happier.
other things that make me happier: tomorrow is abigail grace allwein's senior voice recital. and i'm excited to hear some good singin'. yay!
10.09.2008
anger, helplessness, and fear
about five-and-a-half years ago (wow, i can't believe it's been that long; it doesn't feel it), i sat in on, taking many notes on an insightful HEARTLAND message with the katies on either side of me (katie kobelski on my left, katie jones on my right). many things were said in this divine message, but the one that has consistently stayed with me is that "anger is a product of fear and the first sign of helplessness." the message talked about healing your heart's wounds, the importance of reconciliation and taking steps to get your life back on track. how to cope and how to praise and worship even when times are hard. one journal entry later, i was sobbing over katie's death.
five-and-a-half years. and i'm still dealing with my heart: its unanswered questions, the vulnerability, the helplessness. the fear and anger.
the message is now instrumental yet again. my life is consistently in turmoil. my brains versus my heart almost 24/7; still without answers to questions i never thought i'd have to entertain. but i have been given a great burden...though i still can't decipher whether i blessed myself with it or if God has given it to me to make me more compassionate. (even though i thought i had already covered that.) i'm learning slowly the power of prayer and to be careful for what you ask.
my heart is burdened. my heart is tired.
i long for my dear friend in times like these. even though i know to have her back would mean too many struggles for her. she's where she belongs. and i'm sure she's out-singing all of those angels.
this was a song that i wrote down that was part of the worship service that sunday morning.
COME, COME, COME by benjamin steenke
all who are weary, all who are broken
all who are burdened, all who can't cope
all who are guilty, all who have sinned
all who are hopeless, all who despair
all who are helpless, the lonely and weak
all of the outcasts, those covered in shame
all of the orphans, be loosed from the chains
come, come, come, be found by the Father
let His radiance burn away your shame.
run, run, run into His shelter
immerse your heart
come and find rest, rest for your souls
come and find peace
peace like you've never known.
and my toils...it just makes me call out for home.
and this journey is my own.
five-and-a-half years. and i'm still dealing with my heart: its unanswered questions, the vulnerability, the helplessness. the fear and anger.
the message is now instrumental yet again. my life is consistently in turmoil. my brains versus my heart almost 24/7; still without answers to questions i never thought i'd have to entertain. but i have been given a great burden...though i still can't decipher whether i blessed myself with it or if God has given it to me to make me more compassionate. (even though i thought i had already covered that.) i'm learning slowly the power of prayer and to be careful for what you ask.
my heart is burdened. my heart is tired.
i long for my dear friend in times like these. even though i know to have her back would mean too many struggles for her. she's where she belongs. and i'm sure she's out-singing all of those angels.
this was a song that i wrote down that was part of the worship service that sunday morning.
COME, COME, COME by benjamin steenke
all who are weary, all who are broken
all who are burdened, all who can't cope
all who are guilty, all who have sinned
all who are hopeless, all who despair
all who are helpless, the lonely and weak
all of the outcasts, those covered in shame
all of the orphans, be loosed from the chains
come, come, come, be found by the Father
let His radiance burn away your shame.
run, run, run into His shelter
immerse your heart
come and find rest, rest for your souls
come and find peace
peace like you've never known.
and my toils...it just makes me call out for home.
and this journey is my own.
PTO
so, it is thursday, and i have been on PTO for...5 days now. and it's so nice. no stress. i've read one-and-a-half jane austen books and have just RELAXED. i have not had a break like this since before i worked at wells fargo.
i want a job to which i want to return, and not view it so much like a death sentence. good things come to those who wait? ha. good things come to those who go out searching for their own happiness. so, i guess there's only one things left for me to do...
pray for guidance.
i want a job to which i want to return, and not view it so much like a death sentence. good things come to those who wait? ha. good things come to those who go out searching for their own happiness. so, i guess there's only one things left for me to do...
pray for guidance.
10.05.2008
my heart
i have always been an emotional person.
i was labeled "the cry-baby" very early in life...but that was usually because i wasn't getting something that i wanted.
i feel things deeply, hope for things deeply, and cry easily.
until a handful of years ago.
i remember my mother saying (and chris a short time later)that crying doesn't solve the problem. and after that, i understood that maybe it hurt them too much, or it was too much for them to handle, when they saw me cry.
now, whether i'm talking with them about hard situations or even sitting next to them in a sappy tear-jerker of a movie, i hold it back.
i don't cry to solve problems. i don't cry to get out of situations.
but it's because of my heart. my heart is so overwhelmed (whether it be by joy, pain, confusion, frustration)that there is no other outlet. i hear a song that identifies with a situation in my life, and i lose it. it is my physical relief.
when katie died, i didn't cry instantly. and i don't remember exactly when it finally all poured out. but i remember my body feeling like it was pent up and needed to release. but i wouldn't let myself. maybe it was because i knew that once i cried i would know she was gone. and i just wasn't ready.
needless to say, there is a lot on my heart right now. things that i thought i had dealt with are coming back double, and i don't know what to do with myself.
maybe i should just move to ireland. they get to keen there...
i was labeled "the cry-baby" very early in life...but that was usually because i wasn't getting something that i wanted.
i feel things deeply, hope for things deeply, and cry easily.
until a handful of years ago.
i remember my mother saying (and chris a short time later)that crying doesn't solve the problem. and after that, i understood that maybe it hurt them too much, or it was too much for them to handle, when they saw me cry.
now, whether i'm talking with them about hard situations or even sitting next to them in a sappy tear-jerker of a movie, i hold it back.
i don't cry to solve problems. i don't cry to get out of situations.
but it's because of my heart. my heart is so overwhelmed (whether it be by joy, pain, confusion, frustration)that there is no other outlet. i hear a song that identifies with a situation in my life, and i lose it. it is my physical relief.
when katie died, i didn't cry instantly. and i don't remember exactly when it finally all poured out. but i remember my body feeling like it was pent up and needed to release. but i wouldn't let myself. maybe it was because i knew that once i cried i would know she was gone. and i just wasn't ready.
needless to say, there is a lot on my heart right now. things that i thought i had dealt with are coming back double, and i don't know what to do with myself.
maybe i should just move to ireland. they get to keen there...
10.03.2008
FINDING NEVERLAND reminds me of..."the sickness".
so, i went to the carmel-clay public library....mmm, i love libraries. all the education in one building. all the endless card catalogs. it's like home. only...not.
amidst all the choices of audio selections, i found the lovely soundtrack of FINDING NEVERLAND. not only does it bring me fond memories of watching this movie for the first time, but it reminds me of GODSPELL summer. and the sickness that i was assured would remove me from this earth.
hahaha...i remember being on a stripped-bare dorm mattress with a snuggly blanket and pillow, slipping in and out of consciousness, mumbling and moaning, drinking powerade and downing vicodin. having a few phone conversations with chris that i never remembered having. i chose to watch this movie FINDING NEVERLAND, but i'm pretty sure i still have only seen parts of it. though i have the motif of the DVD menu etched into my memory forever. i would wake up, push play, pass out, and wake up to the menu recycling the motif over and over. i remember eric church's pumas as he sat on THE PIANO HOUSE's futon, his satchel of movies; i remember pose having a bout of sickness as well, failing to make it to the bathroom and back and chose just to lie down in the middle of the hallway where we gargled disjunct conversation back and forth till one or both of us dozed off. and cara running in (literally) with her mouth and nose covered yelling "i'm moving into the Late House!" and running back out with a handful of clothes to wear. to this day i don't really remember how long i was down with the wretched disaster. a week maybe? and i only remember taking two vicodin....hmm...
but i do know that it will be a very long time (if ever) before i will drink blue powerade again.
but FINDING NEVERLAND...a most beautifully composed movie score.
amidst all the choices of audio selections, i found the lovely soundtrack of FINDING NEVERLAND. not only does it bring me fond memories of watching this movie for the first time, but it reminds me of GODSPELL summer. and the sickness that i was assured would remove me from this earth.
hahaha...i remember being on a stripped-bare dorm mattress with a snuggly blanket and pillow, slipping in and out of consciousness, mumbling and moaning, drinking powerade and downing vicodin. having a few phone conversations with chris that i never remembered having. i chose to watch this movie FINDING NEVERLAND, but i'm pretty sure i still have only seen parts of it. though i have the motif of the DVD menu etched into my memory forever. i would wake up, push play, pass out, and wake up to the menu recycling the motif over and over. i remember eric church's pumas as he sat on THE PIANO HOUSE's futon, his satchel of movies; i remember pose having a bout of sickness as well, failing to make it to the bathroom and back and chose just to lie down in the middle of the hallway where we gargled disjunct conversation back and forth till one or both of us dozed off. and cara running in (literally) with her mouth and nose covered yelling "i'm moving into the Late House!" and running back out with a handful of clothes to wear. to this day i don't really remember how long i was down with the wretched disaster. a week maybe? and i only remember taking two vicodin....hmm...
but i do know that it will be a very long time (if ever) before i will drink blue powerade again.
but FINDING NEVERLAND...a most beautifully composed movie score.
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