have you ever sat around, trying to occupy yourself with seemingless tasks, allthewhile waiting for a ding from your gmail inbox, saying you've gotten an email from the one person you're hoping would drop you a line?
if no, just stop reading altogether. this blog will be meaningless to you. though possibly comical.
if yes, are we among the group i so fondly label "the stupid girl club"?
chris texted me a few half-hours ago stating that he hates being single. and for the first time in a long time, i admitted the same.
sure, i don't mind it most of the time. but i believe my life would be a lot more fulfilling, knowing that i would get to share this amazing love that has been built into me for the past 24 and counting years. but i have been suffocating myself with excuses of "i'm not ready" or "i need to work on myself first"...i mean, i'm so close to perfection, just give me a few more weeks. who's going to burst my bubble and say it's not possible? who? because that someone....you would be my hero and knight of rationality.
underneath all the excuses and subject changes, truth be told, i'm just terrified. crazed with fear that i'll just royally screw up someone's life because i'm not decisive enough to know whether or not i want to be with him. or whether i'm good enough, or do the right thing, or say the right thing...
and then there's this person.
i go back and forth, back and forth on how to feel. not knowing if he would ever love me the way i long to be loved by another. wondering if we truly have enough in common, if we would mesh the way i so hope we would. but instead of seeking out these answers, i hide behind my doubts and turn THOSE into the truths so i don't have to worry about the moment of rejection, or as my mother stated last night, the moment of affirmation. the moment when he could say that he loves me. or that he wants to be with me. am i ready for that? will i ever be ready?
i play devil's advocate all the time in my head. i tell myself the reasons i shouldn't date are because of the marriage failures in my family that haunt me. but then another part of me rebuts by saying, but you've never even tried. you're just sitting on your hands waiting for something to happen. you have to move in order to be moved. maybe you're just not mature enough. to which i quickly recant with, shah! like you know me? i'd be one of the most responsive, most caring people you could ever be with!...and then i think about how crazy i am and sigh and just drop everything altogether.
i have all these thoughts that run through my head, things that "i want! i want! i want!"...yet i don't have the gumption to go out on a limb and even try. i'm still the chubby (one of the words i HATE) girl with big ol' honkin' glasses that incessantly slid down her nose as she walks up to the boy she has loved since kindergarten, holding in her shaking hands the letter to change her future, filled with all the feelings and emotions that can be had by a sixth grader. she hands it off to him, waiting to see his response, hoping it to be a hug of acceptance. what she sees instead is him smile (reassuring) and then hand it off to his idiot sidekick (nauseating), followed by him laughing and flashing a look as if to say "you?? you really thought i would like YOU?" and then run off to class. i turn around, holding my head up in dignity, passing by all the snickering girls who were equally infatuated with him, and hop into a bathroom, looking unscathed, only to fall apart in a bathroom stall, acknowledging that my dreams have been torn to pieces.
no, i don't want this to happen again.
but...i know that this guy? he cares about me. he loves me as a friend should love. and i know that he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt me. one of the number one reasons i'm drawn to him. he's a softy.
also, what's the risk? in the grand scheme of things, i know i'll still learn something from taking a step. good or bad, there's always something to be learned.
so, in closing, i'd like to reflect on some great wisdom from one of the most celebrated, empassioned singers of our time: celine dion. :-)
"what do you say to taking chances? what do you say to jumping over the edge? never knowing if there's solid ground below, a hand to hold, or hell to pay...what do you say?"
what do you say?
oh, celine. amen.
2.06.2008
where is my life?
i can't sleep.
so i thought i would tell you where i am, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
right now i'm in my apartment that i share with chris. (don't know if you knew i was living with him or not. it's the best of times, it's the worst of times.) i'm watching my dog jack sleep on my bed right now (he's a black lab), and i'm questioning life.
lately i've just wanted to be a hermit and just get back to communing solely with God. i miss Him.
i've been binge eating because i'm stressed, unhappy, confused, scared. slap on another hundred pounds of mashed potatoes. maybe then i'll find comfort.
i drive 1.5 hours to work every day and then turn around and drive 1.5 hours back home. i feel like one of the most retarded people on the planet, driving like this. i feel like i'm wasting tons of money. well, because i am. i thought maybe i could break my lease, move down to the same city (kokomo) where i work, but found that the apartment complex would demand more money than i have to give them in order to leave. so it's just really awful.
it wasn't financially bad until my car died forever (on christmas eve). then i had to get a new car (which i'm thankful for but which takes a lot of my paycheck) and the insurance was not a price of my liking. so i'm just barely floating on the water, slowly feeling the chains starting to tug me under. but as long as i stay breathing and don't panic. sometimes i think that i'm over my head, having to prove myself to everyone; that i can be a responsible girl and pay all my bills and earn a living. be independent.
my mother recently started dating this guy from tennessee (she divorced my step-dad; it was finalized the 12thish of december; she's now Diane Owsley). she called me tonight saying she's getting ready to hop on her plane for valentine's day week and spend the time with him. he seems really nice, and he seems to make her happy. but she's super-involved with him already so we don't really get to talk much anymore about anything other than this Carl guy. she always wants my opinion but i hold off. i think she's moving too fast, and that she's not thinking too clearly and that she's settling for the first guy who has shown her some positive attention. and like i said, he's nice. but there are a lot of really nice guys out there, you know? i just want to make sure that my mom finally finds the best guy for her. for her to feel like she can take her time and find the one who's been waiting for her all his life. she deserves the supreme romance. she's dealt with too much to not finally have a break.
i think i'm becoming skeptical about finding love. or feeling love from someone else. or if i truly, truly understand love myself. i read first corinthians 13 a lot, hoping that i will be able to create this love that Christ has given us. but i just feel like i'm missing some great step. i'm afraid of stepping out. afraid of not being accepted. afraid of being that 6th grade girl again who finally got the nerve to call the boy she absolutely died for, only to have him laugh at her and tell her that she was too ugly and fat to ever be loved by him. sure, that may have been half a lifetime ago, but sometimes it feels just like yesterday. and then sometimes i think i hide behind my weight because that should be the first thing that deters anyone from liking me. but what if the reason i'm rejected is because of who i am? not what i look like?
i stare at this keyboard that i have in my room. i haven't played my music for a long time now. i can't really say why. i guess maybe i'm afraid yet again of feeling lost. or feeling trapped and like this really shouldn't be my life. that i should be in grad school, developing my craft so that i can find a way to use the gifts that God has so graciously given me.
i'm afraid of opening up. afraid that no one will want to listen. so i just listen to the same life stories, over and over. not to mention that i've been having a lot of trouble with my jaw lately. it locks up all the time, which wouldn't be so serious if i didn't want my singing to be my livelihood. i'm scared that because i'm not using my gift, God is slowly taking it away.
i miss beka.
sometimes my heart just aches for her. when i was with her, things were simple and they made sense, and i knew there was someone to love me as hard as i loved her. she's only about an hour away, but with my work schedule/driving schedule, i haven't seen her since my senior recital. and that's just so ridiculous and awful to me.
sometimes i listen to music and it just makes me so disheartened. i feel my dreams longing to be sought after, but feeling so overwhelmed with this "real life" deal that they just sit there.
these are things that i just never want to say. i don't want to be accused of complaining. i don't want to feel weak by letting someone know all these things. i never want to talk about life because there's nothing going on that makes it more than bleak.
the one shining light: i do enjoy my job. but i know there's so much more for me. so much that waits at my fingertips.
sometimes i just feel like a little broken bird. my wings need a mending because my heart is aching to fly.
i hate crying now. i used to not care. i used to be emotional all the time. but now i guess i fear that it will be seen as some passing weakness. that i'll just realize that this is what life is. that i'll grow up. that i'll realize that emotion doesn't solve anything. why cry? just do something already!
therefore, you can probably tell what the state of my soul is. i'm hurting. i'm grasping for support. to just be held like the child that i am. in my Daddy's arms. where i know i'll feel loved. safe and sound and at peace. i feel like a big screw-up when He had me set up for all these great things.
i don't know if this is exactly what you had in mind to hear from me. but it's where i am. i didn't want to share this, because i don't like being this way. but facts are facts i guess, and it's time i face them. and not face them alone, but with someone else.
yeah, that's all i got.
how about you?
so i thought i would tell you where i am, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
right now i'm in my apartment that i share with chris. (don't know if you knew i was living with him or not. it's the best of times, it's the worst of times.) i'm watching my dog jack sleep on my bed right now (he's a black lab), and i'm questioning life.
lately i've just wanted to be a hermit and just get back to communing solely with God. i miss Him.
i've been binge eating because i'm stressed, unhappy, confused, scared. slap on another hundred pounds of mashed potatoes. maybe then i'll find comfort.
i drive 1.5 hours to work every day and then turn around and drive 1.5 hours back home. i feel like one of the most retarded people on the planet, driving like this. i feel like i'm wasting tons of money. well, because i am. i thought maybe i could break my lease, move down to the same city (kokomo) where i work, but found that the apartment complex would demand more money than i have to give them in order to leave. so it's just really awful.
it wasn't financially bad until my car died forever (on christmas eve). then i had to get a new car (which i'm thankful for but which takes a lot of my paycheck) and the insurance was not a price of my liking. so i'm just barely floating on the water, slowly feeling the chains starting to tug me under. but as long as i stay breathing and don't panic. sometimes i think that i'm over my head, having to prove myself to everyone; that i can be a responsible girl and pay all my bills and earn a living. be independent.
my mother recently started dating this guy from tennessee (she divorced my step-dad; it was finalized the 12thish of december; she's now Diane Owsley). she called me tonight saying she's getting ready to hop on her plane for valentine's day week and spend the time with him. he seems really nice, and he seems to make her happy. but she's super-involved with him already so we don't really get to talk much anymore about anything other than this Carl guy. she always wants my opinion but i hold off. i think she's moving too fast, and that she's not thinking too clearly and that she's settling for the first guy who has shown her some positive attention. and like i said, he's nice. but there are a lot of really nice guys out there, you know? i just want to make sure that my mom finally finds the best guy for her. for her to feel like she can take her time and find the one who's been waiting for her all his life. she deserves the supreme romance. she's dealt with too much to not finally have a break.
i think i'm becoming skeptical about finding love. or feeling love from someone else. or if i truly, truly understand love myself. i read first corinthians 13 a lot, hoping that i will be able to create this love that Christ has given us. but i just feel like i'm missing some great step. i'm afraid of stepping out. afraid of not being accepted. afraid of being that 6th grade girl again who finally got the nerve to call the boy she absolutely died for, only to have him laugh at her and tell her that she was too ugly and fat to ever be loved by him. sure, that may have been half a lifetime ago, but sometimes it feels just like yesterday. and then sometimes i think i hide behind my weight because that should be the first thing that deters anyone from liking me. but what if the reason i'm rejected is because of who i am? not what i look like?
i stare at this keyboard that i have in my room. i haven't played my music for a long time now. i can't really say why. i guess maybe i'm afraid yet again of feeling lost. or feeling trapped and like this really shouldn't be my life. that i should be in grad school, developing my craft so that i can find a way to use the gifts that God has so graciously given me.
i'm afraid of opening up. afraid that no one will want to listen. so i just listen to the same life stories, over and over. not to mention that i've been having a lot of trouble with my jaw lately. it locks up all the time, which wouldn't be so serious if i didn't want my singing to be my livelihood. i'm scared that because i'm not using my gift, God is slowly taking it away.
i miss beka.
sometimes my heart just aches for her. when i was with her, things were simple and they made sense, and i knew there was someone to love me as hard as i loved her. she's only about an hour away, but with my work schedule/driving schedule, i haven't seen her since my senior recital. and that's just so ridiculous and awful to me.
sometimes i listen to music and it just makes me so disheartened. i feel my dreams longing to be sought after, but feeling so overwhelmed with this "real life" deal that they just sit there.
these are things that i just never want to say. i don't want to be accused of complaining. i don't want to feel weak by letting someone know all these things. i never want to talk about life because there's nothing going on that makes it more than bleak.
the one shining light: i do enjoy my job. but i know there's so much more for me. so much that waits at my fingertips.
sometimes i just feel like a little broken bird. my wings need a mending because my heart is aching to fly.
i hate crying now. i used to not care. i used to be emotional all the time. but now i guess i fear that it will be seen as some passing weakness. that i'll just realize that this is what life is. that i'll grow up. that i'll realize that emotion doesn't solve anything. why cry? just do something already!
therefore, you can probably tell what the state of my soul is. i'm hurting. i'm grasping for support. to just be held like the child that i am. in my Daddy's arms. where i know i'll feel loved. safe and sound and at peace. i feel like a big screw-up when He had me set up for all these great things.
i don't know if this is exactly what you had in mind to hear from me. but it's where i am. i didn't want to share this, because i don't like being this way. but facts are facts i guess, and it's time i face them. and not face them alone, but with someone else.
yeah, that's all i got.
how about you?
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