discipline is something i've always needed to work on, but the funny thing, you need to have discipline in order to build more discipline. i have these spurts and then i'm done. it's awful. so i'm hoping that slowly and surely, i will learn to have discipline in every part of my life.
this comes to me as i watch chris doing his workout. i've already done mine. and i remember back to when i would work out every day because i wanted to. and then i got sick and it all went down hill. i just remember feeling so healthy and looking so healthy. *sigh* it will happen again. starting today. maybe i should try working out in the morning so i forget about the pain through the day and the energy takes me through my horrors at the bank. hopefully a new job is on the horizon. one can only hope.
9.17.2007
9.16.2007
one very good reason
i should have just gone home today. my mom said that maybe i just needed to get away from things. mothers have that capability of being right. it's like they know things. but there was one very good reason to stay. and i didn't know it until about an hour and a half ago. thank you, Jesus for giving me something today. please help me to bear with my surroundings.
9.15.2007
wow
i am an elephant calf. regularly, elephant mommas, after carrying their babies for a whopping 22 months, give birth to their babies that are on the average 265 pounds. i am a baby elephant. crazy.
headache, heartache
i'm in this haze right now. i just got done napping, and i feel like i'm under a veil of oppression. i think i shall go for a walk. and hopefully there will be something i find outside that will cheer my soul. or maybe i shouldn't because of the fact that it's late. but what can i do indoors that will help me out of this? i guess i just wish i was interesting. if i were in indy...
things aren't always what they seem...
i'm sitting here, finally having a saturday off. i got up early, with chris, so that i could just take some time before going home to momma.
i was praying on my way to work last week and i came across some God-promptings in my mind. i was surprised by what i found, only another indication of how i've drifted from where i love to be with God.
an amy grant song drifted into my head while i was praying (i know it's amy grant, but she has her good moments). "all i ever have to be is what You've made me..."
i hurt myself day in and day out, staring into a mirror and being disappointed with myself, calling myself names. it's like i demoted myself back to the sixth grade. but all i ever have to be is what i've been made to be. i need to be okay with where i am right now, in life and in body. i need to stop thinking about how i would feel/be if i wasn't fat. because i am fat. and it's like an addiction. as soon as i stop fantasizing about who i want to be or how i want to look, i'll actually put that time into becoming who i want to be and how i want to look. it's a hard cycle to break, but necessary. but instead of saying i gained 10 pounds, i can say, well, i'm not 300 pounds yet. :-)
i'm watching PAY IT FORWARD with kevin spacey, and it does my heart so much good. i'm like trevor. i want to create a utopian society where everyone looks out for another person, instead of it always being about me being number one. it makes me cry real hard. because it makes me realize that i was made in this world for a reason but that my destination is not found here on earth.
and now, for current things on my mind: 1)my job. --this requires no elaboration because i don't want to ruin my day off! 2) latino. this is something i can't talk about with chris anymore, because he has come to draw his own conclusions on things. and they're sometimes accurate, but of course he's not as open to talking about it for fear of losing me. which won't happen, but i understand his unease about it all. i just greatly respect latino. he's changed with me. a lot. and he offers great guidance and wisdom. this makes me love him. i'm just not sure what kind of love it is. and right now i don't think that's important. only when prompted to think about that do i actually dwell upon it. all i know is that it's nice. and that i know he cares about me too. i told chris that he doesn't love me. i'm not for certain. i just said that to ease his mind. but i don't think he "marriage" loves me. and i think that's what is most important for chris to know. i don't know. i don't think it's even that big of a deal right now. it's just great having a friend, you know?
there are so many people who need loved in this world. i just hope that i can love the ones that i come into contact with every day. that's the one great thing about working in customer service. i see all kinds of people, every day, and it makes me understand the world a little bit more and see how much it's hurting. and that is when i'm given compassion. to share just for a little while.
i really love this movie. and i love kevin spacey. he's just an empathetic actor. beautiful.
i was praying on my way to work last week and i came across some God-promptings in my mind. i was surprised by what i found, only another indication of how i've drifted from where i love to be with God.
an amy grant song drifted into my head while i was praying (i know it's amy grant, but she has her good moments). "all i ever have to be is what You've made me..."
i hurt myself day in and day out, staring into a mirror and being disappointed with myself, calling myself names. it's like i demoted myself back to the sixth grade. but all i ever have to be is what i've been made to be. i need to be okay with where i am right now, in life and in body. i need to stop thinking about how i would feel/be if i wasn't fat. because i am fat. and it's like an addiction. as soon as i stop fantasizing about who i want to be or how i want to look, i'll actually put that time into becoming who i want to be and how i want to look. it's a hard cycle to break, but necessary. but instead of saying i gained 10 pounds, i can say, well, i'm not 300 pounds yet. :-)
i'm watching PAY IT FORWARD with kevin spacey, and it does my heart so much good. i'm like trevor. i want to create a utopian society where everyone looks out for another person, instead of it always being about me being number one. it makes me cry real hard. because it makes me realize that i was made in this world for a reason but that my destination is not found here on earth.
and now, for current things on my mind: 1)my job. --this requires no elaboration because i don't want to ruin my day off! 2) latino. this is something i can't talk about with chris anymore, because he has come to draw his own conclusions on things. and they're sometimes accurate, but of course he's not as open to talking about it for fear of losing me. which won't happen, but i understand his unease about it all. i just greatly respect latino. he's changed with me. a lot. and he offers great guidance and wisdom. this makes me love him. i'm just not sure what kind of love it is. and right now i don't think that's important. only when prompted to think about that do i actually dwell upon it. all i know is that it's nice. and that i know he cares about me too. i told chris that he doesn't love me. i'm not for certain. i just said that to ease his mind. but i don't think he "marriage" loves me. and i think that's what is most important for chris to know. i don't know. i don't think it's even that big of a deal right now. it's just great having a friend, you know?
there are so many people who need loved in this world. i just hope that i can love the ones that i come into contact with every day. that's the one great thing about working in customer service. i see all kinds of people, every day, and it makes me understand the world a little bit more and see how much it's hurting. and that is when i'm given compassion. to share just for a little while.
i really love this movie. and i love kevin spacey. he's just an empathetic actor. beautiful.
9.09.2007
24 oceans...
well, another year has come and gone. today i celebrate my 24th birthday. and it makes me think of the switchfoot song called "24". it's quite fitting for my life at the moment. slightly melancholy...yah. especially the line "24 finds me in 24th place". i'm not depressed but i have the feeling where i just don't have a place to go. that i'm stuck for at least a year. but i know that this year can bring a lot of growth. still, that doesn't mean it's going to be the most enjoyable.
i just feel stifled. my spirit is struggling to just let go, to retreat back to the years of my childhood where it was light-hearted and fancy free. :-) i've always enjoyed that expression.
i just feel stifled. my spirit is struggling to just let go, to retreat back to the years of my childhood where it was light-hearted and fancy free. :-) i've always enjoyed that expression.
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