things aren't always what they seem...

i'm sitting here, finally having a saturday off. i got up early, with chris, so that i could just take some time before going home to momma.
i was praying on my way to work last week and i came across some God-promptings in my mind. i was surprised by what i found, only another indication of how i've drifted from where i love to be with God.
an amy grant song drifted into my head while i was praying (i know it's amy grant, but she has her good moments). "all i ever have to be is what You've made me..."
i hurt myself day in and day out, staring into a mirror and being disappointed with myself, calling myself names. it's like i demoted myself back to the sixth grade. but all i ever have to be is what i've been made to be. i need to be okay with where i am right now, in life and in body. i need to stop thinking about how i would feel/be if i wasn't fat. because i am fat. and it's like an addiction. as soon as i stop fantasizing about who i want to be or how i want to look, i'll actually put that time into becoming who i want to be and how i want to look. it's a hard cycle to break, but necessary. but instead of saying i gained 10 pounds, i can say, well, i'm not 300 pounds yet. :-)
i'm watching PAY IT FORWARD with kevin spacey, and it does my heart so much good. i'm like trevor. i want to create a utopian society where everyone looks out for another person, instead of it always being about me being number one. it makes me cry real hard. because it makes me realize that i was made in this world for a reason but that my destination is not found here on earth.
and now, for current things on my mind: 1)my job. --this requires no elaboration because i don't want to ruin my day off! 2) latino. this is something i can't talk about with chris anymore, because he has come to draw his own conclusions on things. and they're sometimes accurate, but of course he's not as open to talking about it for fear of losing me. which won't happen, but i understand his unease about it all. i just greatly respect latino. he's changed with me. a lot. and he offers great guidance and wisdom. this makes me love him. i'm just not sure what kind of love it is. and right now i don't think that's important. only when prompted to think about that do i actually dwell upon it. all i know is that it's nice. and that i know he cares about me too. i told chris that he doesn't love me. i'm not for certain. i just said that to ease his mind. but i don't think he "marriage" loves me. and i think that's what is most important for chris to know. i don't know. i don't think it's even that big of a deal right now. it's just great having a friend, you know?
there are so many people who need loved in this world. i just hope that i can love the ones that i come into contact with every day. that's the one great thing about working in customer service. i see all kinds of people, every day, and it makes me understand the world a little bit more and see how much it's hurting. and that is when i'm given compassion. to share just for a little while.
i really love this movie. and i love kevin spacey. he's just an empathetic actor. beautiful.