big fat liar

i think i've gotten into the awful habit of occasionally lying to myself.
and i don't realize it until i have these super moments of clarity when i can see what exactly i'm doing, or what i'm missing. and then i just want to slap myself in the face.
i usually do.
i've lived fully for 23 & 3/4 years...and i wonder where i will be in 23 & 3/4 more.
wonder. it's a good thing to have. i think wonder inspires hope. if you forget to look at things through new eyes, you don't ever see anything new and then i think your hope begins to die.
i think that may be why it's so hard for me to work at the bank on some days. every morning, no matter from where i'm coming, once i walk through that door, i pick up my attitude and know that i will do my very best that day, and that i'm not always going to be there if i'm going to be unhappy. and yet, there are a couple young girls around me who are paid very well, who do their job very well, but seldom do i hear a positive or encouraging word uttered from their lips. maybe it's because they both have problems with each other. but regardless, this is no excuse to be so sour as soon as you walk through the door! they have a responsibility to set an example for themselves and for everyone else. do they not enjoy helping people every day? then LEAVE! do something you love! or deal with your life! because i seriously don't want to hear about something you don't take the time on to fix.
maybe that's me being insensitive or naive. i really just hope it's me being truthful. times are hard, things don't always work out the way you plan, but things can ALWAYS be worse! and they WILL be. so enjoy the moment for what it is! enjoy the breath you are taking in, even if it's suffocated with sweltering heat!
and i know i don't always take this advice. but i'm going to. starting right now. i will hold myself accountable for my attitude. God knows EXACTLY what He's doing. every minute of every day. and i need to learn how to trust that.

yep

so, i was about ready to just start spewing about a bunch of the things that are on my heart right now...because it's just been awhile. but they're probably things that i've already said before, and i just don't know how to change. so i'm not even gonna bother right now, because where i would usually say something? i'm just completely exhausted.

and so it begins (one week later)

i decided to change my life. and some of my habits. such as my eating habits.
i joined weight watchers after swallowing a lot of pride, fear, frustration, and (it goes without saying) food.
this whole week there's been a slight feeling of desperation because i keep thinking about chocolates and pastries AND I DON'T EVEN EAT SWEETS! how crazy is that?! i go from hating chocolate to thinking my body needs it. survival mode, anyone? but i feel good. i feel healthy. even if i did gain .6 of a pound. the leader said it was completely normal to gain up to 3 pounds the first week because your body is going through such a shock. this definitely lifted my spirits as i stepped off the scale earlier this evening.
however, i really don't think the meetings are for me. i'm definitely the youngest girl in the room, and all the crazy women talk about craving peanut butter, and about another handle of women RUSH to her rescue with suggestions until the anxiety attack passes. and i really don't want to get caught laughing at them...
so yeah...i think that's about all i have to say about that. updates soon to come.

why?

why are some people just...angry? or really irritable? i look around in their lives and i see nothing they are lacking. and yet they still remain belligerent and conceited. and just...always upset.
this concerns me. because i know that SOMETHING has to be wrong. maybe they're not being genuinely loved enough. maybe they have no control over the things going on around them and they feel so very desperate to maintain control over SOMETHING. which is their attitude. but you would THINK they would choose to be happy. but not all of them do.
i don't know really what brought this about. i guess i've just been thinking about it a lot lately. i've been thinking about how little things can literally destroy a person's ego or self-esteem. how an unkind word can rip another apart. the more i learn, the more i realize i still need to learn. SO desperately. God, please never let me take for granted the things/people/love i have in my life. i don't ever want to be bitter. or ungrateful.
thank you, God, for the reminder of your presence every day. whether it be in the HUGE puffy clouds in the sky, or the screaming children that run past my door. :-)
thank you for loving me enough to cushion when i fall. i love you. and i am trying to learn more about you day by day.
hahah...every time i use that phrase my heart goes back to all the memories of GODSPELL. i wish the very best for the second group taking it out. God knows, they're gonna need it to top last year's group. i'm not being cocky or conceited...just truthful...