slightly annoyed...

people.
they're all alike.
even though they say they're different.
sure, physically, we're all different. but i'm the same as everyone else.
i get hurt. i break down. and i try to hide it. even though i want someone to care.
for someone to see before i even say anything.
because then it feels like somewhere, there's someone who gets me.
someone who will just let me cry, not needing to know answers.
but who will just comfort me...

i feel like it just doesn't matter.
i try too hard, and it fails.
and then i don't try too hard, and i fail as a friend.
and then i just try...and it's not good enough.
i'm just tired.
how do you love a person who refuses to give you another chance?
or how does one mend a broken friendship, if every time you try to work on it, that person reminds you of all the crap you've done...or in this case, haven't done?

and there's nowhere to turn because i really don't care if anyone knows.
i've come to a point where i feel like it would be better to just leave it all alone
and to be swallowed up into some void.
but don't ask. because i won't tell you that.
i want to be fine, and so i think if i just keep pretending,
then all of these pretenses will become a reality for me.
and i'll drown myself in my work, and in my music.

pathetic, right?
but i'm just like everyone else.
with all these raw emotions that i can't control.
with a million thoughts running through my head,
and i just have no answers.
but i'll keep trying.
sometime i'm bound to get it right.

live the life you want to have...

while working at the GAP, though for a short period of time, i have come across some real gems. it just makes me hopeful of the world. unlike many think, i'm not a perpetual optimist, and sometimes i dwell in my disasters. but seeing these people, trying to do something with their lives, or looking past their failures, i don't know. it just does something.
and snow. snow always helps my outlook. you wouldn't really think it was a big deal...to ANYONE really. but it does to me. every time it snows, it makes me think of the metaphor about being clean as snow. as white as snow. snow gives me a peace...that is, unless i have to drive in it when the roads have yet to be cleaned. that leaves me NOT in peace.
i have so much more to say...but i think i'll wait until i am a little more aware of my surroundings.
it's a beautiful day...

learning to breathe...

so, i remember when things were easy. but now they're really hard. i have no money. i don't. at all. and i have another week until i get paid at all. the thing is, i have enough money to get to work...tomorrow. and then i'll have nothing. no gas. now i know right now i'm struggling. but i know i will get through it all. because i will not fail at life. i will struggle, but i will not be beaten. damn you, life. you will not get the better of me!
i have so much more to say...things about desperation and anxiety...but i know that if i talk about them right now, i will only become more desperate and anxious. therefore, these thoughts will have to wait...

happy new year?

wow. i never thought it would be so difficult to be optimistic...or to find joy. things are really rough. i can't handle my finances because i have no money. my mother got off the phone last night after yelling and then crying at me. my brother wants a present that i haven't bought him. GAP is closing, and i applied for a job at WALMART today. and my rent check may bounce because my bank thing is still messed up. yep, pretty hard to breathe.
and bringing in the new year? yeah, i was at a gay club, watching chris break up with nate (which was inevitably good), and was walked in on while going to the bathroom. then i let nate cry on my shoulder about everything in his life for probably an hour. and then we left and came home. i don't know. i have all these things running around in my head without resolution. i try to make my life better, but it's like there's this wall up all around me. maybe it's GOD saying that i'm doing all the wrong things and he doesn't want me here anymore. i really don't know. because i really haven't been a Christian in a while.
and that's where all the crap began. i just wish there was something that i could see that made sense. but there isn't. i expect too much, and then i expect too little. and i just am so bored with living the same life, day after day. i'm not where i want to be. i need something new. but is it really a good idea if i am spending all my money on rent and still wanting to go to ok city for grad school in 8 months? is this something that i can do? really? ugh. it's just so retarded. i want to learn to be independent and to take care of myself.
but, i think maybe i'll just go take a shower. wash off all the hate. boo awful new year! hooray beer! (nothing like white stripe beer commercials...)
ok. this, too, shall pass. it's gonna be alright.