happy new year?

wow. i never thought it would be so difficult to be optimistic...or to find joy. things are really rough. i can't handle my finances because i have no money. my mother got off the phone last night after yelling and then crying at me. my brother wants a present that i haven't bought him. GAP is closing, and i applied for a job at WALMART today. and my rent check may bounce because my bank thing is still messed up. yep, pretty hard to breathe.
and bringing in the new year? yeah, i was at a gay club, watching chris break up with nate (which was inevitably good), and was walked in on while going to the bathroom. then i let nate cry on my shoulder about everything in his life for probably an hour. and then we left and came home. i don't know. i have all these things running around in my head without resolution. i try to make my life better, but it's like there's this wall up all around me. maybe it's GOD saying that i'm doing all the wrong things and he doesn't want me here anymore. i really don't know. because i really haven't been a Christian in a while.
and that's where all the crap began. i just wish there was something that i could see that made sense. but there isn't. i expect too much, and then i expect too little. and i just am so bored with living the same life, day after day. i'm not where i want to be. i need something new. but is it really a good idea if i am spending all my money on rent and still wanting to go to ok city for grad school in 8 months? is this something that i can do? really? ugh. it's just so retarded. i want to learn to be independent and to take care of myself.
but, i think maybe i'll just go take a shower. wash off all the hate. boo awful new year! hooray beer! (nothing like white stripe beer commercials...)
ok. this, too, shall pass. it's gonna be alright.