love wash over...

man...love washes over me all the time. and i am overwhelmed. i always think about how dr.seuss said that the grinch's heart is two sizes too small...i think mine may be two sizes too big. which definitely causes me to feel things a lot more than others, or to cry over what others may consider "no big deal."
i've had a lot of good conversations with chris lately. much-needed ones, really. we've established that there's no reason for us to be friends. that it must be a God thing. because we don't share the commonalities that usually bond friends together. but it's like our friendship is a mission.
i think about the wedding toast he wrote for me. it is one of the most sacred things...it's like my very own love letter. the first of its kind. and i remember him crying as he read it to me. and he's not a crier, folks. talk about feeling privileged to see THAT vulnerability.
and then i came across something that i wrote for him a while back. i was cleaning his room and was refreshed to read this:

sometimes i look at you and wonder why God put you in my life. our bond has not always been easy. i have not always been thankful. i have not always understood. there have been times i've questioned its worth. why we even spoke; how we can share our deepest selves without fear. how we grew so much from each other. i've wondered why i've been angry, why i've been jealous, why i've discovered the deepest, darkest things about myself. and then i look at you... and it all makes sense. there is an undeniable, overwhelming presence just when i look at you. my heart opens, my mind is set at ease and i just long to be close to you. our hearts are crafted so closely. i sometimes wonder if God created our heart, our souls, in the same breath. designing it so that we would meet and spend this time together. not everyone can be so lucky.

and then there was this:

though i insist it, though i proclaim it, i don't love him. love is the absence of self. the absence of jealousy. the absence of expectation. and i constantly want to hear more about myself and what he thinks. and when he doesn't i feel offended and cut off. i want an affection...i demand a closeness. this isn't love! i'm so far from where i thought i was. i want to love him whole-heartedly, putting him before myself. my wants and wishes...sometimes it's there. i can feel it.

and as i read these things, i am amazed at how well i capture my true thoughts. because these things are still true. and i want to keep this guy with me through my entire life. he will be my bff. i couldn't imagine anyone helping me grow in the way he has. the difficulties have paid off. it has been so worth it. i have lived more in these few years, that i would have with any other friend. i have learned how to truly love someone...right where they are. and i know i talked crap about doing that all my life. but i actually HAVE done it.
i love chris, God. thank you so much for putting him in my life. as we continue on this same path for a little while, please...keep our bond in continual growth. and let us celebrate the differences. instead of pulling them apart.
i love you, Lord. you are so good to me.