so, yesterday was a very good day. chris and i went shopping for gifts for our little party happening tonight, and then we talked about nothing and everything. things that matter and things trivial. i will never tire from knowing more about him. he really helps me think about things. i have a couple hours before i have to start getting ready for work...so i thought i would share highlights of yesterday.
*we wrapped presents while watching some W&G...which is always something that bonds us a little more.
*we talked about his attractions to people, where he feels his love is in life...very vulnerable things.
*we sang together in the car (moulin rouge), and it made me love him as a performer...i think i may watch that as i get ready today.
*we made a whole meal! we made lasagne, cooked red potatoes, and delicious green beans! it was the first balanced meal we ever made, and we weren't hungry after! we were very content. hehehe
*and then we watched pearl harbor...or at least the first part of it. but we thought that since he had to get up so soon and since all we would do is cry through the rest of it and give ourselves puffy eyes for today, we would finish it later.
but...i love him. i really do. i'm content to live my life like this indefinitely. in his company. he makes me grow. i know there will never be anything romantic there (speaking of which, i think the upstair neighbors are having sex! ew.)...but this time invested has been for all the right reasons. and we know we can always help each other. yes, we are completely different people. but in this case, it helps. el fin.
12.30.2006
12.22.2006
a dose of emerson wisdom...
to laugh often & much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch...to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. this is to have succeeded!
he really inspires me. i think if i ever have money for myself, outside of survival (i.e. gas/grocery money), i will go to B&N and buy a trusty book of emerson essays. maybe i'll have a little christmas money left over and i'll go buy it. but either way, i'm sure there's a way to find his stuff online. because joni mitchell is still calling my name. and she was calling it first...and has been calling it for a LONG time. oh well. life isn't about things, you know, Dana? sheesh.
in other news, michael's home from china! i'm so happy! i'll have to make a trip home to hang out with him or something. or maybe we'll go out and do something? man, i haven't seen him in a LONG time. it's so sad. i have such a love for him. and i really don't know a lot about what makes him who he is. but my heart is just taken with him.
and ALSO in other news, i'm basically playing the part of dave right now. i've basically moved in for the holiday break. it's gotten a lot easier with chris too. and we've had to deal with quite a bit throughout this time. but it's just...easy. and makes me feel a little more comfortable about living with him soon. in less than a year. crazy. and we might be living in okcity. even crazier! but it's a better starting city than NY...even though that's the eventual goal. but you know, i will go wherever i'm taken. location isn't a big deal to me. at this point in my life. and maybe it will be someday. so while it isn't i need to take advantage of it! yes? of course, yes.
christmas is in 3 days. and i haven't bought gifts for anyone. i told eric that i had bought our gift for mom. but that was a lie. i have no money. therefore, i have not bought it yet. but i just figured that i would blame it on shipping. boo for having no substantial money right now. but my next paycheck. that'll be a good one. and i still need to be on the lookout for another job, since the GAP is closing. superlame. and superscary. i can't ask people for money. i refuse. i did it for a couple months and just felt awful. so yeah, i need to find a good place. i'll work myself to death. and i can handle it right now because i have VOWED that it will not be like this ALWAYS!
okay, i am going to clean now...and shave my legs. and just lounge. and drink the rest of keeley's grapejuice. it's so addictive. maybe i'll make and IOU list. hehe. or not.
he really inspires me. i think if i ever have money for myself, outside of survival (i.e. gas/grocery money), i will go to B&N and buy a trusty book of emerson essays. maybe i'll have a little christmas money left over and i'll go buy it. but either way, i'm sure there's a way to find his stuff online. because joni mitchell is still calling my name. and she was calling it first...and has been calling it for a LONG time. oh well. life isn't about things, you know, Dana? sheesh.
in other news, michael's home from china! i'm so happy! i'll have to make a trip home to hang out with him or something. or maybe we'll go out and do something? man, i haven't seen him in a LONG time. it's so sad. i have such a love for him. and i really don't know a lot about what makes him who he is. but my heart is just taken with him.
and ALSO in other news, i'm basically playing the part of dave right now. i've basically moved in for the holiday break. it's gotten a lot easier with chris too. and we've had to deal with quite a bit throughout this time. but it's just...easy. and makes me feel a little more comfortable about living with him soon. in less than a year. crazy. and we might be living in okcity. even crazier! but it's a better starting city than NY...even though that's the eventual goal. but you know, i will go wherever i'm taken. location isn't a big deal to me. at this point in my life. and maybe it will be someday. so while it isn't i need to take advantage of it! yes? of course, yes.
christmas is in 3 days. and i haven't bought gifts for anyone. i told eric that i had bought our gift for mom. but that was a lie. i have no money. therefore, i have not bought it yet. but i just figured that i would blame it on shipping. boo for having no substantial money right now. but my next paycheck. that'll be a good one. and i still need to be on the lookout for another job, since the GAP is closing. superlame. and superscary. i can't ask people for money. i refuse. i did it for a couple months and just felt awful. so yeah, i need to find a good place. i'll work myself to death. and i can handle it right now because i have VOWED that it will not be like this ALWAYS!
okay, i am going to clean now...and shave my legs. and just lounge. and drink the rest of keeley's grapejuice. it's so addictive. maybe i'll make and IOU list. hehe. or not.
12.16.2006
love wash over...
man...love washes over me all the time. and i am overwhelmed. i always think about how dr.seuss said that the grinch's heart is two sizes too small...i think mine may be two sizes too big. which definitely causes me to feel things a lot more than others, or to cry over what others may consider "no big deal."
i've had a lot of good conversations with chris lately. much-needed ones, really. we've established that there's no reason for us to be friends. that it must be a God thing. because we don't share the commonalities that usually bond friends together. but it's like our friendship is a mission.
i think about the wedding toast he wrote for me. it is one of the most sacred things...it's like my very own love letter. the first of its kind. and i remember him crying as he read it to me. and he's not a crier, folks. talk about feeling privileged to see THAT vulnerability.
and then i came across something that i wrote for him a while back. i was cleaning his room and was refreshed to read this:
sometimes i look at you and wonder why God put you in my life. our bond has not always been easy. i have not always been thankful. i have not always understood. there have been times i've questioned its worth. why we even spoke; how we can share our deepest selves without fear. how we grew so much from each other. i've wondered why i've been angry, why i've been jealous, why i've discovered the deepest, darkest things about myself. and then i look at you... and it all makes sense. there is an undeniable, overwhelming presence just when i look at you. my heart opens, my mind is set at ease and i just long to be close to you. our hearts are crafted so closely. i sometimes wonder if God created our heart, our souls, in the same breath. designing it so that we would meet and spend this time together. not everyone can be so lucky.
and then there was this:
though i insist it, though i proclaim it, i don't love him. love is the absence of self. the absence of jealousy. the absence of expectation. and i constantly want to hear more about myself and what he thinks. and when he doesn't i feel offended and cut off. i want an affection...i demand a closeness. this isn't love! i'm so far from where i thought i was. i want to love him whole-heartedly, putting him before myself. my wants and wishes...sometimes it's there. i can feel it.
and as i read these things, i am amazed at how well i capture my true thoughts. because these things are still true. and i want to keep this guy with me through my entire life. he will be my bff. i couldn't imagine anyone helping me grow in the way he has. the difficulties have paid off. it has been so worth it. i have lived more in these few years, that i would have with any other friend. i have learned how to truly love someone...right where they are. and i know i talked crap about doing that all my life. but i actually HAVE done it.
i love chris, God. thank you so much for putting him in my life. as we continue on this same path for a little while, please...keep our bond in continual growth. and let us celebrate the differences. instead of pulling them apart.
i love you, Lord. you are so good to me.
i've had a lot of good conversations with chris lately. much-needed ones, really. we've established that there's no reason for us to be friends. that it must be a God thing. because we don't share the commonalities that usually bond friends together. but it's like our friendship is a mission.
i think about the wedding toast he wrote for me. it is one of the most sacred things...it's like my very own love letter. the first of its kind. and i remember him crying as he read it to me. and he's not a crier, folks. talk about feeling privileged to see THAT vulnerability.
and then i came across something that i wrote for him a while back. i was cleaning his room and was refreshed to read this:
sometimes i look at you and wonder why God put you in my life. our bond has not always been easy. i have not always been thankful. i have not always understood. there have been times i've questioned its worth. why we even spoke; how we can share our deepest selves without fear. how we grew so much from each other. i've wondered why i've been angry, why i've been jealous, why i've discovered the deepest, darkest things about myself. and then i look at you... and it all makes sense. there is an undeniable, overwhelming presence just when i look at you. my heart opens, my mind is set at ease and i just long to be close to you. our hearts are crafted so closely. i sometimes wonder if God created our heart, our souls, in the same breath. designing it so that we would meet and spend this time together. not everyone can be so lucky.
and then there was this:
though i insist it, though i proclaim it, i don't love him. love is the absence of self. the absence of jealousy. the absence of expectation. and i constantly want to hear more about myself and what he thinks. and when he doesn't i feel offended and cut off. i want an affection...i demand a closeness. this isn't love! i'm so far from where i thought i was. i want to love him whole-heartedly, putting him before myself. my wants and wishes...sometimes it's there. i can feel it.
and as i read these things, i am amazed at how well i capture my true thoughts. because these things are still true. and i want to keep this guy with me through my entire life. he will be my bff. i couldn't imagine anyone helping me grow in the way he has. the difficulties have paid off. it has been so worth it. i have lived more in these few years, that i would have with any other friend. i have learned how to truly love someone...right where they are. and i know i talked crap about doing that all my life. but i actually HAVE done it.
i love chris, God. thank you so much for putting him in my life. as we continue on this same path for a little while, please...keep our bond in continual growth. and let us celebrate the differences. instead of pulling them apart.
i love you, Lord. you are so good to me.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
