jackary linus clouse von pfeffer

it does not matter what is going on in my head or my heart. jack is always there as a comfort and a source of joy and entertainment. he never lets me down. God bless Jack. (my black lab)

love is loaded

today has been a day of discovery.
i'll try to write later about this, because right now i'm just too exhausted from it all...

happy new year!

well, another year has come and gone.
and i didn't really need to set a lot of "new year resolutions" because i've been working on them for the past three months. that's encouraging. :-)

slow & steady wins the race.

sometimes i forget

there was a whispering in my ear today. in the midst of a lot of occupational turmoil, i was told there would be clear skies tonight. i thought i would go for a walk and try to remember to look up at the stars.

and i did.

i got home, and though it was chilly, i took the time to just bask in the glory. troubles vanished, thoughts dissipated, and it was just me and God and all his magnificent creation. and i worshiped.

sometimes i forget that though i breathe day in and day out (praise God), i am not in control. this breath that i breathe is a present. what happens if i don't wake up tomorrow? what if this is my very last night? why kill myself with the problems i can't change? why worry myself to death when the very thing that i can do most and best is to pray? God will guide me through the darkness. "yea, even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i fear no evil, for Thou art with me."

jealousy/anger/fear has a way of creeping up on me and swallowing every good thought. instead of being overjoyed that a person may have found love, these thieves will turn the feelings of happiness into cynicism and nagging questions of "when will it be MY turn? why doesn't he love ME? cry cry cry, sniffle sniffle sniffle." and i'm just tired of being like that. where's my heart? and when did it get so far off track?

life could be so much worse. i need to be thankful for the things i am fortunate enough to have, take the bad with the good, and not get caught up in all the extra junk that ultimately has no effect on my life.

*sigh* sweet dreams.

where?

where does God want me?

i can tell that it's not in Indiana, but i'm making the best of it for the time being.
i feel like my judgment has gotten clouded and i can't decipher what He may be saying to me. it used to be easy, but then i had to start "growing up" and somewhere, i lost the ability to hear those graceful promptings. i must set aside time for quiet, because right now it's killing me to not have the ease of silence.

chris recently added a post about all the options he has for the coming future...and while i'm sure i can say "the sky is the limit", i feel the sky is a lot shorter than i had imagined. it's like all the blue is down around me ears and i'm suffocating. now, this is going to be a list of things i don't want; this may or may not line up with where i am called...
i don't want to be wrapped up in a state with no beauty. sure, some can say you can find beauty if you look for it. but i really don't want to look anymore. i want something new and fresh. i don't want to be landlocked.
i was looking at apartments all up and down the coasts and while there were some BEAUTIFUL apartments, i'm not prepared to sacrifice my body parts limb after limb in order to pay rent every month. welcome to the feeling of unwelcomed entrapment.

there is also the option of saving more money and moving down to tennessee and living close to/with my mom...but it's different now because she's remarried and has a completely new life. and while it's great for her, i've never been very good at sharing my mother...which i think is why it's been easier for me to just let her go while i stay here. carl is a good man and treats her better than she's ever been treated in her lifetime. i'm grateful, but i think it's good for them to have their first year all to themselves.

work is mundane and unfulfilling, and the only thing keeping me there is its steadiness, and just the sheer thankfulness i feel for still having a job while so much of the population is being laid off. and i am a person who needs to feel appreciated or at least affirmed that i'm doing an ok job. i don't need tons of accolades, but an acknowledgment. i just feel like a whiny baby any time i address these issues, because as i said, i'm fortunate to still have an income...should that be accolades enough?

i haven't looked into grad school because i simply don't know. when i can't hear God's voice telling me what to do, and when prayer isn't bringing me the 100% answers (yes, my faith is shaken lately), i just sit here, on my bed, with the only comforting thing being how Jack loves me no matter what and wants to be by my side. i think he can sense that i'm just having a rough patch of it.

i don't have the answers. i don't know where i'm to go. it's almost january. our lease is up in april. and i just...want a new beginning in some form. to shed some (or all) of the anger/resentment/sadness that has been crowding my heart these past few months. these inner battles grow stronger and stronger and i know i'm not going to lose, but there sure have been some dark spots.

my hopes and dreams are unsteady, but i feel they would be revived with the ocean's view from my window or the mountains in which i could lose myself...or get eaten by bears :-)...i want to be closer to God. i need every day to be a beautiful sunrise or sunset. i need to see His beauty. because the ordinary...it's just not working anymore.

pray for my spirit. it's never felt this heavy before.

lovey & twinkle-eyed

how does christmas music possess such a power to make me just want to sway and dance? i'm home alone right now, (besides jack being my dancing fool of a partner. he loves it.) and i feel like i'm home. like my mom may be in the room over, my brother and dad maybe down the street. and that gramma & grampa are a short drive to see.

the aura of love is surrounding, and everything feels okay, even if only for the length of a carol or two. hahaha, and here is nsync: "merry christmas...happy holiday" hehehee

if i could make a burnt CD for the whole world to hear, this would be the one. it'd be the best way to share love around the world. i wonder how i can make this happen...
well, here's a start: send me your address, and i'll mail you one. no matter who you are, whether i know you or not.

merry christmas season. and as my mom's little lapel pin says on her winter coat without fail "Jesus is the reason for the season."
and as Tiny Tim says "God bless us, everyone."

"i don't wanna be Jesus"

i just awoke from the strangest dream. i will do what i can to keep it in its entire true form and describe it as vividly as i felt it.

i was back on the huntington campus to visit some friends, but as i started walking around, i realized that i didn't know anyone. i was looking for pose, or hayley, or deanna...anyone, really. but i kept walking through the cold, without a coat, the beauty and music of the campus gone, until i got into the library (which had a Subway sandwich station inside). now as i walked in, there were these booths that people were sitting in reading. and as soon as i started to look around, i saw this little girl pop up on top of the counter with her face painted white along with a single tear (one of the very popular mime faces, of course). and she started dancing. like kristen dances. just very graceful and sweeping with lots of emotion and without music. it was like the music was inside this girl and she wanted it to come out for everyone to hear it. i saw that she was just so sad. then, in walks bill fisher who is staring at the girl, at no one else. he rips her down off the counter and she kind of folds in two and then he drags her out of there into his office. at seeing this i was completely astonished and had no idea what to think of what was going on, and kristen walks in. i tell her about what had just happened and she said "i know; that's how i got this." and she raised up the entire back of her shirt to reveal this spine-length scar. i just mouth an "oh" and didn't address it any further.
i knew i needed to save this girl. so i walked to bill's office so hear no screaming, no fighting or flailing. just silence. and as i peered through the windows of his office, i saw all my friends in these bottles. (like the size of nalgene bottles but shaped like old-school coke bottles.) this is where i find pose, and hayley, and deanna, and drew wutke, and many more of my music friends as well. my breath was taken away and all i could do was stare until kristen broke this trance by saying, "i fought. that's why i'm here and not in one of those jars. they all tried, but he's very strong. he doesn't like passion."
out of sheer disbelief, and then panic, i start to run out of the HUB and toward the new dorm building, to seek some type of refuge from this craziness. and as i ran i got hit in the back of the leg with a rock by bill. (this ended up giving me a charlie horse in my sleep.) but i was too far ahead and was safely inside the dorms (it was like i was a gypsy crying out for 'sanctuary' from the madness outside. note: i did watch Hunchback Of Notre Dame this week.)
now as soon as i arrived inside, it was like i was in a museum built for art. but there was no art. no paintings. no statues. nothing on the walls. so i took out these pastel paints from my back pocket, along with a rolled-up piece of parchment from under my right arm. i laid them out and began to paint with these broad, rich strokes colors of brilliance and warmth. i was painting this knowing that it was meant to bring beauty and love into this place. to show that i would protect those who were persecuted and shelter those who couldn't shelter themselves. and i kept painting, painting faster and faster until from behind, i was jerked up, away and folded in half, being dragged backwards as the little girl had been, staring at the tiles as they quickly swept past me. i was terrified, because i didn't want to become a capture in a trophy bottle. but i didn't struggle. i didn't try to free myself. bill threw me into a corner of the museum's room to trap me. and as he inched closer and closer, i saw people walking all around, to and from classes, and so i yelled out for some help. but no one stopped. all their faces were cast down, solemn and grave. as bill flew toward me, i pushed up with my feet and kept going higher and higher every time bill lunged until i got caught on this nail that was jutting out from the wall and once i was stuck there, bill smiled satisfactorily, admiring his work, and walked away.
still people walked by, but they didn't stop. they didn't speak. they didn't look up. and i was up there, resigned to the fact that i would remain here because no one could see. i couldn't breathe.
and it slowly morphed into a hillside, where there were two other nails on either side of me in the room. two were hanging as i was and no one dared to take us down. and then, i felt like i was Jesus. there was suddenly a mass of people around, doing nothing to help me and i knew i was to die here. no one cared. no one understood. and i was devastated. my heart grew heavy along with my eyelids, and i knew i was to die. i just wanted people to understand what love means. that anywhere, love can be found. and then, i cried softly "i don't wanna be Jesus."

i woke up in a sweat, tired and stiff, but i couldn't go back to sleep. i started telling the dream to chris and i couldn't hold back my emotions. it just puts things into more of a perspective for me...