so, i went to the carmel-clay public library....mmm, i love libraries. all the education in one building. all the endless card catalogs. it's like home. only...not.
amidst all the choices of audio selections, i found the lovely soundtrack of FINDING NEVERLAND. not only does it bring me fond memories of watching this movie for the first time, but it reminds me of GODSPELL summer. and the sickness that i was assured would remove me from this earth.
hahaha...i remember being on a stripped-bare dorm mattress with a snuggly blanket and pillow, slipping in and out of consciousness, mumbling and moaning, drinking powerade and downing vicodin. having a few phone conversations with chris that i never remembered having. i chose to watch this movie FINDING NEVERLAND, but i'm pretty sure i still have only seen parts of it. though i have the motif of the DVD menu etched into my memory forever. i would wake up, push play, pass out, and wake up to the menu recycling the motif over and over. i remember eric church's pumas as he sat on THE PIANO HOUSE's futon, his satchel of movies; i remember pose having a bout of sickness as well, failing to make it to the bathroom and back and chose just to lie down in the middle of the hallway where we gargled disjunct conversation back and forth till one or both of us dozed off. and cara running in (literally) with her mouth and nose covered yelling "i'm moving into the Late House!" and running back out with a handful of clothes to wear. to this day i don't really remember how long i was down with the wretched disaster. a week maybe? and i only remember taking two vicodin....hmm...
but i do know that it will be a very long time (if ever) before i will drink blue powerade again.
but FINDING NEVERLAND...a most beautifully composed movie score.
9.30.2008
oh, bernadette...
watch this video. now.
i remember strolling along the youtube universe and stopping at this beautiful gem. i cannot imagine what musical theatre would have been like for all aspiring actresses without this woman. sure, you'd still have your idina's and sherie's...but i have yet to hear anyone be so consistent in both recordings and live performances. and the emotion! of course, i live for emotion. at least on the stage. sometimes it seems like everything can be said better from the stage. it makes you understand a little more clearly, bringing you poignant moments of liberation. and in this small, small clip, you don't listen for the imperfections in her voice, to make sure her vowels are rounded and that her posture is supportive of good sound. you just watch her face. the feeling that is there...is heart-wrenching and beautiful.
i know i'm somewhat alone in my love for bernadette. she's not in our "generation of musical theatre acceptance" at all. i mean, after all, she is 60. 60!! but i sure do hope that i sound as seasoned and as polished as she does when i turn 60.
it is amazing what God gives us. he never leaves us without a medium of communicating to others. if you can't speak definitively, he'll make you a painter, or a pianist, or a passionate vocalist. and then everything you do with your art will be your voice. i love how it all works out. glory.
(sigh) God bless Bernadette.
i remember strolling along the youtube universe and stopping at this beautiful gem. i cannot imagine what musical theatre would have been like for all aspiring actresses without this woman. sure, you'd still have your idina's and sherie's...but i have yet to hear anyone be so consistent in both recordings and live performances. and the emotion! of course, i live for emotion. at least on the stage. sometimes it seems like everything can be said better from the stage. it makes you understand a little more clearly, bringing you poignant moments of liberation. and in this small, small clip, you don't listen for the imperfections in her voice, to make sure her vowels are rounded and that her posture is supportive of good sound. you just watch her face. the feeling that is there...is heart-wrenching and beautiful.
i know i'm somewhat alone in my love for bernadette. she's not in our "generation of musical theatre acceptance" at all. i mean, after all, she is 60. 60!! but i sure do hope that i sound as seasoned and as polished as she does when i turn 60.
it is amazing what God gives us. he never leaves us without a medium of communicating to others. if you can't speak definitively, he'll make you a painter, or a pianist, or a passionate vocalist. and then everything you do with your art will be your voice. i love how it all works out. glory.
(sigh) God bless Bernadette.
9.29.2008
"has to be, HAS to be!!"
rebekah posegate: known lovingly to many as "pose", this girl has a way of making my spirit dance.
for the first time in a couple months, i got to see her up in huntington while chris rehearsed some songs with another dear one, abi. it's always funny when we first start talking because we just kind of smile and "yeah" a lot. lots of nodding and haha's...we aren't big talkers together.
i remember during GODSPELL summer, one of the reasons that i loved our house was because cara, pose, and i were quiet. and it worked well. it's not because we didn't want to talk to one another. or that we HATED one another. i think we just enjoyed the silence after having all those rambunctious rehearsals and performances. some of my best moments of communion happened with those girls.
in the times where we DID actually talk, there was no boredom. we'd talk about hopes and dreams and thoughts on life. we'd enjoy bubble tea and the calm.
and seeing her at huntington this time was no different. after we got through all the giggles and formalities of "what's new", we broke open to both our hearts and just let them sit out on the table in the MCA's room 106. again, we talked about life, hopes and dreams, and enjoyed the short time of calm and okayness. i wish i had this girl forever in my life. she's a jewel.
we talked about our future plans, about kristen in L.A., the loves of our life. we talked about silly things and important things. just so good.
mmm...so good.
love that girl.
(there's tons more that can be said about this girl, but honestly...the blog post would never end.)
for the first time in a couple months, i got to see her up in huntington while chris rehearsed some songs with another dear one, abi. it's always funny when we first start talking because we just kind of smile and "yeah" a lot. lots of nodding and haha's...we aren't big talkers together.
i remember during GODSPELL summer, one of the reasons that i loved our house was because cara, pose, and i were quiet. and it worked well. it's not because we didn't want to talk to one another. or that we HATED one another. i think we just enjoyed the silence after having all those rambunctious rehearsals and performances. some of my best moments of communion happened with those girls.
in the times where we DID actually talk, there was no boredom. we'd talk about hopes and dreams and thoughts on life. we'd enjoy bubble tea and the calm.
and seeing her at huntington this time was no different. after we got through all the giggles and formalities of "what's new", we broke open to both our hearts and just let them sit out on the table in the MCA's room 106. again, we talked about life, hopes and dreams, and enjoyed the short time of calm and okayness. i wish i had this girl forever in my life. she's a jewel.
we talked about our future plans, about kristen in L.A., the loves of our life. we talked about silly things and important things. just so good.
mmm...so good.
love that girl.
(there's tons more that can be said about this girl, but honestly...the blog post would never end.)
9.02.2008
if you hold it too close, you'll lose it...
it's funny how you can hear a song years before you'll understand its relevance...
today i was listening to some older music of rebecca st.james, just by chance, and i came across a song that speaks about the worries of life, what's to become of it, what i'm supposed to do with it, and the like...and the chorus rang true to me:
"don't worry about your life 'cause if you hold it too close, you'll lose it."
and that's basically what i've been doing for the past couple years...and instead of living life, i've just let time slip by, wondering when my life will start, when i'll start my life-long mission...
but i'm in it. i'm doing it right now. every day is a new mission. every day there are chances upon chances to see God's direction in my life. but i keep waiting for something bigger.
i think a lot about how all i'm doing is being a retail manager, forcibly convincing people with little money to spend beyond their means, coaxing them into applying for credit cards, inevitably setting them up for credit failure or more unneeded distress. i know this isn't where i'm supposed to spend the rest of my time...
and then, along with rebecca's words, today i strolled across a dear friend's facebook site to pick up another empowering piece:
If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well.
finding the extraordinary in the ordinary.
it's amazing how my faith has come full circle. there were months upon months where i doubted, i questioned, and i had no answers. i neglected the church, i neglected many Godly perspectives because i didn't want to believe just to believe. or practice just to practice. and now, i'm thirsty again. i'm hungry for Truth. every sunday i work makes me more and more desperate for a spiritual nourishment. and i realize now, that i am at war. far greater than any earthly war. and i want to win.
oh, God...help.
today i was listening to some older music of rebecca st.james, just by chance, and i came across a song that speaks about the worries of life, what's to become of it, what i'm supposed to do with it, and the like...and the chorus rang true to me:
"don't worry about your life 'cause if you hold it too close, you'll lose it."
and that's basically what i've been doing for the past couple years...and instead of living life, i've just let time slip by, wondering when my life will start, when i'll start my life-long mission...
but i'm in it. i'm doing it right now. every day is a new mission. every day there are chances upon chances to see God's direction in my life. but i keep waiting for something bigger.
i think a lot about how all i'm doing is being a retail manager, forcibly convincing people with little money to spend beyond their means, coaxing them into applying for credit cards, inevitably setting them up for credit failure or more unneeded distress. i know this isn't where i'm supposed to spend the rest of my time...
and then, along with rebecca's words, today i strolled across a dear friend's facebook site to pick up another empowering piece:
If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well.
finding the extraordinary in the ordinary.
it's amazing how my faith has come full circle. there were months upon months where i doubted, i questioned, and i had no answers. i neglected the church, i neglected many Godly perspectives because i didn't want to believe just to believe. or practice just to practice. and now, i'm thirsty again. i'm hungry for Truth. every sunday i work makes me more and more desperate for a spiritual nourishment. and i realize now, that i am at war. far greater than any earthly war. and i want to win.
oh, God...help.
8.17.2008
to build a home
how appropriate that i recently found a song called "to build a home".
today was a fantastic day, again helping me to realize the reasons i was put here on this planet.
early, early this morning a group of american eagle managers (and a few associates) helped to build five houses for habitat for humanity; two for hamilton county and three for hurricane katrina victims in new orleans. it was sponsored by a church that holds a lot of clout in the community. so a few opening inspirational words were to be said at 8:30 and then all the hammering would commence. well, seeing as a lot of men were the heads of the teams, a lot of hammering started as soon as they had the tools and wood in hand. 8:30 rolls around and the head pastor gets up to say a few words about which woods get certain nails, blahblahblah...and then he asked us all to bow our heads for a word of prayer.
and all the sound stopped. all sound. silence and quiet. it was the greatest example of how everyone is drawn to commune with God. and then as soon as the amens came, the hammering began exactly where it had left off. absolutely comforting, that moment.
then, throughout the hours, frustrations came and went, and fatigue began to set in. but finally, we were all done. one house was put together for publicity shots and the like. and it was just so fantastic to see how every small piece of wall could be put together to make a home.
then it was time for the dedication ceremony for the two families who would be getting the houses in hamilton county. both were single mothers. one (mrs.sanchez) had three daughters, probably in their mid-teens. the other (dawn) had a tiny, little girl named olivia. and when the habitat for humanity leader asked if the little girl had anything to say, she pointed to the wooden frame that was freshly erected and said excitedly and very matter-of-factly, "that's my house! that's MY house!"
and i lost it. and all the mother could get out was a 'thank you', as she swept up her daughter in her arms, knowing that all the hard times were going to be washed away in these last tears.
and everything inside of me went crazy. there is a fire within me. and i will not put it out. because i don't want to put it out. i want to make a difference in this world. and it has started by building houses.
and even though i had to work after and close the store, i just stood around all night, thinking about olivia. how she would have her very own room, how her mother would have cupboards for all the groceries, and thinking how all those walls were built with love and sweat and the hopes of a new future.
God bless Habitat for Humanity.
God bless Mrs.Sanchez and her daughters.
God bless Dawn and little Olivia.
"that's my house! that's MY house!"
i wish everyone in the world could have seen that little girl's face.
today was a fantastic day, again helping me to realize the reasons i was put here on this planet.
early, early this morning a group of american eagle managers (and a few associates) helped to build five houses for habitat for humanity; two for hamilton county and three for hurricane katrina victims in new orleans. it was sponsored by a church that holds a lot of clout in the community. so a few opening inspirational words were to be said at 8:30 and then all the hammering would commence. well, seeing as a lot of men were the heads of the teams, a lot of hammering started as soon as they had the tools and wood in hand. 8:30 rolls around and the head pastor gets up to say a few words about which woods get certain nails, blahblahblah...and then he asked us all to bow our heads for a word of prayer.
and all the sound stopped. all sound. silence and quiet. it was the greatest example of how everyone is drawn to commune with God. and then as soon as the amens came, the hammering began exactly where it had left off. absolutely comforting, that moment.
then, throughout the hours, frustrations came and went, and fatigue began to set in. but finally, we were all done. one house was put together for publicity shots and the like. and it was just so fantastic to see how every small piece of wall could be put together to make a home.
then it was time for the dedication ceremony for the two families who would be getting the houses in hamilton county. both were single mothers. one (mrs.sanchez) had three daughters, probably in their mid-teens. the other (dawn) had a tiny, little girl named olivia. and when the habitat for humanity leader asked if the little girl had anything to say, she pointed to the wooden frame that was freshly erected and said excitedly and very matter-of-factly, "that's my house! that's MY house!"
and i lost it. and all the mother could get out was a 'thank you', as she swept up her daughter in her arms, knowing that all the hard times were going to be washed away in these last tears.
and everything inside of me went crazy. there is a fire within me. and i will not put it out. because i don't want to put it out. i want to make a difference in this world. and it has started by building houses.
and even though i had to work after and close the store, i just stood around all night, thinking about olivia. how she would have her very own room, how her mother would have cupboards for all the groceries, and thinking how all those walls were built with love and sweat and the hopes of a new future.
God bless Habitat for Humanity.
God bless Mrs.Sanchez and her daughters.
God bless Dawn and little Olivia.
"that's my house! that's MY house!"
i wish everyone in the world could have seen that little girl's face.
8.07.2008
the big move.
well, not too big, but for me, kinda big. i've lived in northern indiana all my life. and though i have felt pulled to go everywhere all at once, i am remaining in indiana. but have moved more central. to the nice little area of carmel. it seems nice, it looks nice, and it's nice to have my dear friend lynsi griffin as a next door neighbor.
now, if i can get the rest of my life to start lining up for me, i think i'll be fantastic!
now my body just needs some time to recuperate. i moved on sunday and monday and then it was straight to work yesterday and today. thankfully i was smart enough to take a PTO day for tomorrow...because i feel pretty dead right now. everything just needs to lay in the bed just a bit longer.
nothing new other than the move though. the prospects are promising...
now, if i can get the rest of my life to start lining up for me, i think i'll be fantastic!
now my body just needs some time to recuperate. i moved on sunday and monday and then it was straight to work yesterday and today. thankfully i was smart enough to take a PTO day for tomorrow...because i feel pretty dead right now. everything just needs to lay in the bed just a bit longer.
nothing new other than the move though. the prospects are promising...
8.01.2008
kacy & riley
today i felt very humbled. all the problems i carry on my shoulders suddenly lost their gravity.
a young mother along with her not even two-year-old daughter in a stroller came in today, shopping like everyone else. kacy had a cute, short haircut, and her baby riley was quiet and unassuming with her big blue eyes. same love and affection, same playful relationship.
one thing that set them apart: both kacy and riley had more than 70% of their upper bodies covered in scars from what i can only assume was a terrible fire or a car accident. little riley had the tiniest pink cast on her left arm and disfigurations on her left.
how do these things happen? when, where, why?
all i know is that it was like seeing the hands of God. those two children of Jesus just browsing the clearance rounders, in their own special place, immune to all the pitiful on-lookers like myself. they're happy to be alive. God bless them. truly.
a young mother along with her not even two-year-old daughter in a stroller came in today, shopping like everyone else. kacy had a cute, short haircut, and her baby riley was quiet and unassuming with her big blue eyes. same love and affection, same playful relationship.
one thing that set them apart: both kacy and riley had more than 70% of their upper bodies covered in scars from what i can only assume was a terrible fire or a car accident. little riley had the tiniest pink cast on her left arm and disfigurations on her left.
how do these things happen? when, where, why?
all i know is that it was like seeing the hands of God. those two children of Jesus just browsing the clearance rounders, in their own special place, immune to all the pitiful on-lookers like myself. they're happy to be alive. God bless them. truly.
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