sometimes i forget

there was a whispering in my ear today. in the midst of a lot of occupational turmoil, i was told there would be clear skies tonight. i thought i would go for a walk and try to remember to look up at the stars.

and i did.

i got home, and though it was chilly, i took the time to just bask in the glory. troubles vanished, thoughts dissipated, and it was just me and God and all his magnificent creation. and i worshiped.

sometimes i forget that though i breathe day in and day out (praise God), i am not in control. this breath that i breathe is a present. what happens if i don't wake up tomorrow? what if this is my very last night? why kill myself with the problems i can't change? why worry myself to death when the very thing that i can do most and best is to pray? God will guide me through the darkness. "yea, even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i fear no evil, for Thou art with me."

jealousy/anger/fear has a way of creeping up on me and swallowing every good thought. instead of being overjoyed that a person may have found love, these thieves will turn the feelings of happiness into cynicism and nagging questions of "when will it be MY turn? why doesn't he love ME? cry cry cry, sniffle sniffle sniffle." and i'm just tired of being like that. where's my heart? and when did it get so far off track?

life could be so much worse. i need to be thankful for the things i am fortunate enough to have, take the bad with the good, and not get caught up in all the extra junk that ultimately has no effect on my life.

*sigh* sweet dreams.

where?

where does God want me?

i can tell that it's not in Indiana, but i'm making the best of it for the time being.
i feel like my judgment has gotten clouded and i can't decipher what He may be saying to me. it used to be easy, but then i had to start "growing up" and somewhere, i lost the ability to hear those graceful promptings. i must set aside time for quiet, because right now it's killing me to not have the ease of silence.

chris recently added a post about all the options he has for the coming future...and while i'm sure i can say "the sky is the limit", i feel the sky is a lot shorter than i had imagined. it's like all the blue is down around me ears and i'm suffocating. now, this is going to be a list of things i don't want; this may or may not line up with where i am called...
i don't want to be wrapped up in a state with no beauty. sure, some can say you can find beauty if you look for it. but i really don't want to look anymore. i want something new and fresh. i don't want to be landlocked.
i was looking at apartments all up and down the coasts and while there were some BEAUTIFUL apartments, i'm not prepared to sacrifice my body parts limb after limb in order to pay rent every month. welcome to the feeling of unwelcomed entrapment.

there is also the option of saving more money and moving down to tennessee and living close to/with my mom...but it's different now because she's remarried and has a completely new life. and while it's great for her, i've never been very good at sharing my mother...which i think is why it's been easier for me to just let her go while i stay here. carl is a good man and treats her better than she's ever been treated in her lifetime. i'm grateful, but i think it's good for them to have their first year all to themselves.

work is mundane and unfulfilling, and the only thing keeping me there is its steadiness, and just the sheer thankfulness i feel for still having a job while so much of the population is being laid off. and i am a person who needs to feel appreciated or at least affirmed that i'm doing an ok job. i don't need tons of accolades, but an acknowledgment. i just feel like a whiny baby any time i address these issues, because as i said, i'm fortunate to still have an income...should that be accolades enough?

i haven't looked into grad school because i simply don't know. when i can't hear God's voice telling me what to do, and when prayer isn't bringing me the 100% answers (yes, my faith is shaken lately), i just sit here, on my bed, with the only comforting thing being how Jack loves me no matter what and wants to be by my side. i think he can sense that i'm just having a rough patch of it.

i don't have the answers. i don't know where i'm to go. it's almost january. our lease is up in april. and i just...want a new beginning in some form. to shed some (or all) of the anger/resentment/sadness that has been crowding my heart these past few months. these inner battles grow stronger and stronger and i know i'm not going to lose, but there sure have been some dark spots.

my hopes and dreams are unsteady, but i feel they would be revived with the ocean's view from my window or the mountains in which i could lose myself...or get eaten by bears :-)...i want to be closer to God. i need every day to be a beautiful sunrise or sunset. i need to see His beauty. because the ordinary...it's just not working anymore.

pray for my spirit. it's never felt this heavy before.

lovey & twinkle-eyed

how does christmas music possess such a power to make me just want to sway and dance? i'm home alone right now, (besides jack being my dancing fool of a partner. he loves it.) and i feel like i'm home. like my mom may be in the room over, my brother and dad maybe down the street. and that gramma & grampa are a short drive to see.

the aura of love is surrounding, and everything feels okay, even if only for the length of a carol or two. hahaha, and here is nsync: "merry christmas...happy holiday" hehehee

if i could make a burnt CD for the whole world to hear, this would be the one. it'd be the best way to share love around the world. i wonder how i can make this happen...
well, here's a start: send me your address, and i'll mail you one. no matter who you are, whether i know you or not.

merry christmas season. and as my mom's little lapel pin says on her winter coat without fail "Jesus is the reason for the season."
and as Tiny Tim says "God bless us, everyone."